Wearing the \"Mask\" is a tiresome task

Tonight is the last night of vacation bible school.  We had a sports theme this year so tonight after a very short program for the parents we will have a tailgate party out on the parking lot.  The kids are all looking forward to it and I think it should be fun.  Both my grandsons were in my crew again this year and we really did have fun.  That is a positive. I have had an extremely difficult emotional time this week.  It has been 14 months and I've had a harder time this month than I did with the 1 year anniversary.  Maybe because the dates of death and funeral came on the exact days of the week as it happened.  Whatever the reason, I am just having a difficult time keeping from crying.  All but 1 day I have gone to the graveyard on my lunch hour.  Just when you think you might be getting a handle on things...POW, out of nowhere!!!!  I know you all know what I am going through. Now that VBS is finished, I can get back to cleaning and painting the house I will be renting.  I haven't been able to do anything this week and that has been an extra stress.  I would really like to be able to at least have it so I can move my stuff out of the storage unit before August 9th so I don't have to pay another months rent there.  They are starting to tear down my trailer this week.  That is bittersweet too.  I know it is ruined and I have to get it torn down and off the lot but that was my home that I bought and paid for and took care of myself for the last 21 years.  That was my own little place of security, the place I could escape from the world, the place where I could yell and scream if I needed to.  I'm way past being devastated by that fact but it does creep up on my every once in a while and knock me over the head.  I really am looking forward to having a place of my own again...me, my little dog and my bird...but I am also having feelings of apprehension about leaving the grandkids.  I will only be on the other side of town (2 1/2 miles) so it's not like I'm going very far, but they have gotten very comfortable with me being there for them and I have gotten used to having them with me most of the time.  Last night I asked Isaiah what he was going to do when I moved to my little house and he said, "don't you remember Gram, I'm moving with you?"   As I read over this, it sounds rather like I'm having myself quite a pity party and I'm really not.  For the most part I am trudging along and getting done what needs to be done.  I'm writing because I know you all can relate to the fact that what is going on on the inside of me is so much different to what is portrayed as what is going on on the outside of me.  The "mask" gets so heavy and burdensome sometimes and unless you have been there, there is no way you can ever come close to understanding what it takes to keep it in place. Thank you all for your love and understanding, you mean the world to me.  I love you all and will do whatever I can to help you and keep you going.