We Started On My Family History Report Again

“Listening to your music?” she asked me when she called me in and I had my IPod.  I told her yes, but only a very short time because Josh just called me.  I told her 2 exciting things have happened these last couple days.  She lit up and asked me if they are good things.  One is and the other is good for some people.  I told her about my son getting a job, calling me, the texts and phone calls between my daughter and I and such.  He’s such a nice guy and deserves this so much.  He was out about 4 months and only 2 interviews – all word of mouth.  I said how he recorded “Weeds” for my youngest and I sent it off to him this morning.  When you do good things for people good things come back to you.    I said how my grandson came in from his Dad’s yesterday with an “I’m a big brother” pin on.  His Dad’s new wife had a baby girl 4AM yesterday.  The 2 boys had to go to another grandma’s house.  But I think I raised my daughter right because she got upset when she saw her pulling up smoking a cigarette and pregnant on Friday when they picked him up.  Now my grandson has 4 half or step sisters and one half or step brother.  She commented it’s hard on kids these days.  Yes.  She asked me if he ever has contact with his older half sisters and I told her no but I would like him to.    I called my youngest and told him about the dvd I sent off to him with 2 brand new pens inside.  He was thrilled about the pens (he never has anything to write with) and of course, the dvd.  My therapist said she has seen “Weeds” when I asked her.  She said he sounded good.  Yes and after I called her (message only) the other night I hung up and called him, too.    I told her my daughter saw my used to be friend the other night coming out of a restaurant.  She said she asked how I am, said she hasn’t talked to me in a while and will call me tomorrow.  Even my daughter thought tomorrow was next month.  She hasn’t called and I told my therapist how I don’t care.  She said how that’s so good and how much I’ve grown on that.    I said how she and my massage therapist will be gone the same week.  She had said I could go see her more while she’s gone and now I can’t.  She said I’ll have to figure out a way to use my own insights, or something, instead.  But, like what?  I just don’t know.  I’ve always been such an independent, I’ll do it myself, type of person and now I’m not.  I hate being like this.  It’s been since all those people and my Mom dying, and kids leaving and being home so much.  And so bored and my husband doesn’t help things out at all.  I said maybe to go out and see my youngest on my own.  But my husband would like to, too.  I saw my daughter by myself but no overnight stays at hotels – that would be scary by myself.  And she said it wouldn’t be good alone in case of breakdowns.    Then we talked about goals and making my “mark” as to who I am.  I told her how a goal is getting a job (she said I answered that quickly) but it may or may not be in the same lines as making my “mark.”  That would be that I’m a person who likes to help people both psychologically and physically and I’m a nice person who accepts people and doesn’t make judgment.  I told her how I told my daughter that this weekend while I was helping her with her room being a mess.  I’m not judgmental.   And how I like to have fun and be happy and go and do and explore.  She asked me how long I want to live for, how long I plan on living.  That question really caught me off guard.  I told her I never really thought about it but every once a while you think you never know what can happen.  She asked me another 40 years?  Maybe – my aunt is 94.  She said I could.  I’m just wondering if that question had a little inquiry about if I ever think of suicide in it.  Don’t know – I just read into things sometimes.  I did call her this week and left a message when I was pretty down.  I commented how she has a new call notes.  She said they just changed it – AT & T.  She’s not sure it’s working.  I told her it threw me off a little.  I can review and I tried and had to redo the message a couple times.    I said that I’ve found as I grow older, and you just never know what tomorrow will bring, that when my kids were little I sacrificed for them all the time.  Now I do things more for myself like coming here twice a week and my massages.  I guess a new way of thinking.  She asked me if I wanted to do the family history report of when I was in the hospital when I was 7 turning 8.  Sure.  I’d say it’s been a year since we’ve worked on it.  She asked me if I want to read or her.  I didn’t matter.  She read.  I asked if we should start at the beginning.  We were on about page 7 and she said we’ll start there and maybe skim back later if we need to.  It was about the testing they did on me.  I wonder if she previewed it a little and decided there and made that choice.    She said now a days they would not hospitalize a child like this.  I told her I think I was a kid with normal things happening and my Mom didn’t know how to deal with it.  Like if my brother would have survived maybe I wouldn’t have even been born.  After me they told her no more kids.  So she passed the fears on to me and I didn’t know anything different.  That’s why I like to do and explore and try things now.  I was smothered so much when I was little I couldn’t then.  I had all the love I needed but smothering and that wasn’t good.  My Dad took a more passive role – like my husband she commented.  I said maybe that’s why I have so much love in me because I did get it.  I love my kids more than anything!  It said how my drawings were mutilated (she said that’s too strong of a word) - no arms and legs.  I wasn’t quite sure about that.  I could draw.  She said now she would interpret that as being overprotected and such – not sure.  Not wanting to branch out.  It looks like I had a battery of tests and at first I wasn’t into it at all (like kids sometimes are she said) and I even purposely gave wrong answers.  But later when given the tests I scored an IQ of 133.  That’s very smart she said.  I said when I was in 3rd grade I was a “Borderline genius under pressure” whatever that means.  She said I was a smart kid to figure out how to handle my Mom – something like that.  I said how I’m still good at that – catching things and such.  I said how I felt like a bad person with her pushing her nervousness on to me.    We talked about me being myself and that’s when I feel the best.  I like to be happy and have fun and I can’t do that a lot with my family.  I can with my friends and like we talked the leader, take charge person.  I said how I want others to accept me and she talked a while about me accepting myself and then I won’t care about others accepting me.  We can’t control others.  She really go into that and I’m not sure why.  Maybe in the lines of my problem and then not caring about what others think even though we all like to be liked by people.   We did not talk one inkling – at all – about my problem and it was so so nice.  So nice!  I completely avoided it and I’m sure she did too unless I would start talking about it.  The only thing that happened was when I had to go to the bathroom I told her.  She said, “OK, why don’t you go.”  I did.  She knows how I can’t concentrate very well on things when I have to go and she was pretty intensely reading that report.  I went and came right back without another word about it.    We talked about making changes and such and I said, “Yes, with her help and guidance.”  She just listened.   I said how I want to explore about what it said in there something about attachments or something like that.  I wish I could have a copy of what she wrote down today because I’m having trouble remembering specifics.    She asked me when I was leaving if I’m going to the massage therapist.  “Yes, my 10 minute dealie.”  What I didn’t tell her was what my massage therapist said to me today.  She said when she can’t sleep at night she gets up out of bed, does this series of stretching/exercises and drinks plenty of water (she said it 2 times).  That’s all I need is to drink plenty of water in the middle of the night to add to my bedwetting problem.  Sometimes that’s why I wake up in the first place.  But she must never know that.   When I was writing my check out I told her how I took my last “The Pill” and I don’t know what’s going to happen now.  She said a change in hormones.  I asked how bad her menopause was but she didn’t really answer.  I told her how I tried 2-3 years ago but went back on the pill because my periods were so bad.  So … we will see.