We Talked About Logistics Of The Trip

We talked about logistics of the trip today.  But first she commented on quite a phone call I had last night from my aunt.  Yes, it really upset me and I didn’t tell her all she said (I called and left her a message after it happened).  She was so attacking.  I know what it is, too.  My Mom used to be like that, for forever and I hated it.  So it’s worse to hear again from my aunt.  She said it was a trigger and one day we can use the light bar on that.  I love her and I know she loves me but when she does this I don’t think she does.  She said that’s my child.  What would my adult say?  That it’s her.  Yes.  That’s how I need to think.  I just have to be me, myself going in there.    I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and she said we can talk about this more later.  She wanted to know my agenda for today.  I told her I first want to practice keeping calm when I’m needing to go to the bathroom and go walking.  We talked a little about it first before we went.  She told me I have to do whatever I need to do, Kegels or what works for me, so I can not let any urine out and make it to the bathroom.  She asked me if I have anything special I do.  I smiled and told her that’s what I do but she knows how sometimes it doesn’t work and I go to the bathroom any way.  There is a certain point that my body can’t physically do it.  But I think that happens too soon sometimes because I escalate it.  That I really can hold it longer.  She asked me what happens then.  I guessed that with the anxiety I put more pressure on it and then I go.  She said that makes sense.  It can cause me to spasm and like that article I brought in how going to the bathroom too much preventatively can cause that, too.  She said she just talked to a client yesterday who is afraid of shots.  When she tenses up it will hurt – even more.  That’s kind of like what I do.  I tense up and it causes my bladder to spasm and then I can’t hold it.    So we went and I had my purse with me with extra clothes.  She asked me before we left if I wanted to not have an accident or to have one.  I want to try not to but I know each time I do these I risk having one.  We walked out, I had to close the inner office door tight and we got outside her office in the hallway.  She said we were going to stay close to the bathrooms so I have success.  I asked if we were not going outside.  So we went down the stairs and out the back.  She told me we’ll just walk around one time and come back in.  We needed to stay close. I just followed her lead thinking so knows best.  When we were walking out she asked me what I was at.  A five.    We walked around once.  She talked – yeah!  I like that so much better – something for me to listen to.  She asked me if I’ve packed yet.  No and I asked her if she has.  A little.  But I have packed my son’s stuff.  I can’t remember any other conversation but I think there was one.  After we walked that one time (I don’t think a real big circle) we head back inside.  She asked me what number I am now.  A five or a six.  She said to see if I can get that back down to a five.  We walked back inside, down the stairs and over to the hallway.  The door to the office was closed – yeah!  We got to just outside the bathroom and I put my hands on my thighs and moved around a little really needing to go.  She asked me what I was now.  A seven.  She wanted to know if I wanted to go sort of encouraging me to go.  No, not yet.  I wanted to work through this. I wanted to go past any panic.  So we walked downstairs into another hallway.  Coming back I started to panic.  I don’t know what I said.  Maybe that.  I started going and I don’t know if I said that or she just knew.  We were heading back to the hallway with the bathroom anyway.  So I went inside to change and came back out with my stupid bag behind my back.  That’s so silly – she knows what happened.  We walked back up the stairs and she said it’s nice to have something with me.  She commented about my purse I bought for this that it’s a good thing and no one knows what’s inside.  Yes – this purse is my bible for trips I told her.  We came back upstairs and I think I was first back into the office.  On the way in she talked about carrying things with.  She has a guy client who has seizures and carries his medicine in his shirt pocket and people with diabetes do, too.  I said my friend has a case he carries and my Dad had nitroglycerin.  She asked me how that was.  I thought I did really good for a while in not escalating it.  I’m blanking out again about anything else we talked about.  Maybe something about telling myself at the time that I can make it, I can wait until I get to the bathroom.  That I have time.  I think that’s what I told her downstairs when we continued on after I didn’t want to go to the bathroom yet.    So I’m guessing we just went into me talking about the logistics of the trip.  First was the airplane.  It’s a 4 hour flight.  I told her I like to sit next to the window and look out but that means bothering people when I need to go to the bathroom.  She asked me which is more important, if I take an isle seat and not worry as much?  No, I like the window.  So she went on to tell me that I can’t let that interfere with me getting up and going to the bathroom.  I need to go every time I have to.  I know.  “Is that a deal?” she wanted to know.  Yes.  Then I said, “Unless it’s somebody mean.”  She said I’ll still have to.  I know, I’ll never see that person again.  Right.  I also said how sometimes they don’t want you to make lines in the isle and then you have to sit there watching for people to come out.  Others might beat you in and it makes it longer and longer.  She knows.  I asked her how many times she thinks I’ll need to go to the bathroom on the plane.  She said I should go before I get on the plane and then again before I get off because I won’t know when I can again.  I thought she meant that’s all so I said, “I’ll need to go in between then, too.”  She knows.  She just said that as a standard.  She said to count on 3-4 times needing to go on the airplane.  I guess that’s 2-3 times in the air and one before I get off.  It’s about a four hour flight.  Then we have to get out luggage and then take a shuttle 10 miles away to rent our car.  Do I need to go again before we leave to do that?  She said it depends on how long it takes to get the luggage.  Then we will go to an attraction and then the bigger attraction.  I guess there will be bathrooms at the first attraction but I don’t know how long the tour is.  Then we have at least a 4+ hour ride to my son’s.  And we will stop.  When we are in the middle of nowhere I may have to ask my husband to stop and I’ll just go.  I hate to do that but I may have to.  She’s been to this city we are flying into a few years ago but doesn’t know what the terrain on the outskirts, where my son lives, looks like.  We’ll see him and then go to our hotel in the next town 10 minutes away.  Then the next day pick him up and go into the big city and see family.  Basically I just need to use my judgment on things.  I know I have to say something right away when I need to go.  Yes, she definitely agreed.  She said on the trip I’ll need to go preventively.  I know.  I told her how every time I go on a trip I go preventatively, I don’t wait very long and I don’t drink very much.  Everything I’ve been doing just goes down the drain.  She said this week to drink a lot of water and wait longer.  I told her I do and I have been doing that.    Then we talked about sleeping at my cousin’s house.  I’m worried but she said that Big Bertha will do her job.  I wondered how I can get rid of it.  I don’t want to throw it away there.  “You mean after Big Bertha has done her job?” she asked.  She said to get a little plastic bag and put it in my suitcase.  I said maybe I’ll have my backpack – it really comes in handy.  I can put it in there and then throw it away later.  I’m sure I’ll have my privacy in the bathroom while changing.  She asked if I would feel comfortable asking my cousin to do laundry there.  I said how it’s only going to be my second day and he’ll wonder what in the heck do I have to wash.  And, no I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking.  At my son’s?  I don’t think he has a washer/dryer.  I told her maybe at the hotel in the second big city.  Yes, maybe they will have a laundry there.  I said we’ll have a car and on my other trips I just put my wet clothes in the trunk.  She said to get a special bag just for me – maybe even my backpack.  No one has to know why.  I even said a plastic bag.  Yes, that will work.  I guess I’ll have to do that until we get home.  We also talked about having to go to the bathroom in the car with my son, too and I’ll just have to do what I need to do.  And that I don’t want to go kayaking.  Is it OK that I don’t?  She said it is.  He can do that with his Dad and I can go shopping.  I said I may need the time to myself by then.  Yes, she knows.  But he’ll try to make me feel bad for not going.  Maybe we can do something else.    At some point (I can’t remember exactly when) I needed to go to the bathroom again.  She asked me what I wanted to do.  I wanted to go next door and go to the bakery counter.  We talked maybe a minute longer and left.  We needed my extra clothes so I told her the ones from her drawer.  She got them out, handed the bag to me.  Going out of her office I asked her to hold the bag.  She did.  So we left.  On the steps I commented that there may be more people over there because it’s getting near lunch time.  Going out to our parking lot she asked me what I’m at.  A five, I’m OK.  I told her just doing this I can’t start out any lower than a five.  She told me to give myself permission to leave the bakery counter and go to the bathroom there if I needed to.  Ok.  She commented about the nice weather.  I told her I was thinking on the way over here today that we might miss peak week with the colors so beautiful on the trees.  I don’t think they have that where we are going.  She said yes, it’s a trade off.  So we got to the store and walked in just before some other people.  The bakery counter is right up front.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said what ever I’m getting.  I was going to say the usual but I went over and glanced at the other counter.  I said the usual.  I asked her what flavor.  She said apple so I told the girl 2 apples in 2 separate bags.  She seemed to be taking forever.  I looked at my therapist a couple times (big grin as usual), I glanced around the store, I looked down at the counter.  My therapist 2 or 3 times asked me how I’m doing (louder than usual, I’m surprised).  I said OK.  It may have been the times I looked at her.  I think I was moving around just a little – at least a little more than last time.  Finally the girl finished.  She grabbed the goodies, I took the change and we walked out.   As soon as we got outside I asked her if she was taking longer than usual or what?  She said she was taking her good old time and teased me that she paid her to do that.  She told her to take a long time when this blonde lady comes in.  So I played back with her and commented that she did that on purpose.  I said that we got there just before the other people so thank goodness we didn’t have to wait.  Back on our parking lot she asked me how I was doing.  Ok.  Do I want to go to the bathroom upstairs or downstairs?  Upstairs.  She said I’m doing great and I’m going to make it.  So we went inside and up the stairs.  I do remember her saying we are going to gain weight eating these goodies and asked me if apple was my favorite flavor.  Yes.  She asked me if I’ve ever made them.  I really couldn’t concentrate on anything by then and I think I uttered out, “I think so.”  But I said that because I couldn’t think at all to answer.    Just as we were going in to the building (I told her later) that’s when I started to panic again.  She asked me what number I was.  A 10 – no a 12 or a 15.  That high?  Yes.  But anyway, we were on the steps close to the top and I think I said that I just peed a little.  I don’t know if she heard that or not.  But she turned around and looked at me and asked me how I’m doing and if I can make it.  I think I told her I didn’t know or I couldn’t and she handed me my bag.  Maybe I said, “I can’t!”  We went inside her office waiting area I would imagine her first.  She told me she’ll wait for me in her office and I think she told me just before that no one was there.  I went into the bathroom, went to the bathroom and changed.   I came back out and went back into her office.  She asked me how that went.  I told her I didn’t make it all the way but didn’t say how much.  I think I said I was going to the bathroom.  She said, though, she would call that a success and told me she didn’t see anything.    Yes, I think it was a success too because I was fine over next door.  This is when we talked about what numbers I was at.  I asked her what I looked like next door.  I think she said she could tell I was anxious to get that girl to move faster.  I asked her if I moved around very much.  I think she said a little.  Here’s another one of those memory losses.  Do I block this out or is something wrong with me?  Anyway I said that the girl didn’t know.  No. She said normally I would have left the counter and went to the bathroom.  This was just our experimenting.    I told her how hard these are and I’m glad to be done for a while.  She knows.  So we continued talking about the trip.  I can’t remember if this was before or after the store but I asked her how many Big Bertha’s I should take.  The “new and improved” Big Bertha we chuckled about.  She said at least one a night.  There are four nights.  I said I don’t need one with my husband.  She asked what size bed with him.  I couldn’t remember.  But I’ll need one with my son.  She asked who will sleep with who – if I’ll be sleeping with my husband or if my son will.  I said I’ll sleep with my husband and we’ll put my son on the sofa bed.  And, I’ll need one for my cousin’s house.  Then she said two because I may be anxious and need two of them.  Yes.  But I did tell her I don’t wet the bed every night.  And we talked earlier how it’s hard for me to sleep I’m so excited and keyed up.  I didn’t say but I remember from the Mexico trip that when I finally do get to sleep I’m thinking it’s a deeper sleep because I’m so tired and then I’ll be more likely to go.  So when we were talking about how much to bring, when I’d ask her what she would bring, she’d say a lot!  What’s a lot?  I think she said about 8 pads and 10 pair of pants.  But that’s her and I’m not like her.  I think differently.  She’d say, “If I had this problem I would …”  I didn’t say but I think I think differently because I don’t want to know that I have this problem and I think if I don’t bring very much, just like normal people, I really don’t have the problem.  Or, I’ll be in my denial that I don’t have the problem at all so who needs all those extras?  I guess at some point I should talk about that.  We’ve really only touched on it but not about long trips and such.   She said if it was her she’d wear a long skirt and bike shorts, a long tunic top and even a pad every where she would go - all the time!   I told her I wouldn’t do the skirt thing.  I think I only have one skirt and it’s more tapered.  She mentioned the thrift store and how the ladies next door wear them.  Who knows what’s going on under their skirts.  Maybe that’s why they wear them or they may be hiding kids under there like a tent.  I told her how I do have cousins like that.  They just keep having kids.  I do have a couple dresses, mostly short but no – I wouldn’t do that.  She teased me and told me I’ll bring back a picture of me with a long skirt on with the bike short underneath.  I said yeah, and I’ll hold it up some so you can see the bike shorts.  We laughed.  She talks so much about the skirt and bike shorts!  And she said she expects me to come back from my trip with a new invention that all people like me can use.  I smiled and thought yeah, right.  I wish there was something to invent.    But what she said about a pad.  That got me thinking.  I do need to take those with me.  She said that they will buy me some time.  Yes.  I asked her how many.  That’s when she said again if it was her – lots!  What’s lots?  She said maybe 8 and she’d have them with her in her purse.  Then we started to talk about pants.  I asked her how many?  I think at first she said 7.  There are 5 days we will be gone.  I told her that I feel like I can’t take anything cute because jeans are the best (I do have some cute jeans though) because they look like each other.  If I take something really nice and pee in them that will be it.  She said I can take 2 pair of black pants.  She asked me how many pair of jeans I own.  A lot.  She said to take the rest jeans.  Maybe 8 and 2 for a total of 10.  I asked her how many accidents she thinks I’ll have – one a day like we’ve talked about before.  She said 2.  2 accidents a day!  No – she meant 2 pair of pants a day to plan for.  I hope I don’t have 2 accidents a day!   But I might with all the traveling.    I told her when we come back into town where my son lives and we go up in the mountains I’m not worried at all.  I’m sure I’ll find some mountain.  She thinks or trees.  I’m not so sure about trees – how many trees are out there.  But I don’t think many people are out there so I’m not worried.  I can even tell them to just walk on ahead and then I can go.  And  maybe it’s a good thing I don’t know what we are doing other wise so I don’t worry so much.  And I’m thinking now sometimes it’s better to be prepared and sometimes not to not worry.  It’s hard to figure this out sometimes.  I asked her on the 4 hour trips how many times does she think I’ll need to go to the bathroom.  She said 3-4.  I also asked her if I should not drink very much on this trip.  She said it’s going to be hot and dry where I’m at and I’ll need to.  I told her my husband is already talking about that.  We have these little Propel packets and to bring them – lots of them – because I don’t like plain water.  I’ll drink Propel flavored water.  I’m not sure what she said in general.  Maybe she said to just use my judgment.  Earlier, when I first got there,  I had said that I want to have fun.  I don’t want to worry about this and think about it all the time.  It’s like a burden on my shoulders.    There was one more thing I wanted to talk about.  I hesitated a second because I hate asking for things.  I told her how I’m so excited.  I want to see my son so badly.  I think I’ll hug him and not want to let go.  I’m so excited about this trip and can’t wait to go.  She said I really deserve this trip.  And I’m going to my favorite city.  But it’s the trip I’m most anxious about because of people and such and so many more challenges than the other trips.  I told her I know it’s her vacation, too but I was wondering if we can have some contact during because I may need it.    I told her I’d still like for her to leave me a message on my cell phone.  And, write something I can carry in my purse and look at when I need to.  But what if I really need to talk?  She said I can call her cell phone.  That’s her emergency number.  She’ll write it down for me on Thursday.  I told her the number memorized - I hear it every time I call and it’s implanted in my brain!  I said how she’d call me every other day on my other trips.  She said how it’s sometimes hard to connect so I’d have to leave a message and she’ll call me back when she can.  We will both be with people and may not be able to talk.  I know.  Even a message from her is good.  She said we’ll talk on Thursday about it and come up with some kind of plan.  That’s really nice.  I don’t want to have to call her – I really don’t – I think I even apologized ahead of time.  Even now, all the time, I try my best not to call.  I very rarely ask her to call me back.  It’s just for me to talk a couple minutes when something really stressful is going on and it’s so helpful.  But on this trip I may need more just because of the nature of it and not know what is going to happen. It’s so nice of her to do all she does for me!  So I left.  She actually kept me a few minutes longer this time which again, was very nice.  We talked about how I have a day off of this tomorrow.  Yeah!  And I said for her, too.  As I was walking out she told me to pack.  I pointed to my worry box and told her I have to do those cards, too.  So I come back on Thursday – last time before the trip.  Both our trips!  I hope she has a great time, too!