We Tried Out Big Bertha And She Didnt Work As Well As Id Like

The first thing my therapist commented on was how friendly I am to everyone because I was talking to someone else out in the waiting area.  Yes, I am.  Then I asked her if she saw the Farrah Fawcett documentary.  She said no, only little bits of it and she didn’t know where.  Maybe it’s too scary for her to watch.  I told her I saw most of it – busy doing other things and somehow she wants me to use her to inspire me.  I think pertaining to her fight and courage and my fight and courage with my bladder problems.  She said maybe I could even let her know.  I told her she’s pretty bad off right now.  I did tell her I thought of her during it.  And I read to her what Farrah said at the very end how she turned the camera at the audience and asked what they are fighting for.  I told her no more exposure therapies – at least for a while.  I wanted to do one with shorts on because it’ll probably be hot but I just can’t.  Like I said I’m glad I can do them (some people can’t)  and I’ll do more later, like the throwing up ones, but for now I can’t anymore.  There are too many too close together and they make me feel like I have accidents all the time and I don’t.  And I can’t go into the trip thinking that.  I want to think like I don’t at all but I know that’s not reality.  Maybe I won’t at all.  Maybe.  She seemed to understand completely about me not wanting to do exposures for a while and told me, “OK.”  I did say how I have to try out Big Bertha.  Today?  Yes.  I wanted to put it on for a bit, take it off, then again when I needed to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t think I could wear it for very long.  But as it turned out I needed to go about 5 - 10 minutes after I put it on so I told her there’s no sense in taking it off.  I told her whatever she wanted to do with hers it’s OK.  She didn’t say anything and never put it on.  Remember this was her opportunity to put it on and see what it feels like to go in one like she suggested last year.  She said she’d think about it and would have to bring extra clothes.    I did notice a white shirt laying out over a chair.  After my massage therapy she was gone – her car wasn’t there.  So I’m thinking she changed into it for her radiation and she just forgot to put it away.  She’s just never left anything like that out before.  She’s very neat and organized.  And there were 2 small containers of paints or toys or something on the floor close by me.  Did she leave those out for a reason or is she just getting forgetful?  Hope she’s OK.  I don’t think the shirt had to do with extra clothes for this because it would be bottoms and she showed no interest in doing it.  Who would?  Who would want to wet their pants or diaper or anything?  And the forgetful stuff she forgot she had me scheduled for Tuesday after I come back at 2PM and it was right there in her book.  Again, I hope she’s OK.  I never see any, or very much at all, of the effect of her treatments.  She does of super job in hiding it and it’s very deceiving that I think she’s fine.  She’s got to be going through so much will her illness but never shows it.  Good therapy for her I’m hoping.  I want to talk to her about it but I don’t want to seem intrusive.  I’m just interested, caring and wish to be uplifting.    I told her I brought the worry box for next week and had her just keep it for me.  I want to write out all my worries and keep them there.  Today she said how the worries are with a little worry doll she had out and put in the sand and rocks or my worry box or the little ‘friend’ I have up on the shelf.  She asked me which one because we were going to do the tappers.  I said all and she said I can decide.  She asked me if I was willing to leave all the bad things there.  Sure I would.  But we ended up not doing the tappers because we started taking about logistics and things.  When I put Big Bertha on and I changed into my pajama bottoms.  She turned around and again straightened out her cabinet.  I asked if the blue goes in the back (I didn’t remember from when we looked at it a couple weeks ago).  She said whatever is bulkier in the back.  She turned back around and I looked and laughed at the combination.  It said it looked like an old man getting dressed in the dark (I had a maroon/orange/tan plaid shirt on and the pajama bottoms were multicolor heart on purple – weird combo). I told her how horrible it felt.  She looked and said she didn’t see anything and asked me if I wanted a mirror to look myself.  Yes.  I looked and I’m just not sure.  I just don’t like the whole idea.  In fact when I had it on I asked her if there was any way she could think of that I didn’t have to wear it at all.  She said, “I’ll let you answer that question.”  I just kind of looked and shrugged and nodded no, disappointingly.  I guess she figured no and that I really know the answer to that question.  I told her how last time I was sleeping with my 6 year old grandson who didn’t know what was going on.  I had those towels and then put the sheet and blankets over to cover.  My friends would notice if the bed was wet or if I had towels in the bed.  I don’t wet my bed every night.  I don’t.  But I just don’t know.  She said I’ll go to the bathroom right before bed and knowing me, I’ll try not to drink much before bed.  Yes.  I told her if I would get the bed wet I would cover it up.  She told me to privately call housekeeping to make sure they change the sheets because they don’t until you check out.  They only make the bed.  I didn’t know that.  I said unless they see it’s wet but I would have it covered up and they wouldn’t see.  Yeah.   We talked about how I don’t even know who I’m sleeping with because that 5th person is going too.  I’ve met her twice but I don’t know her that well.  I’m friendly and have talked to her and about her illness (ovarian cancer).  Now it’s 5 in a room.  We have a suite and she may be sleeping on the couch.  She thought it may be a pull out bed.  I didn’t know.  Like maybe I could sleep there, or on a cot or I could get a room with 2 beds with the other person and split it.  First I told her I have enough trouble sleeping that I can’t sleep on a sofa.  It’s expensive to get yet another room.  Just suggestions, I know.  I quickly mentioned about being far away from everyone on the sofa but it would give me more privacy.  It could be a good thing or not a good thing.  I’m not sure if she understands.  So we talked a few minutes while I had to go and still had Big Bertha on.  I showed her a few pictures of my family just before my youngest went far away.  She said he’s my adventurous one and hopefully when he’s done with all his adventurous he’ll be back.  The pictures at the train station are harder.  She commented how much I miss him.  Yes – it’s been 7 months now and I don’t know when I’ll see him next.    Soon I told her I really needed to go and she asked if we should go to the floor now?  Yes.  She sat there crossed-legged on the floor while I laid.  She didn’t lay with me.  I put a plastic bag down and commented quietly about not wanting to get anything on her carpet.  I laid down and she just talked and talked.  I don’t even know what about.  Something about the trip I’m sure but I have no idea what.  I looked at her and notice she wasn’t even looking at me while she was talking.  Either wanting to give me my privacy because she knows that bothers me or she doesn’t want to look.    I just laid there trying to hold it.  I remember once not being able to talk to her back and really struggled.  Very soon I said, all looking down, “I can’t hold it any longer.”  She said “That’s OK.”  While I was going to the bathroom I just put my head down couldn’t look up.  I don’t even know if there was conversation going on.  I don’t think so.  Towards the end I felt like my upper pants were getting wet, kind of warm, so I checked the right side, away from her.  No, didn’t think so.  But I went over to the left side, closer to her, and felt and looked and yes, it was wet and the carpet was too.  “Oh, no,” I exclaimed with a lot of distress.  I didn’t really have to talk much and she knew I got it on the carpet again and how badly I felt.  She looked too.  She said to me, “It’s alright - really.”  I think I had a “Damn it!” in there.  It was more than last time – a bigger spot.  Not huge but it was there soaked into the carpeting.    Everything past this is kind of a blur.  The whole thing really is this time.  I think I sat up while she offered to get something to clean it up.  She came back with a knock on the door.  I said to her, “I didn’t do anything, I’m still just sitting here.”  I don’t know if she thought I was changing or not – probably.  So she brought a bunch of wet paper towels over in one hand with the cleaner.  The other hand had dry ones.  I tried to spray and commented about this one not working from last time.  So she took the bottle, opened it up and poured the liquid directly on the spot and more.  I think I commented she made it bigger.  I used the wet paper towels, then the dry ones and commented the cleanser is still on it (it was white).  She offered to get more wet paper towels.  She told me to throw the others away in her trash can in the room there.  I did.  When I was cleaning it up I told her, "I'm really sorry!"  She told me it was OK.  She asked me if I wanted to change there or in the bathroom.  She said no one was out there.  It was hard to decide and finally I said the bathroom since no one was out there.  So she got up to go to the bathroom to get more wet paper towels and we met in the hallway by the bathroom with her leaving and me going in.  I had my wet pajama bottoms on carrying a plastic bag and my clothes to change back into.  I even noticed a few drip drops on the bathroom floor from her paper towels.  I didn’t say anything and hoped no one else noticed and it would dry before anyone else went in there.  They weren’t my drip drops anyway!  I came back into the room after I changed and she did that positive ‘yeah’ thing again while I just shook my head like I couldn’t believe I peed on her carpet again.  I also noticed she did the rest of the clean up while I was gone.  I felt funny about her doing it but I didn’t say a thing.  She said at least we know now that we tested it.  “What do I do now?”  I asked her.  She asked me how wet my pants got.  I told her the whole front area up and between the legs a little.  We thought because of how I was laying on my tummy.  She asked me if I can lay on my back or side.  I said maybe but I’d probably switch over in the middle of the night when I don’t know it.  She said about using a hotel pillow between my legs or tummy or back or whatever to keep me from rolling.  I didn’t know if that would help.  I did tell her I do bring my own pillow.  I even said about putting a pad inside for extra protection maybe.  I just don’t know.  I didn’t say but since I’m drinking more I’m going more and I’ve told her that before.  Maybe that’s why everything got so wet this time.  I don’t remember it like that last year when we tried.    I even mentioned we have that other one (diaper) here (I didn’t say but hers from last year) – maybe that would work better.  She didn’t think so – it only has those tabs to pull tighter when you put it on.  Maybe she didn’t want to get it out, or didn’t have it anymore.  I don’t know but I hated that one anyway.  I did say how that one you can really hear when you have it on.  She did mention once about making sure the one I have on is snug or tight enough.  I told her I think it’s a small – you can’t go any smaller.  She just smiled and nodded like she understood.    She also asked me what happened last time.  I said I think I remember it being damp around the leg area.  She asked if the bed got wet.  I didn’t know but I didn’t think so but I really didn’t want to remember I’m sure she could tell.  She said maybe I won’t go as much because I wouldn’t drink much and I think she thinks urine production slows down at night (she didn’t say I just think I remember she said that once).  And we talked about how I can’t sleep and keep waking up a lot.  Then I go to the bathroom anyway.  She asked me if I wake myself up or just wake up.  I told her I can’t wake myself up – I can’t do that.  I just wake up a lot.   She knows how hard this is for me.  I told her I know there is worse.  She said yes, it’s hard for me but it’s not life threatening.  And we’ve done a lot to prepare for it.  Once today she said at least I don’t have anal cancer (like Farrah Fawcett).  I guess she’s trying to make me see it could be worse.  I know.  I didn’t say but thank you God – I’m so greatfull I don’t have anything really bad.  Please keep the bad away – thank you.  I told her how it makes me go into my “I don’t want to go – it’s not worth it” thing.  Or the denial thing.  She said if she can go to El Salvador on chemo I can do this.  I told her I just won’t drink anything.  She said they’ll be taking me to the hospital.  “Dehydration,” I said knowing I really couldn’t do that.  We talked a little of the thing I think if I’m drinking people think I’m just asking for it.  And I’m so slow I’ll have a drink and it’ll take me a long time and it appears to be a lot.  She didn’t say anything on that one.  She told me on Friday she got her Hercepton injection and a lady who drove in 1 hour couldn’t get her chemo because her white count was down.  She was quite upset and deservingly.  She understood and the lady’s husband understood but she was still upset.  I think she was trying to tell me it’s OK to be upset I have this problem but not to let it stop me or get me down.  I was still feeling really bad and I told her how badly it bothers me.  She asked the whole thing or what just happened.  What just happened was what I was thinking of at that moment.  She asked me what we can do to make that better.  I said nothing – it’s just me.  I told her like I’m afraid my friends won’t like me for my accidents, I’m afraid she won’t like me with all these accidents I have in front of her.  She said it changes nothing for her.  She reassured me that it was alright what happened (getting the carpet wet)..   So we talked about the logistics of things from how much extra clothes to pack to not being able to find bathrooms out, lines, sleeping and such.  How I don’t have to tell them when I go to the bathroom.  I can just disappear.  She said I’m so quick they won’t even know.  And we are always with each other – no privacy, no private time.  And when you are traveling (she knows, she travels) bathrooms aren’t always around, or they don’t let you use them, or there are lines.  I gave just 2 examples off the top of my head.  When we were in Virginia Beach they were hard to find and at the museums when you are in a room it’s hard to get out and fine them.  She nodded and listened.  I said how my daughter made that comment about “What we went through with you on our trip”.  She remembered it to be a family loving thing.  There was one comment she saw when I went to therapy with her once and one I just told her about what she said at the comedy club.  Yeah – but it still hurts like others might feel that, too.  And I don’t know if she said that because of me going to the bathroom a lot (sometimes preventatively) or because of the accident I had by the side of the car or both.  I told her what my daughter said yesterday, “What would I do without you post office Mommy.”  My therapist said she knows I go to the post office a lot and knows I go to the bathroom a lot.  She said it in a joking, funny way like that’s OK.  She said to read over the Mother’s Day card she gave me.  It was very nice.  I don’t want to have accidents but have to face I might.  I even told her how the denial thing gets me in trouble sometimes.  She said, like not being prepared enough.  Yes.  She can’t stress enough to always have extra clothes with me.  I said sometimes we don’t bring our purses.  I think she thinks I’m making this a problem.  I told her for sure to have extra clothes in the car.  I also said how when I go to the bathroom a lot whether I have to go or not sometimes I get stubborn like ‘I’m not going again!’  That’s a denial thing.  It makes it seem worse how much I go because sometimes I don’t even have to.  As far as extra clothes to pack.  It’s 5 days and 4 nights.  I always tell people to pack one extra set just in case.  She asked if pants and shorts were all included.  I said no.  So I decided maybe 3 extra shorts and 1 extra pants.  She said shorts are easier to pack.  Yes.  And I told her it’s my car so I can have a bag of extra extras in the car if I need to.  But then again it’s hard to pack all the luggage in.  I think she thinks I’m full of excuses but I’m just thinking all of what could or couldn’t be.    If they make fun of me (they will) just to laugh along with them.  It’s hard.  She said they’d be doing it in a positive way, not negative.  And I told her how I’ve managed so well to hide this nighttime thing I don’t want anyone ever to find out.  And they may.  She said how good it is that I’m living my life to even go on the trip.  That’s really good.  To keep going and fighting no matter what (I’m sure she tells herself that all the time with her cancer and what a good job she does!).  How I planned it and what a great thing it is that now this friend of my friend’s who has ovarian cancer can now join us.  What a great thing.  I told her my friend didn’t know how we’d really feel about her deciding to join us.  She felt relieved when I was happy.  She smiled.  We talked a bit about the 2 phone calls to my cell phone I want her to make and we’ll decide exactly when next time which is our last time before the trip.  I don’t want her to get them mixed up.  One is to get me through the week because I can’t talk to her or see her at all before I go.  The other one is while I’m there.  She jotted some notes down but I hope she knows what to say at the times.  I mentioned briefly how helpful it is when she calls me when I’m there a couple times but sometimes we have trouble connecting.  She said she’ll have to look at her schedule.  I guess we’ll do that next time, too.    I told her about the 30 minute massage I have today.  She didn’t know it was today.  I told her how scared I am.  She said very firmly to me, “You won’t fall asleep during it.  You won’t.”  I shook my head OK.  She told me to go to the bathroom right before and make sure I pay attention and stay in control.  She didn’t say my bladder but motioned in that direction.  I nodded OK again.   But something strange happened when we ended.  She always just stands up and I leave.  This time she left me in the room and dashed out to stick her head into the massage therapist.  When I got there I heard her say, “My name’s here.”  She’s never done that before – she never announces I’m there and ready.  I think her partner therapist was in there and I heard someone say something about going to the bathroom – I think it was that partner.  I paused in the hallway and waited while my therapist then turned around and saw me.  I mouthed that I was going to the bathroom first and went in.  She nodded OK and I assume went back to her office but I don’t know for sure.  When I came out of the bathroom her partner therapist, who was still talking to the massage therapist, went into the bathroom when I came out and we exchanged very quick ‘hi how are you’s’.  Very strange.  My therapist told me she wouldn’t say anything to her about my problem, she promised.  She didn’t realize I was going today for the ½ hour and it’s funny how she just jumped up like that.  And, if she said anything she said it in front of her partner therapist, too!  That’s not right but who knows what she knows anyway.  I’m hoping nothing.  I’ve talked to her before – calling her for updates of my therapist when she had her mastectomy.  She’s nicer on the phone than in person.  In person she hardly says hi or when she does it’s more impersonal and just like she has to do it but without really wanting to or meaning to.  Just my observations.  And that one time I had that bad conflict with my therapist and she said something to her before she took me in like some signal if she needed her or something.  I don’t even want to think about that because that really bothers me and it’s in the past and things are not like that now and I hope they will never be.  No conflicts!  I hate conflicts!  I tried to notice if the massage therapist knew anything.  I couldn’t tell but she did tell me if I needed to go to the bathroom at anytime to grab the robe and she’ll step out.  She could tell this to everyone.  Otherwise I didn’t notice anything directly.  She even talked a long time afterwards about letting go of certain emotions and things and then the problem areas she’s working on goes away.  How once her husband just let loose and had to pull himself together afterwards with another massage therapist.  Something triggered something.  I asked her if she noticed anything with me she didn’t really answer directly except I’m tight in the neck and upper right back area which we know. She said I’m more relaxed now with these more than when I first came in and we started.  She said what ever happens in these 4 walls stays in these 4 walls.  Whatever happens is OK.  Whatever I want to tell her or not tell her is OK, too.  But, I’m thinking, it wouldn’t be OK if went to the bathroom on her table.  She wouldn’t say that then.  I’m so scared.  I noticed she didn’t do anything in the tummy area.  She said she could.  Sometimes people need it for lower back pain.  But nothing about inner abdominal organs like stomach, liver, bladder, female, etc.  So I really don’t know.  That wouldn’t be fair if she told her anything.  But maybe she did to prepare her if anything happed or to protect me if anything happened.  I can trust her but I’m just not sure on this one.  By the time I filled out papers, got my clothes off (I kept my underwear and bra on) and she got started it was a while.  She looked at my paper and said good – no medical problems.  I wouldn’t put my bladder problems on that sheet anyway.  And maybe she went over 30 minutes.  About half way through I kept really worrying about needing to go and having to do a reality check if I did or not.  Sometimes it’s just worry and it’s really hard for me to tell the difference.  But at the very end I did need to go and didn’t want to try to wait.    So I was on my tummy and I just said, “Her name, I need to go to the bathroom.”  She seemed thrilled, very happy and said, “OK, that’s good.  We are done anyway.”  She completely stopped that second.  I’m wondering if she’s glad I spoke up and told her and not peed all over the table.  What did my therapist tell her?  That I may not speak up or that I may get so relaxed I don’t feel it and go?  I hope she didn’t tell her anything but I just don’t know.  She was stepping out and told me to grab the robe if I needed to go right now.  I did, put it on and went out.  She was in the bathroom washing her hands and got out real fast when she saw me.  I am proud I spoke up and said something and not try to wait because what if I couldn’t?  That would be really bad!   I’m still wondering if she knows anything.  Was she telling me all that stuff for a reason to try to get me to talk or does she do that with everyone.  I know my therapist wants me to tell her so she can help me better.  I just can’t.  I can’t.  Maybe at some point but not now, maybe not ever.  So now I have one more time with her before the trip.  I hope to end on a positive note and thinking I can do this trip.  That I’ll be fine and if I’m not I can handle it.  I don’t want to do any exposures or experiments before because I may wet my pants and I don’t want that to happen again before this trip.  I hope it goes well and I can leave feeling good because I don’t want to have to call her during that week.  She’ll be out of town in which she really deserves and doesn’t need me to be bothering her for such nonsense.  Even if it’s only a voice mail.  I want to be able to handle this completely on my own and stop being so dependent.  I’ve never been like this.  I’ve been the most independent person but for some reason I can’t be for this problem.  I’m trying – I am.