weary

I am soo exhausted today. I love going to my parents house because I can relax a bit more - my own neighborhood is scary - but I hate going because inevitably I start feeling like a bad parent. It doesn't help that I've had to stay with them before, when things were in much more of an upheaval in my life. They really made me feel like a rebellious teenager as they took over parenting my kids then. They haven't forgotten. Am I a horrible parent? Ryan got in trouble and was suspended for a week at the parks and rec where he goes for childcare last Tuesday. He had to stay at my parents for a few days because they live too far for me to be driving him back and forth every day. He was just so good for them, by my mom's report, but for me, well, as soon as I bring him back home he starts acting out. Emotionally. Beating up his brother and throwing things around. Why? Is it me? I realize that I resort to games and puzzles to dull my mind, my emotions. I grow weary, unhappy, and I distract myself to block it out. It's not really dealing with my frusterations. I'll also go into daydreaming sessions, where I create one of my millions of universes and mentally put myself into the center of it (It's good to have no faults, isn't it?). Of course I have to deal with reality too, that I'm perpetually behind work at my job, making stupid oversight screw-ups, that my house is total chaos on a daily basis, that I'm poor as dirt and don't even have my stuff together enough to apply for benefits so that I can keep giving my kids meds. I'm so tired of being alone. I can't even relate to most people, it seems all conversations peter out within a few minutes, like I'm not really connecting with anyone else around me. their stuff doesn't interest me enough to keep thinking up more questions, and I don't know how much to reveal of myself either. But back to parenting. How does a single mom parent? How does a single mom with ADD parent a pre-teen girl with a strong potential bipolar (who has never in the past 8 years gotten over her dad), a nine-year old with a very bad case of ADHD and enough moodiness to possibly have bipolar, and a seven-year old with ADD who is twice as stubborn as a mule and thinks he's about 3? How is it that they are good for my parents, but ignore my every word, even under threat of spank? I am so worried that my older son will grow up to land in jail because of his temper. I am so afraid my daughter will get taken for a ride by some abusive man. I am so afraid that Christopher will grow up to having no opportunities in life because he refuses to apply himself now to anything scholastic. And I know I cannot carry the entire burden of turning them in the right direction alone. I am so exhausted.