We Talked More About My Problem Although I Didnt Plan On It
I really didn’t want to talk about my problem again. I’ve had a nice few times without and told my therapist I need to start working next week to prepare for my trip again with talking and exposures. But we ended up talking extensively about my problem because I’m going to be with my real estate lady tomorrow for an extensive period of time who knows nothing at all about me and my problem. Much more than I wanted to talk today about it but it was needed and definitely helpful. I thank her for going on with it when I could have easily said today, “No more.” First I said how I wanted to be invisible last night in the waiting area with my daughter and her boyfriend fighting – yelling (no, she didn’t hear). My grandson was sitting on my lap and I tried to distract him from it. She asked me how it felt. It’s hard being there when that’s going on because I want to protect my kids so much but not to meddle. I also said how I hate conflicts and don’t like to hear it. I told her how my daughter told me I could leave with my grandson if I needed too while she was in with her and he was out with me. I told my therapist I can handle her boyfriend. Unless he’d start at me or start at my grandson and then I’d leave. I said the good thing about Facebook (sometimes you read things you don’t want to know though) is he apologized and I felt better without having to call her and seem bugging her. Then I said how they (minus the boyfriend) came to our house last night. My grandson jumped in the car with me, “Nana, I’m all buckled up.” My daughter drove her boyfriend home and then came over. My grandson is so adorable with his neon blonde hair in the summer, blue eyes and summer tan. If I was a 6 year old little girl… I think I said he looks like a California surfer kid. She said how cute he is and I said he already has girls calling him up. And he’s so good, so polite. I hope he always stays like that forever – if we can get him away from his dad! I told her about the exposure I did with him and didn’t realize it was an exposure until after. I just wanted to be there with him and help him. He’s very much afraid of bugs and spiders. It was getting dark and much to my daughters surprise, when I asked him to go outside to catch lightening bugs, he said yes. I explained how slowly we went and how I was out there with him catching them in the jar myself. And, I never made him do anything he didn’t want to. I told her I learned that from her, and thanks to her, with us doing our exposures. She never makes me do anything I don’t want to. She was so glad I told her that story and said he’ll probably remember that all his life and how I taught him the safety of animals. I said how I want to be there as a safe haven for my grandkids. I’m very calm, we laugh, we have fun but I never yell. She said when you laugh you don’t think about your problems. Yes. I said how my granddaughter doesn’t always say nice things to her Mom. She’s not like that with me or my daughter. My therapist said she respects me. I told her how my daughter was looking through my stuff (how I was afraid on the trip) but it’s not just being nosey (a little) it’s the closeness bond that she feels. She’s my daughter but closer to a sister that I haven’t had. After my grandson played his games on my Ipod (I told him only 15 minutes and then we’ll color or something) she took it and looked at games, photos (my birthday this year my son must have put on) and the videos. My therapist looked like she knew what she found like oh, oh. My throw up videos! She was listening intensely to the rest of the story. I told my daughter she doesn’t want to look at them, they are my throw up videos. I said I do them with my therapist and my daughter just laughed at me. I told her it was a good thing it wasn’t about bathroom things or finding my journal on line and reading it. I don’t mention names but events with people that anyone can make the connections. Later she said how I’m getting better at people finding out stuff about me – well it was really related to my problem but used this as an example. So I said I wanted to make 2 phone calls (my male friend’s birthday today and my son to remind him of my husband’s birthday Sunday), I need to talk about this weekend a little and then I know she wanted to do that light bar with me. We ended up not doing the light bar at all because we spent too much time figuring out about tomorrow. I did say I watched the videos two times up close and one of them looked fake like liquid was sprayed, one was quick and one really bothered me because I couldn’t see what I saw looking at it farther away with her. She asked me if I wanted to look at more videos today but we didn’t get to that either. She said about doing the time line that I may not remember that we did a little in the past. To do it about the throwing up fear to see where it comes from. That the exposures are good but in combination with that. She thought we’d start on some of this on Monday but I said about the trip getting closer so I guess we’ll see. She also wants to hear what happens this weekend. And before I get into that I asked her if she has any upcoming trips that she won’t be here. The week before I go on my trip she can see me Monday and Wednesday later after her seminar. I’m not sure if she’ll be gone that weekend or not. Then in September (1st) she is going on a fun trip. Her step-mom is taking all the sisters on a cruise and they will stop in Belize and she’ll get to see her son. Very nice! Ok. It started because I was worried about tomorrow with my real estate lady. I thought she’d flake on me but she didn’t – I just talked to her. She knows nothing about my problem and I don’t just go telling anyone. Anyone that knows it’s because I’ve been with them for a longer period of time. I’m not with anyone long. Like that man in the waiting room. She said no, I wouldn’t tell him. And, I don’t even tell my massage therapist and I see her every week. She commented she knows but it may be helpful to tell her because she is a massage therapist and may be able to help (who knows what she has already told her). I told her I asked her about her trip and she told me for 50 minutes (that’s OK because I wanted to hear) before we started so I did tell her I was going to go to the bathroom first before she began. But she said my real estate lady would be a good person to practice with because it won’t be an on going relationship – just short term. I said I’m fast but she’s not. She talks & talks a lot. She says she brainstorms with kids and writes down on paper what to say in certain situations (like how to say no to drinking and such). So she got out paper and wrote. I had no idea what to say. I told her because I never tell anyone and I just have no idea. She jokingly said, “That’s why we’re doing this!” I said, “Ok, I get your point.” I couldn’t even think of very many things on my own. I’m glad we did it because she said it would help keep me from freezing about it which I may do. Right. So it’s familiar. I didn’t say but that sounds familiar – with my having accidents and “being familiar” so I know how to deal with it and react in real situations. Here’s what we came up with. 1. While we’re out I might need to go to the bathroom a few times. She laughed at this one a lot. It’s one I thought of. I asked her what she’s laughing at. She said because – yes, everyone does. I’m like, OK – like so what? I know. We realize she doesn’t know the extent of it. 2. There is something you may not know about me. I take frequent bathroom breaks. She thought about those signs in stores that are funny when she said this one. At first, before we brainstormed, she said to say there’s something quirky about me that you don’t know about. I don’t think I could say that. 3. I stop at all bathrooms. She said this after she thought about bumper stickers on cars: I stop at all garage sales. 4. Then I was thinking how I would say things if I needed to go or just wanted to stop. I’d say: Do you mind if we stop or can we find a bathroom? 5. Then I was thinking about if we were in a house/condo. Maybe if another real estate person was there or not. I’d say: Could I use your bathroom? 6. Then we thought together on this one: I’m going to try out the bathroom. I asked if I could just go sneak off and go. She really didn’t answer and I teased about flushing all the toilets in the house to see if they work. So she gave me the paper of what she wrote out. I jokingly said to keep it in my purse and pull it out and decide which one I want to say: a,b.c.d.e or f. We laughed. She said I could put it on my phone. I added to text them to myself. Anyway, we spent too much time on it but it was needed. At the beginning of the conversation I told her how when we looked a couple weeks ago I had to ask my husband to stop two times. We also tried to figure out logistically how far things are. One subdivision isn’t too far from my house and to make sure I go to the bathroom before going out to the farther ones. I told her I didn’t know what would be first or if she’d find others to see too. I’d never done this before. She told me about a gas station that was near one complex. She said to make sure I have extra clothes with me. “Here we go again (dealing) with extra clothes,” I commented. I told her I’m glad she told me because I would have never thought to bring them. All that is past with the trip and I don’t want to think about it. But she is right. I told her when we go places with our friends or with my husband I keep clothes, when I remember and I usually do, with me in the car. But I’d want to have these with me just in case. She said my bigger purse and I can even bring shorts. Yes. I am glad she told me because I brain freeze about it and it does give me a sense of security to have extra clothes with me. And, you know what I’m thinking now, I’ll bring that piece of paper she wrote out with me, too. Always room for extra security. Then I told her that the more I think about it I’m going to have to go all the time preventatively – way ahead of time so I’m not caught in a situation that I really need to go. But I realize that will look like I’m going more frequently. First I told her I won’t drink anything and it’ll be hot. Then I said it’ll help but I’ll need to go to the bathroom – I can’t do that for all day. If we stop for lunch that will be easy for me to just go but I don’t know if we will. She thought because she’s older maybe she would need to go, too. I told her the 3 hours she was at my house she didn’t need to. But she thinks she’s a pretty understanding person and may even know of a friend who goes a lot. She has 2 girls, she used to own a restaurant, she’s in real estate and people may have yelled at her and much worse (wonder if my therapist gets yelled at much – hope not). This would be like nothing to her. So she would be a good person to test this out on. We got into talking about laughing about it because she said, “At least we can laugh about it.” Yeah. I said that it’s OK for people to laugh with me but not at me. She said she didn’t think adults would like kids would. She asked me if kids did in the past. Yes, was all I said but didn’t share more. I said that adults would tease me. She said again how it’s because of who I am and what I look like people my age may be envious of me and that’s the only thing there is to tease me about so they go for it. She said about weight problems again for others and when I said me, too she just fluffed it off not wanting to talk about it like always. I feel like I’m gaining too much weight and my belly – but I know I’m not fat. But it is an issue with me and someday we need to explore it. And, that a husband of one of my friends does tease me a lot about it. She thought my friends probably shared things with their husbands. I agreed and reminded her of the friend’s husband who gave her toilet paper to give to me for the trip. She laughed. I said that I think what happened on the trip with my 2 friends has scarred me. I didn’t need that. It was the only way I could handle it at the time and I feel like I’ve done something wrong. It was by the car or having an accident or having to walk in through a bunch of people with wet clothes. I told her how they tried to problem solve and suggest – a lot of talk about it - but they have no clue about how hard I’ve worked on this and how much I’ve tried to problem solve it myself. I know all that. One friend said something about sitting on something but even myself and another friend said, “Then what do I do with it?” Just no clue about things and they don’t even know I see a counselor. She agreed that they just don’t know about it. What would they do? I said again how I just don’t tell anyone. If they notice and ask (it would be more if I have accidents and not so much just going a lot) I do tell them. I wouldn’t tell them on my own – only if they ask. I’m open about it and I do talk. I’m not shameful about it on the outside like I am on the inside. I’m a very different person around people about it. I told her about the dinner theatre we are going to this Saturday night. She thinks she went to it many years ago. I talked to a friend of mine and he said they are interactive with the audience. Great! She said my luck they will pick me out. I said at the comedy club I was able to escape that by sitting at the very end but at the magic show I wasn’t. When I got up he said something. She said I may have to time this right. To get up and go during a song when they can’t single me out. Right. When I needed to go to the bathroom I told her and we just kept on talking. I guess she figured I was going to wait since I didn’t go right away. At one point I asked her how long it’s been. She said about 4 minutes. We kept on talking. But soon it was getting harder and I know I started to make faces and move around more. She sort of stopped talking, smiled at me, but continued on after I asked her now how long. 6 minutes. Very soon, after more faces and looking like I really needed to go, I said, “I better go,” and I got up and went. 6 minutes was not very long at all. I can do better than that! We talked a little about my journaling that no one is reading it. It’s on Google and a site and how I don’t even get comments anymore. But I continue to write and I even print it out like a book just in case I ever need to refer to it. She said maybe someone’s reading or later they will or even my best friend or my Mom is (I’m not sure about that one – both have died). We talked about the people dying in the years ending with a 1. 1971 (my grandma), 1981 (my dad), 1991 (my uncle), 2001(my best friend) and I’m scared in 2011. And the relatives dying after the youngest turns 25. I’m waiting this year to see if the cycle is hopefully broken, with my cousin. But I’m scared of my husband or I dying after my youngest will turn 25 in October. Please, God no! Let this cycle stop. Thank you. We talked about old superstitions and I said how my grandfather was very strict and something about drinking pee or something – I don’t know for sure because I didn’t want to hear it. I think she thought that was strange and boy, so do I. I’m glad I didn’t live back then with them! I went to my massage therapist after but she called to say was going to be a little late. She asked me to just wait for her so I went out in the waiting area and just waited and talked to the people out there. My therapist called in a 17 year old girl and her Mom waited for her out there. When my massage therapist came she was hurried and commented she hadn’t turned on the music. Then she said that’s OK we chat anyway. Yeah! What she doesn’t know is we not only chat just to chat (she’s really very nice and shares with me about her life, too) but I have another purpose in this. I talk a lot so I don’t get too relaxed during the massages so I don’t accidently go to the bathroom. But that she doesn’t know nor does she have to – contrary to my therapists beliefs. Oh well … just my thing. So the moral for today we had a good session and she was really nice and friendly. I feel very lucky to have her as my therapist because she lets me talk about whatever I want and lets me not talk about whatever I want not to. Never does she make me do anything I'm too uncomfortable doing, or just can't do, and always making me feel safe with her in whatever I choose. She never makes me feel bad for my feelings nor does she ever indicate that she gets tired of talking about certain subjects even when I do. She doesn’t push me but she has a way to continue with things that she feels is important (like our discussion about tomorrow with my real estate lady) without making me feel like she’s making me do it. I wouldn’t have wanted to continue with it and that wouldn’t have been a wise choice because I now feel more prepared. I appreciate how she knows what’s best for me even when sometimes I don’t or I don’t want to recognize it. And, with the exposures, it has not only been good for me with my problem and knowing what to do with all the practicing, she has also taught me how to be there for others while doing exposures with them so I can help them through their problems. Very nice!