We Walked Around And Relaxed

I had a therapy session today with my therapist.  This is the first of my double sessions.  I still had a lot to talk about with so many things always happening in my life.  I’m hoping these double sessions will allow me to get more in depth about things and not feel so pressured into fitting everything into that 1 hour – now we have 2 hours a week.  She said we’d get to everything but we didn’t.  In time, I guess.  I have to be patient.  I told her about last Thursday where there was so much tension between my daughter and her boyfriend in her waiting room that you could cut it with a knife.  I wished her good luck later today.  She asked me if I was coming to help out (babysit).  Yes.  I also mentioned about my grandson thinking he’s mad all the time that maybe she could work with him on that and just trying to be helpful.  My daughter said to mention it, too because she needs to focus on her and her boyfriend.  And I told her how my grandson just loves coming to see her.  I talked about passing the Amtrack train station yesterday starting to cry a little and like always, “stuffing it.”  I sent my son off so far away several months ago (his choice to go and I miss him so much – it’s been about 6 months) and it made me feel so sad.  I told her I didn’t think stuffing it is really good but I’m afraid to cry.  She said do it a little at a time and that would be OK.  I also said how my kids are nice, not nice, nice, not nice, etc.  She asked me to pay attention to why – what’s happening.  I said maybe they don’t like what I’m doing (like when my son called during the comedy club, I answered, talked to him, he said I’d be picked on, I wasn’t and said I was hiding behind his sister).  He wasn’t very nice then.  I said I’d try to notice.    I told her about the comedy club last night.  How I got my son to come and I spit my food with him (my daughter did too a little) in half.  He didn’t want to come at first and I felt for him.  He babysat my grandson during the show, at my house.  I told her I went to the bathroom 2X at the restaurant before.  My friend commented she’s surprised I’m not going when we got into the club.  I said I would right before it started and we both went together.  My daughter (who told me she wanted to sit next to me) said, “Yeah, Mom – go potty.”  My friend said how funny that was a daughter telling her Mom that because it’s usually the other way around.  My daughter blurted out, “Yeah, after what you put us through on our trip!”  I shushed her telling her I’m going on a girl trip soon.  Hopefully my friend didn’t hear that comment because she is one that is going.  I said how I sat in the back of the table on purpose – maybe saying why – in case I have to leave and my daughter let out the biggest laugh!  I shushed her then, too.  My therapist said she doesn’t know how all this hurts me because I’m so good at hiding.  I said yes, on the trip when I had the accident she asked me if that’s ever happened to me before.  She has no clue to the extent.  She asked me if sometime when we’re alone if I could tell her.  No way!  When I needed to go to the bathroom during the show I just went.  I did have to wait a few more seconds because he was talking to someone around me.  It was fine.  I didn’t really need to go but was scared I’d have to so I did.  And how I worked it with the drinks is I got a souvenir glass which was smaller.  She filled it, I didn’t finish it and I didn’t have to pour more.  The other glasses were bigger like a root beer mug and you have to order two.  She asked me if I carried it home still having liquid in it?  No, I spilled in out into another glass first.  She asked me if anyone noticed.  No, they didn’t care and that was good.    I told her I wanted to do relaxation, the imagery and then walk around.  I wanted to start when I didn’t need to go to the bathroom and I didn’t want to have an accident – I wanted it to be successful before we do the other exposure therapies.  She said that’s such a good idea.  She thought we’d start right away but I wanted to talk a little first.  She told me to tell her when and I was watching the clock and did at a certain point.  So she gave me the tappers (they vibrate back & forth) to hold on to and said things to get me to relax.  Then she said to imagine my bladder and being able to get bigger like a balloon and still be able to hold on.  She told me to love my bladder – like I happen to have a t-shirt on with a heart on it today.  I smiled.  Then she said we were going to end and then go for a walk.   We stopped and asked if we should go walking now.  No, I didn’t need to go to the bathroom yet.  I wanted to look at a throwing up video but she said no, she didn’t want me to get upset about anything before we go.  But it wasn’t very long and I needed to go.  So we got up and walked.  I told her a tenant in the building moved downstairs next to the bathrooms (she didn’t know) and when I looked before I came in they had the door open and there were people there.  That’s not good because that’s my safe haven downstairs.  So she wanted to go exploring in the building and see who’s in what offices.  First we went down the hall on the 2nd floor where her office is.  The main floor only has one accountants office.  She said they’re accountants – they don’t pay attention to what’s going on.  Then we went down to the basement where they moved.  And she looked around down there for a bit.  Seems like she hadn’t checked things out for a while and commented that it’s a quiet building.  When we walked by the bathroom she gave me the opportunity to go and asked me if I wanted to.  No I was OK.  Then she asked if I wanted to walk around outside.  Yes.  So we went outside and just circled the back parking lot.  She asked me if I wanted to go in front.  No – I wanted to stay in the back.  No one really goes back there.  I told her on a scale of 1-10 I was a five.  Just doing this I can’t be a 0 or 1 or 2 so five is good.  She asked me a couple times how I was doing and I said I was good – relaxed.    I told her earlier that I wanted her to talk – about anything she wanted to.  El Salvador, Florida, monkeys on the roof, a funny story, her treatments.  I don’t care – anything she wants to.  I probably won’t remember it anyway but I’ll try.  So she decided to tell me about the expanders in her breast for the reconstruction preparation.  They filled it up, like a balloon, or an expanding bladder during several treatments.  First it was uncomfortable but then it got better.  She was trying to relate it to me expanding my bladder.  She doesn’t have the procedures any more and reconstruction will be Nov or Dec.  When she talks I then can concentrate on being relaxed and on not going to the bathroom.  She said it’s a good distraction.  Yes.  So we walked around one time.  I told her I could still walk a little more.  So we did and I started having to go worse.  I told her so we just started walking back.  Still outside, I kind of bent over a little with my hands on my thighs and told her I just went to the bathroom a little.  So we were walking in the door and she told me to use the bathroom downstairs.  OK – I was a little brain dead.  Then when we were walking down the stairs I said, “I just peed a little again.”  She really didn’t say anything these two times (I don’t think – well, you know my memory during these things).  I think she just wanted me to get to the bathroom.  While I went she went into the people who moved down there and sounded like she introduced herself and was very friendly to them.  It’s right next to the bathroom.  I finished right when she was done and was about to walk out.  She was just opening the bathroom door.   At first I thought she thought I was just waiting until she was done – not to be seen.  But now I think about it I think she was coming in to see if I was OK and if she needed to get my extra clothes from her office.  I guess she didn’t know how much I had peed.  She usually doesn’t come into the bathroom and gives me privacy when I go, unless she knows I need my clothes.  So I came out and we just walked up the 2 flights of stairs.  I was quiet at first and then started talking more.  We got back in her office and I just sat down – a little self-conscience of the wet spot but trying not to show it.   She asked me if I needed my clothes to change and be comfortable.  She didn’t look at me (my crouch) at all.  I told her I was thinking something really stupid.  I feel like if I change clothes then it wasn’t successful but it was.  Then I thought about the massage therapist seeing anything (she said she didn’t but really, now I was sitting and I don’t think she could see anything at all anyway).  I wouldn’t want her to see anything but … then I will have that bag!  Can’t I hide it in the cabinet in the bathroom?  No.  She won’t let me.  So she knew I was uncomfortable and wanted to change and she knew I could relax and work better if I did.  So I agreed to change and she got into her drawer to get my bag.  She first pulled out another bag of mine with her products to try.  We laughed and I told her that’s for later.  Then she found my bag and gave it to me.  I went to go change and came back.  When I got back I told her it did show.  I looked in the big mirror in the bathroom.  Since she wouldn’t let me hide the bag I told her I’d put my purse on top of it when I see the massage therapist.  No, she said I couldn’t do that.  I had to put it beside my purse and she bet with me the massage therapist wouldn’t say a word about it.  She wouldn’t if someone came in with a bag.  Maybe it’s something they didn’t want to keep in the car, or just went shopping or something.  OK – I agreed.  She said she asks me because she doesn’t know if it’s something for her to keep or not. But she wouldn’t think other people would.  She said my daughter might ask – I said she’d look!  She said shed look for her 2 boys but they wouldn’t look for her if she had a bag.  After I had gone to the bathroom a little, outside, then I told her I went up to a 10.  I didn’t know if it’s because I was really scared or if I have to go that badly.  Later we talked about it.  She said the same thing.  I can’t tell.  Even later I asked her if she can help me with that and you know, I can’t remember her answer.  I guess she said yes.  I did tell her that I went 2 times and I was able to stop it.  She said, “That’s great!” really glad.  Maybe she thought I can never do that.  I said I can do that a couple times, sometimes, but that’s about all.    She asked me what was going on when I went up to a 10.  I told her I started going to the bathroom.  She asked me where I feel that in my body.  All over like a panic.  She asked me what was happening just before that.  I told her I started having to go real badly.  I think she understands.  She asked me what I would tell my bladder if I could.  I would snap my fingers or wave a magic wand to be able to be stronger and more expandable.  She said about it’s not that I have a bad bladder – I said yes, I do.  She said I’m not a bad person for it.  OK.  That’s why I’m afraid about the massages.  I told her our girl trip that’s what we are going to do and I wanted to try here first and talk to her but I just started with this a little earlier because of the incident in the waiting area about that friend of mine.  She said it’s so good to start slowly with the massages and do Kegels while she’s doing it.  Try to relax and enjoy but still hold on!  She knew I was going after seeing her.  I told her I’d be fine for the 10 minutes.  She knows I worry about the longer sessions I’d like to eventually work into.  She told me to keep drinking a lot of water and waiting long like I’m doing.  I said how I’ve gotten better and am going more.  She said I’m doing a great job, she knows how hard I’m trying and should be proud.  It’s good for me anyway.  I told her how I am doing better but not here.  She didn’t really say anything.   I told her that I wanted to feel like this was a success.  It was.  I wanted to feel like “It’s OK” that I peed a little.  She said what else did I want to feel like “It’s OK.”  I didn’t know.  She said that “It’s OK” that I have a bag with me.  She’s meaning when I see the massage therapist.  I need to feel more of this “It’s OK” thing – I know I do.  We had about 10 minutes left and I told her I wanted to watch a throwing up video.  She chose the 17 second one, came closer to me with her chair and watched it.  She said it was too advanced for me and chose another one – the first one and it was about a minute long.  She watched and I could hear it so I asked her to turn the volume down and she did.  She watched for a while and then started laughing.  I’m not sure what’s so funny.  I still covered my ears when I thought I was going to hear something.    I told her I wanted to watch – from a distance.  She said it takes a while until something happens.  So we watched.  The girl kept gagging.  I looked but kept turning away and ending up not being able to watch very much.  I commented that she’s doing this for such a long time.  I looked away and asked her if she threw up.  Yes, then she said they are focusing on the throw up on the floor.  I couldn’t watch either part.  She said this one was even hard for her to watch because of the build up of all the gagging that was going on at first but she watched without looking away both by herself and with me.  When we first watched she asked if my kids ever did this sometimes – the gagging – like that’s what kids sometimes do.  Yes.  She did comment why anyone would ever want to expose this to everyone to see.  She didn’t want to look at any more.  She thought that was enough trauma? for me for the day.  She asked me if it was more important to work on this throwing up thing or things for the trip.  If we should do this throwing up thing before or after the trip, if I would need to for the trip.  I hope not but I didn’t say.  I told her I just never know.  The trip stuff is more important but I’ll bring my IPod with me every time and if we have time we’ll watch.  I think she wants to get more in depth with it with the EMR (this eye movement thing) and a time line.  It would take time to do that.  I told her that I really only have these 2 fears, or phobias, and that’s it.  The throwing up one and the fear of having an accident in front of others.  Other things I don’t like, sometimes heights but I’ll do it sometimes and other things maybe, but just these two biggies and that’s all.  She said that’s good.  We talked a little about what to do next time with the exposure therapy because I need to know what to do to prepare for it, or bring for it.  I told her how I didn’t want to go to the bathroom all over her couch (I’ve told her that several times before).  I’d need to bring the towel and plastic bag when we do that.  That would be a driving scenario but it’s me driving this time.  She thought we went into the lobby last time.  No – we did it in her office.  Wonder why she didn’t remember that?  I asked what we would do this time and she said we could do it in her office again and arrange the chairs like we want.    After seeing her I went to the massage therapist for 10 minutes.  I tried to talk pretty much again so I wouldn’t relax too much and have a chance to go to the bathroom when I didn’t want to.  I was fine.  She talked about ½ hour after that.  I was asking about the cranial thing.  I want to do it but you have to lay down and I’m scared to do that.  I couldn’t tell her anything.  But she told me how I might fall asleep and that’s OK and I may release something, or something come out.  I wish my therapist was there.  We would have been hysterical – in a good way I would hope.  That’s all I would need – if she only knew!  She can’t know.  But I don’t know how I can do this – especially a half hour or more without letting her know.  I need to talk more to my therapist about that.  She said it’s OK to excuse myself during and go to the bathroom.  I told her I would hate to have to do that.    I went back this early evening to watch my little grandson out in the waiting area while she saw my daughter and her boyfriend.  They were calmer this time – thank goodness.  She saw them the whole time and my grandson was disappointed he didn’t get to go.  But she had brought out a Rat-A-Tat Cat card game for us to play.  We also played with his Speed Racer car, colored and built a castle with little dominos.  She came back out this time (she usually doesn’t) in the end.  I guess to get the card game and there was a screwdriver piece in the basket of crayons I pulled out for her.  She kind of ignores me when she sees them.  But that’s OK – she has to focus on them.  I try to talk a little.  I don’t want to feel invisible.