We Went Next Store To Get Goodies Just Fine
I came in and asked her how she was feeling. Not that great still. I commented that sometimes it just lingers. Yes. I told her I was going to do a throw up exposure but I didn’t know how she was feeling so I decided not. She thanked me. Guess she still does not feel very good. I don’t know if it’s anything with her tummy – she doesn’t say. She does have a cold. So I said maybe on Thursday we will. I gave her the bag with my extra clothes in it to put away. She did in her drawer. I first got the bag of pictures out of it commenting I just got these and I had to meet my son’s girlfriend there because she forgot her phone at our house last night. She saw them. She asked me again about her being good for our family. I said yes but I notice she doesn’t listen to what I’m saying sometimes. I’ll tell her more later.
I told her I do want to go next door and buy something because I need to have a success. It is the holiday and I just want to anyway. I want to do it when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I know I can do that. I told her maybe I shouldn’t be doing what we were doing. She asked me if I meant talking about people who have died. I told her really about doing deep down things. She said I need to because I need to go through that to move on. I looked at her doubtingly and she reaffirmed it that that’s what I need to do.
I told her I don’t want to happen what happened last time. And it happened two times. She asked me what I thought happened. What was I feeling just before I had an accident? I wasn’t sure but thought a second. I told her that I was trying not to cry. She said that crying is good and when I had the accident it just had to come out some way. Just trying to keep so much in. I also said how I was trying to just read and not hear the words because I was afraid that would make me cry. She told me it’s like the throw up exposures we do. I have to be with it 100% to go through it. That’s how it works.
She said it was at a point where I can go further into the session. Before I normally have to go. I asked her if I looked like anything before. No, I wasn’t uncomfortable or anything. She said sometimes some people just instantly start crying. It was like I did this but had an accident. She asked me if it came on suddenly. Yes. But I’m not sure if I had to go but wasn’t paying attention. I think that’s when she said I can normally go further. But that would be a place that I would be more susceptible to loosing control. The crying is like coughing, sneezing or laughing for me. I nodded. She said to continue on my own to do Kegels and wait as long as I can. I said I do – not all the time but I do. I also mentioned that sometimes when I cry I go, too. I just don’t want that to keep happening. She said next time when something’s hard I should go to the bathroom first.
I told her I was upset about it but I didn’t go on for a long time. She thought that was good. Yes, sometimes it can last days. But it still popped in my head every once in a while and I just thought I’d talk about it with her when I come today. She suggested to talk about it, too when I first mentioned it.
So I told her we should go next door now while I don’t have to go. She jumped up and left to get her green coat out of the hallway closet and put it on while I got my money out of my purse and got my coat on. I met her there and we walked out together. I told her how my son’s girlfriend has a cold and the cough (just as she coughed a little) just lingers. I said how mine wasn’t that bad and just lasted a week. She asked me what we do for the holiday. I told her what for Saturday night and Sunday. By then we were at the store – her going in first.
As soon as we got in we saw a person waiting at the counter. I didn’t say anything but thought, ‘oh no’ to myself. We stood there a second and luckily another girl was behind the counter and asked to help me. I asked her if she wanted apple again. Yes. So I ordered 2 in separate bags. I had a 5 dollar bill with me and thought about getting the massage therapist one, said about her briefly, and ordered a third one in a separate bag. She had moved over to the other side of me, stood off in a distance again – just a bit. I think I only looked at her once and she was pretty much looking ahead. I checked out, got my change, grabbed the three bags and we left.
Pretty much right after we got outside walking back she asked me, “How are you doing?” “OK,” I replied. She said, “It’s OK, you have time.” I told her that maybe it’s in my head but I’m feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. She said that maybe with that other person at the counter maybe that’s what’s causing it. I nodded yes. We went into the building. I said again how it’s feeling like it. She said how it’s only 15 after and I can go up to 45 minutes and again repeated that I had time. “Sometimes,” I replied hoping I’d be OK as we started up the steps. But quickly replied to that, “I can go lots longer sometimes.” I asked then, “So it’s in my head?” “Yes, it’s in your head. This time it is.” So we continued up the stairs and walked into her office waiting room. She said I can choose to go if I want to – that’ll be alright. We were in her office waiting area walking through, me behind her, and I told her I was going to go. She acknowledged it and then went to hang her coat up in the hallway closet. I passed her by to go. When I came out she had been talking to the massage therapist (hopefully not about me – I don’t think so). Then we went back to her office.
She asked me if I was really needing to go – like if I went very much. No, I didn’t think so. She said as soon as we walked in and saw someone at the counter she knew I …. Then she asked me how that felt. I told her like, “Oh, no!” She knew that. I think she was going to say it but let me do it because she did not know my thoughts exactly although she was right. But then I said the other one asked to help me right away. But it was the memories of before and sometimes when I couldn’t do it. I told her I still want to go over and buy something when I have to go because I know I can do it. I have before. Maybe first try walking there having to go and just walking around and not buying anything and then coming back.
We talked a little more about doing what I can. I told her when I do it at home I do notice the difference. I can wait longer and go longer between times. She said that it’s good but maybe there’s only a certain point that I can do on my own without other intervention. Unless I panic about it like today. That’s why she still wants me to see that specialist. I didn’t comment about that. Just nodded. She said that she completely forgot about it, referring to what happened last time (last week). After it happened she didn’t think about it any more again. That was good.
So I went on. First I showed her my pictures and my daughter’s. She looked a bit and then got a kleenex and back. They were Valentine’s Day and the Pinewood Derby. I commented how long my grandson’s hair has gotten and we agreed it’s cute. There was one of my daughter and her boyfriend kissing and I said I like to see this. He was calmer this weekend. I said how I talked to my daughter (like she said to do) about her patterns with guys not treating her nicely. How I want the best for her and her son – I don’t want to see her hurt. She asked me how that felt to tell her that. Good.
I asked my daughter if she ever talks about me with our therapist (knowing she can’t talk about my daughter with me – just to me about things). She said no. No problems? No – just pictures. First I thought she meant taking lots of pictures and I said that’s me and I’ll do that. But it was about taking family pictures her son is by me like he’s my son. But he knows who Mom is. I asked my daughter wouldn’t she rather me look younger like I do than older. My therapist commented that’s a thing with her. I said how she does have a younger face like many of us in my family – only if she wasn’t so heavy. And, at the Pinewood Derby after looking at the other Moms, I told her she’s very young looking and she was very happy.
She weighs more than 100 pounds more than I do (230) – almost twice as much. And she’s much shorter than I am – only about 5’3” maybe. So I can’t complain about me. She said no, I have to be very careful what I say around her. I told her how she’s trying to loose weight. And how she had her gall bladder out after her son was born (I had mine out, too) and she says how when she has to go #2 – poop – urgently. I looked at her like I understood. She said, “No, Mom. Not pee!” I just said that I totally understand how she feels. My therapist asked me if I get much of a chance to talk to her like this. No. This was really good. I told her earlier how her boyfriend wasn’t following her around like he mostly does.
So I talked about the Pinewood Derby and them coming over Thursday night and us going Friday night and Saturday. How my grandson looked at me with those big blue eyes and blond hair after I said I can’t come Saturday and said very emphatically, “Nana! You have to come to the races – you have to!” I couldn’t turn him down. How my friend called just then. She said how family is more important to me – yes.
It was a relief not to go to the Show/Fair with them. That I didn’t have to deal with my problem. Is that bad? She said it’s a lot to have to deal with all the time with thinking about it and planning and such. Yes. What do I bring, what do I wear, do I drink or not drink, will there be lines and things like that. It was nice not to have to deal with it. She said it was OK – until I get better. “Will I get better?” I asked. That’s again why she wants me to see someone about it. She only said it once and I can’t remember if it was here or a couple paragraphs above. But she knows doing what I do is helpful. I said how I dodged the bullet this time but Saturday is another one that I’m going to. But we’ll talk next time about it. She nodded.
I said how I could tell how his car was running Friday night and I knew he wouldn’t win. So I told him it’s all in fun. And another little boy did worse than him and he told that to the other little boy – very sweet. She said he was listening! Yes! I said a couple parents pointed it out to my daughter. They thought she said that to him. It was me who did but they could have as well. But then he threw a fit on the way out.
She said it’s interesting how we were just talking last time about my grandma. And she pointed out to carry what I have in me from my grandma – the love – to my grandkids. And my daughter heard the tapes and my grandson just a little. She asked me what my daughter thought. I said she likes to have fun. She thought they were funny. My therapist commented again how she thought she was listening to an old time radio show. The accent my Uncle had that she thought might have been New Yorker.
She said how she remembers her Grandma & Grandpa with all the funny stories and not the dying. I should try to do that. How she decided to ask her cousins to see her brother with her sister and they had fun remembering. Her cousins are sisters and one lives in south FL and the other GA. I said she had someone to share. I don’t think my kids are interested and can’t relate. But my cousin can. She said my homework is to invite her over and share pictures, tapes and stories. She was excited about this – much more than I was. I told her I wouldn’t call her up just to ask her to do that. She said I should. I told her we’ve talked about doing that but never have. In growing up she was in high school and college when I was a kid. I looked up at her. Then she was upset when I didn’t contact her. Now the gap (11 years) isn’t that wide anymore.
I said how yes my son is definitely moving in. The real moving day is Saturday. I have mixed feelings. I want to see him more but then there’s the privacy thing. And I notice his girlfriend doesn’t always listen to me. She asked if she’s caught up in her own things. I guess so. She knows she talks a lot. I went on to tell her about when they were all over yesterday.
I quickly out of the blue had to go to the bathroom again. I made a little face and moved my legs a little I’m sure, and told her – it was like suddenly. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked. I hesitated in answering because I wanted to try to wait a bit, almost said not yet, but then said yes, I’ll go. I guess I didn’t want to take any chances. I didn’t say but I felt bad since I went not that long ago. So I went and came back and asked where we were in talking.
I had said that my daughter’s boyfriend took my grandson to wresting. That was nice of them together. He’s very good with him too – besides the bad things. My granddaughter was at her Mom’s. So it was all adults at the kitchen (not dining room) table. 5 of us. My son teased his girlfriend about it not being quiet because of her talking and I teased him about throwing the little ball thingy around like his nephew (we say he was born with extra balls because he’s always throwing them around).
It was an adults table but I felt like I don’t get listened to a lot. Sometimes they do and I feel like I’m the center. But other times not. She asked if that’s the way they are or just me. I’m not sure. She said to say something, in a good way, to my daughter. She said how she shared with me about her friend who’s husband and sons don’t treat her well. My husband does (although not always like I like him to be) and he is there for me and the family. My kids do see that, she told me. I said how sometimes he can be really mean. He can say some mean things like Sunday at breakfast. I had to give him a look. I don’t give any indication on the outside it’s bothering me but it does on the inside a lot. I said how especially at night I feel so lonely and not good about things. Not when I go out and am around people. I didn’t get to go into things. I feel so badly sometimes and no one really knows how bad. Badly!!
When I left I told her she has to feel better by Thursday. She said she will try to. She knows I want to do a throw up exposure. I went into my massage therapist and gave her a goodie. I told her I have something for her to cheer up because her team lost last night. She thanked me and I told her what it was. I asked to lay down on the table like with the other one. It was really nice. After she told me I have to go longer – like double it. It was nice for her, too. She was almost in a trans. She thought I was about to fall asleep. No – just very relaxed. After I sat right next to her on the table and showed her some pictures too but she seemed a little in a hurry so I didn’t stay long.
Sure I’d love to go longer but I’m afraid to. Afraid I’ll have to go to the bathroom during or worse – just start going. That can’t happen. I used to be afraid to lay on the table but now I do. At least I’ve made that step forward. Actually, at the very beginning, I was afraid something would happen with just a chair massage. But I’ve learned to either keep talking, or when I don’t, I have to continually make a conscience effort to pay attention all the time to my bladder so nothing happens. I hate when I miss out on things because of this. Maybe I’ll get to the point I won’t have to. That would be really good!
I told her I do want to go next door and buy something because I need to have a success. It is the holiday and I just want to anyway. I want to do it when I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I know I can do that. I told her maybe I shouldn’t be doing what we were doing. She asked me if I meant talking about people who have died. I told her really about doing deep down things. She said I need to because I need to go through that to move on. I looked at her doubtingly and she reaffirmed it that that’s what I need to do.
I told her I don’t want to happen what happened last time. And it happened two times. She asked me what I thought happened. What was I feeling just before I had an accident? I wasn’t sure but thought a second. I told her that I was trying not to cry. She said that crying is good and when I had the accident it just had to come out some way. Just trying to keep so much in. I also said how I was trying to just read and not hear the words because I was afraid that would make me cry. She told me it’s like the throw up exposures we do. I have to be with it 100% to go through it. That’s how it works.
She said it was at a point where I can go further into the session. Before I normally have to go. I asked her if I looked like anything before. No, I wasn’t uncomfortable or anything. She said sometimes some people just instantly start crying. It was like I did this but had an accident. She asked me if it came on suddenly. Yes. But I’m not sure if I had to go but wasn’t paying attention. I think that’s when she said I can normally go further. But that would be a place that I would be more susceptible to loosing control. The crying is like coughing, sneezing or laughing for me. I nodded. She said to continue on my own to do Kegels and wait as long as I can. I said I do – not all the time but I do. I also mentioned that sometimes when I cry I go, too. I just don’t want that to keep happening. She said next time when something’s hard I should go to the bathroom first.
I told her I was upset about it but I didn’t go on for a long time. She thought that was good. Yes, sometimes it can last days. But it still popped in my head every once in a while and I just thought I’d talk about it with her when I come today. She suggested to talk about it, too when I first mentioned it.
So I told her we should go next door now while I don’t have to go. She jumped up and left to get her green coat out of the hallway closet and put it on while I got my money out of my purse and got my coat on. I met her there and we walked out together. I told her how my son’s girlfriend has a cold and the cough (just as she coughed a little) just lingers. I said how mine wasn’t that bad and just lasted a week. She asked me what we do for the holiday. I told her what for Saturday night and Sunday. By then we were at the store – her going in first.
As soon as we got in we saw a person waiting at the counter. I didn’t say anything but thought, ‘oh no’ to myself. We stood there a second and luckily another girl was behind the counter and asked to help me. I asked her if she wanted apple again. Yes. So I ordered 2 in separate bags. I had a 5 dollar bill with me and thought about getting the massage therapist one, said about her briefly, and ordered a third one in a separate bag. She had moved over to the other side of me, stood off in a distance again – just a bit. I think I only looked at her once and she was pretty much looking ahead. I checked out, got my change, grabbed the three bags and we left.
Pretty much right after we got outside walking back she asked me, “How are you doing?” “OK,” I replied. She said, “It’s OK, you have time.” I told her that maybe it’s in my head but I’m feeling like I need to go to the bathroom. She said that maybe with that other person at the counter maybe that’s what’s causing it. I nodded yes. We went into the building. I said again how it’s feeling like it. She said how it’s only 15 after and I can go up to 45 minutes and again repeated that I had time. “Sometimes,” I replied hoping I’d be OK as we started up the steps. But quickly replied to that, “I can go lots longer sometimes.” I asked then, “So it’s in my head?” “Yes, it’s in your head. This time it is.” So we continued up the stairs and walked into her office waiting room. She said I can choose to go if I want to – that’ll be alright. We were in her office waiting area walking through, me behind her, and I told her I was going to go. She acknowledged it and then went to hang her coat up in the hallway closet. I passed her by to go. When I came out she had been talking to the massage therapist (hopefully not about me – I don’t think so). Then we went back to her office.
She asked me if I was really needing to go – like if I went very much. No, I didn’t think so. She said as soon as we walked in and saw someone at the counter she knew I …. Then she asked me how that felt. I told her like, “Oh, no!” She knew that. I think she was going to say it but let me do it because she did not know my thoughts exactly although she was right. But then I said the other one asked to help me right away. But it was the memories of before and sometimes when I couldn’t do it. I told her I still want to go over and buy something when I have to go because I know I can do it. I have before. Maybe first try walking there having to go and just walking around and not buying anything and then coming back.
We talked a little more about doing what I can. I told her when I do it at home I do notice the difference. I can wait longer and go longer between times. She said that it’s good but maybe there’s only a certain point that I can do on my own without other intervention. Unless I panic about it like today. That’s why she still wants me to see that specialist. I didn’t comment about that. Just nodded. She said that she completely forgot about it, referring to what happened last time (last week). After it happened she didn’t think about it any more again. That was good.
So I went on. First I showed her my pictures and my daughter’s. She looked a bit and then got a kleenex and back. They were Valentine’s Day and the Pinewood Derby. I commented how long my grandson’s hair has gotten and we agreed it’s cute. There was one of my daughter and her boyfriend kissing and I said I like to see this. He was calmer this weekend. I said how I talked to my daughter (like she said to do) about her patterns with guys not treating her nicely. How I want the best for her and her son – I don’t want to see her hurt. She asked me how that felt to tell her that. Good.
I asked my daughter if she ever talks about me with our therapist (knowing she can’t talk about my daughter with me – just to me about things). She said no. No problems? No – just pictures. First I thought she meant taking lots of pictures and I said that’s me and I’ll do that. But it was about taking family pictures her son is by me like he’s my son. But he knows who Mom is. I asked my daughter wouldn’t she rather me look younger like I do than older. My therapist commented that’s a thing with her. I said how she does have a younger face like many of us in my family – only if she wasn’t so heavy. And, at the Pinewood Derby after looking at the other Moms, I told her she’s very young looking and she was very happy.
She weighs more than 100 pounds more than I do (230) – almost twice as much. And she’s much shorter than I am – only about 5’3” maybe. So I can’t complain about me. She said no, I have to be very careful what I say around her. I told her how she’s trying to loose weight. And how she had her gall bladder out after her son was born (I had mine out, too) and she says how when she has to go #2 – poop – urgently. I looked at her like I understood. She said, “No, Mom. Not pee!” I just said that I totally understand how she feels. My therapist asked me if I get much of a chance to talk to her like this. No. This was really good. I told her earlier how her boyfriend wasn’t following her around like he mostly does.
So I talked about the Pinewood Derby and them coming over Thursday night and us going Friday night and Saturday. How my grandson looked at me with those big blue eyes and blond hair after I said I can’t come Saturday and said very emphatically, “Nana! You have to come to the races – you have to!” I couldn’t turn him down. How my friend called just then. She said how family is more important to me – yes.
It was a relief not to go to the Show/Fair with them. That I didn’t have to deal with my problem. Is that bad? She said it’s a lot to have to deal with all the time with thinking about it and planning and such. Yes. What do I bring, what do I wear, do I drink or not drink, will there be lines and things like that. It was nice not to have to deal with it. She said it was OK – until I get better. “Will I get better?” I asked. That’s again why she wants me to see someone about it. She only said it once and I can’t remember if it was here or a couple paragraphs above. But she knows doing what I do is helpful. I said how I dodged the bullet this time but Saturday is another one that I’m going to. But we’ll talk next time about it. She nodded.
I said how I could tell how his car was running Friday night and I knew he wouldn’t win. So I told him it’s all in fun. And another little boy did worse than him and he told that to the other little boy – very sweet. She said he was listening! Yes! I said a couple parents pointed it out to my daughter. They thought she said that to him. It was me who did but they could have as well. But then he threw a fit on the way out.
She said it’s interesting how we were just talking last time about my grandma. And she pointed out to carry what I have in me from my grandma – the love – to my grandkids. And my daughter heard the tapes and my grandson just a little. She asked me what my daughter thought. I said she likes to have fun. She thought they were funny. My therapist commented again how she thought she was listening to an old time radio show. The accent my Uncle had that she thought might have been New Yorker.
She said how she remembers her Grandma & Grandpa with all the funny stories and not the dying. I should try to do that. How she decided to ask her cousins to see her brother with her sister and they had fun remembering. Her cousins are sisters and one lives in south FL and the other GA. I said she had someone to share. I don’t think my kids are interested and can’t relate. But my cousin can. She said my homework is to invite her over and share pictures, tapes and stories. She was excited about this – much more than I was. I told her I wouldn’t call her up just to ask her to do that. She said I should. I told her we’ve talked about doing that but never have. In growing up she was in high school and college when I was a kid. I looked up at her. Then she was upset when I didn’t contact her. Now the gap (11 years) isn’t that wide anymore.
I said how yes my son is definitely moving in. The real moving day is Saturday. I have mixed feelings. I want to see him more but then there’s the privacy thing. And I notice his girlfriend doesn’t always listen to me. She asked if she’s caught up in her own things. I guess so. She knows she talks a lot. I went on to tell her about when they were all over yesterday.
I quickly out of the blue had to go to the bathroom again. I made a little face and moved my legs a little I’m sure, and told her – it was like suddenly. “Do you want to take a break?” she asked. I hesitated in answering because I wanted to try to wait a bit, almost said not yet, but then said yes, I’ll go. I guess I didn’t want to take any chances. I didn’t say but I felt bad since I went not that long ago. So I went and came back and asked where we were in talking.
I had said that my daughter’s boyfriend took my grandson to wresting. That was nice of them together. He’s very good with him too – besides the bad things. My granddaughter was at her Mom’s. So it was all adults at the kitchen (not dining room) table. 5 of us. My son teased his girlfriend about it not being quiet because of her talking and I teased him about throwing the little ball thingy around like his nephew (we say he was born with extra balls because he’s always throwing them around).
It was an adults table but I felt like I don’t get listened to a lot. Sometimes they do and I feel like I’m the center. But other times not. She asked if that’s the way they are or just me. I’m not sure. She said to say something, in a good way, to my daughter. She said how she shared with me about her friend who’s husband and sons don’t treat her well. My husband does (although not always like I like him to be) and he is there for me and the family. My kids do see that, she told me. I said how sometimes he can be really mean. He can say some mean things like Sunday at breakfast. I had to give him a look. I don’t give any indication on the outside it’s bothering me but it does on the inside a lot. I said how especially at night I feel so lonely and not good about things. Not when I go out and am around people. I didn’t get to go into things. I feel so badly sometimes and no one really knows how bad. Badly!!
When I left I told her she has to feel better by Thursday. She said she will try to. She knows I want to do a throw up exposure. I went into my massage therapist and gave her a goodie. I told her I have something for her to cheer up because her team lost last night. She thanked me and I told her what it was. I asked to lay down on the table like with the other one. It was really nice. After she told me I have to go longer – like double it. It was nice for her, too. She was almost in a trans. She thought I was about to fall asleep. No – just very relaxed. After I sat right next to her on the table and showed her some pictures too but she seemed a little in a hurry so I didn’t stay long.
Sure I’d love to go longer but I’m afraid to. Afraid I’ll have to go to the bathroom during or worse – just start going. That can’t happen. I used to be afraid to lay on the table but now I do. At least I’ve made that step forward. Actually, at the very beginning, I was afraid something would happen with just a chair massage. But I’ve learned to either keep talking, or when I don’t, I have to continually make a conscience effort to pay attention all the time to my bladder so nothing happens. I hate when I miss out on things because of this. Maybe I’ll get to the point I won’t have to. That would be really good!
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