We Made My Concoction Today

She called me in, she said welcome, I asked her how she is, fine, I sat down.  She said it looked like I had something up my sleeves.  “I do!  I do have something up my sleeves,” I told her.  She said she can always tell.  I motioned to the bag I had carried in and told her I want to talk about a couple other things first and then we’ll get to it.  Wonder if she thought it had to do with clothes or protections or something like that for my bladder problem.  Nope, we are switching gears  The first thing I told her was what happened with my son’s check after I left on Monday.  Oh, yes she wanted to know.  I told her I went home, went down to the hospital, we kept missing each other’s phone calls, finally she called me, came out, gave it to me and I took it to the bank.  They had to check something and I tried not to ask many questions.  I only asked if there’s a hold on it.  She had to make a phone call.  She came back to process it and it’s OK but it’s not available until Wednesday.  My bank is different.  I called my son, left that message, called him later, talked to him.  He’s waiting for other money to come in, too.  I did all I could.  She said yes I did.  For now, I added.  We went on.  I asked her if I can change next Monday to Tuesday.  She said yes and looked on her calendar to confirm it.  It’s a holiday and my husband wants to go to one of 2 little towns.  We’ve been wanting to for a while and haven’t.  She said that was good.    Then I told her about yesterday how I was afraid to do something but did.  My husband & I got our flu shots in October.  We went together and I’m always afraid of long lines.  But with him if I needed to go to the bathroom he could always hold my place in line.  I went yesterday by myself to get the H1N1 flu shot.  The week before they said there were 45 minute lines.  I went to the bathroom before I left, didn’t drink very much and I was going to go when I got there too.  But there were no lines and I went right in and out so it wasn’t an issue.  We both thought it was still good that I did that.    Then I told her about a news show I saw that a mayor wants to do something in this state because it helped his wife.  But our state is so conservative.  That would be great if they did.  Maybe my son will come back here.  They are close in the next state over.  She asked if I told him this.  No, I haven’t.    Then I said about my physical therapy and when I came out a worker looked at me after saying hi and told me I’m too healthy to be in there.  Well, it does hurt.  Then I said how I was coming home today and my guy friend called.  I was going to call him today with what the lawyer he knows said.  He said you can copyright through the website and gave me the addy.  He asked me where I was, I told him, we decided to meet at the store where his son works to ask him about how much it would cost to bind a book.  We did.   It sounds expensive and it wouldn’t be the right kind of paper.  He did say I could put it in pdf form and lock the file so no one can print or edit it.  First he said to send it so him and he’ll look at it and give me a price.  That sent panic through me.  His Dad said not to send it to the store email, to use his son’s or even his.  More panic!  Maybe I’m not ready to do this.  Then I told her about the copyright site and it looks so complicated and legal which I don’t know about.  There is a phone number and maybe I’ll call it.  I think she thinks I’ll know when I’m ready and I have to decide that.  I told her I do know someone I grew up with that has just published a children’s book and it took her a long time.  I hate to ask her because other authors aren’t very anxious to share with you.  I tried a long time ago.  She asked me if back when I wrote it did I want to see it get published.  Yes but that was too far down the line with what everyone told me about rejection letters to wallpaper a room.  I think I did it more then for therapeutic reasons.  But yes, it would be nice to get it published.    Then I was ready to do what was up my sleeve.  I told her first we need to talk about it.  I reached in the bag and pulled out a can of vegetable soup.  “We are going to cook,” I told her.  She looked a little like ‘what?’ but I went on quickly.  “No, we are going to make a concoction.”  She smiled like she knew exactly what I was talking about.  I showed her the pre-crumbled cookies and the 2 new, plastic bags.    First I told her that I’m afraid to do it because I’m afraid that will mean it’s going to happen around me or (God forbid) to me.  She looked surprised and asked me why I thought that and of course wrote that down.  Because my Mom used to say if you do something wrong God will punish you.  This isn’t wrong but I’m still afraid.  I’m not sure if I said but maybe God’s way of saying it’s going to happen.  She asked me if I think she thinks like God.  I repeated it.  She said she was just teasing.  No, I didn’t.  So she said we need to write something down to that to make me feel better about it.  We came up with God’s proud of me for doing this.  And even before we left she asked me what would be good to do first.  Then she answered the tappers.  She gave them to me while she said this phrase or two for me to concentrate on it and get it in my head.  It was helpful.  I told her I wanted to empty the soup into the 2 bag and add some water to them with the crumbled up cookies.  The first one I want to go outside and throw it somewhere and then look at it.  The second one I want to come back inside and put it down the toilet and then look at it.  I’m not sure if I can do that one or not.  I also told her that I have to tell myself it’s not real.  Just like the other exposures we do.  They are not real, we are just practicing.  I do want to get back into that again with different scenarios, walking next door, standing outside of the bathroom and such but not yet.  It’s been a nice break.  I told her I think I’ve been doing good in here when I have to go and being able to concentrate – up to a certain point.  But I want to do it while walking, or whatever, too.  She nodded.  So we got up, she got her jacket out of her bottom drawer and put it on and I put my coat on.  We had said right before that we were going to do it outside of the office – the massage therapist was there – and she suggested to do it on the picnic table outside.  She said she can get a cup of water to take with us.  She grabbed one off their cart as we were leaving and so did I.  We went down the hall to the drinking fountain to fill them.  She went first and filled a little more than half way.  It was slow and I mentioned about maybe going into the bathroom to do this but then I did mine a little more than half way, too.  So we started walking towards the steps.  She started laughing and said what if we would throw it over the balcony.  I said then it would be a big splash.  She agreed said and what if it hit someone.  I told her that would be gross and they would think it was real.  She said that would be hard to explain.    We walked down the stairs and outside in back.  I commented how last time we did this it was a gloomy day.  She said it’s better today.  Yes, better than it’s been.  We went right over to the picnic table.  I was holding everything except she was holding one cup.  We put everything down.  First I opened the can.  Then I spread open the bags.  I put half in one and then poured my cup of water in.  I wondered if it would stay open for the crumbled cookies.  She said it would but then to be sure held it open for me.  Then I repeated into the second bag.  She had me do the whole thing myself except for holding the bags open.  I guess for a reason.  Just like last time she said she didn’t want to throw the water.  I did it all.  My thing I guess.  We then each held our bags filled with gross looking stuff.  At first she said we’ll come back and throw the things (cups, can, plastic bag) away after but then she spotted a trashcan so I threw everything away in there.    We then walked up the few steps to the parking lot and she said we need to do this not directly in back where we might be in view of anyone.  I suggested the side of the building and I didn’t want to do it in the snow.  So we walked to the side and the only thing was the store next door.  But I told her it was OK there and the pole was kind of in the way hiding us somewhat.  There was a worker smoking a cigarette facing the other way, I thought he was done but actually he was out there the whole time.  I don’t even think he saw us.    We walked into the wood chips.  I told her it looks gross inside the bags.  She said I should look at it for a bit.  I did.  We moved around the pieces inside.  The pieces of cookie in hers looked like pieces of banana.  She said to look until I get tired of it.  When I didn’t want to look anymore (I wasn’t tired of it – just didn’t want to look anymore) it was time for me to throw it.  I told her hers looks yuckier than mine so she said to throw mine.  It was hard.  I couldn’t do it at first.  I told her I want to do it fast, not slow, but I didn’t want it to get on me.  So when I finally let go I tried to make it come out quickly and we both scooted back before the splash.  It was yucky.  And my bag was, too she commented.  We didn’t stay long.  Just when we were leaving I told her, “Her Name, it really looks like throw up.” She agreed.    On the way back she told me we should go back to the office and for me to hold it and look at it for a while and feel it.  Walking back I asked her if that bothered her.  She said it’s not pleasant but she’s not afraid of it.  I asked her if that’s what it’s really like.  Yes.  I told her I don’t want to jinx it but it’s been so long I don’t know.  I told her we can’t really go back into her office because of the massage therapist so she said we can to upstairs to that bathroom (it’s not used very often) and look at it before we go inside and throw it down the toilet.    She gave me that bag to hold after she had put a knot in it still by the wood chips.  I teased and said, “So I have to hold it?”  Yes.  I carried it up the stairs.  But before that I threw the 1st bag in the trashcan before we went inside.  It was dripping.  I didn’t say but it reminded me of when I had accidents outside when I was wearing shorts and dripping.  Bad memories!    So when we were inside we stood outside of the upstairs bathroom for me to look at it.  I couldn’t look very long.  I said that the cookies no longer look like pieces of banana.  Then I told her no more.  I think she wanted me to look longer but I couldn’t .  So we went in.  She didn’t push it.  I couldn’t throw it down the toilet so right away I told her I couldn’t and handed her the bag.  Again, she didn’t push me to do it – she’s not like that.  That was good.    We went into the bigger of the 2 stalls, her first.  She dumped it in.  I had my back half way turned but glanced.  It was gross.  She flushed the toilet pretty much right away.  Again, it was gross.  I don’t know what happened to the bag.  I guess she threw it out.  We walked out.  I asked her if that’s what it looks like in the toilet.  Yes.  Then she asked me, “Don’t you look?”  No.  I also asked her if that’s what it sounds like.  Yes.    So we went back into her office.  It was really gross – I know I’ve said that a million times.  But, I knew it was vegetable soup and cookies.  She said maybe now I won’t be as afraid and will be able to stay.  No, I don’t think so.  I think I’ll still run.  Or if I can’t I will turn away.  She asked me if it’s ever happened with my kids.  I said only one time I was alone because my husband was out running.  My middle son did in bed.  I took him to the bathroom, had to take his pajamas off and I just had him stand in the bathtub until my husband got home.  He’s been there to clean it up all the other times.    She said everyone has an aversion to it.  No one likes it, it’s toxic.  She said to put paper towels on it and don’t look.  Then try to get it up.  She said about helping the person.  I asked her if that’s how she does it like with her boys.  I think she said yes.  We talked about the smell.  She said that we can’t work with that here (no) and that certain smells would trigger it with me.  Yes.  I said some people throw up or want to when they smell or see it.  I asked if that’s happened to her.  No.   She handed me the tappers at some point and she said to think how God is proud of me.  Yes, and I said I am, too I told her.  She said I worked really hard on this.  We worked on that a little.  It might have been during this whole paragraph above conversation.  I said how I know it wasn’t real but the pictures I brought in are.  She said she still has those pictures, do I want to look at them.  OK.  She said every once in a while she’ll open up my folder and there they are – yuck.  Are they in the front?  She opened up my folder and they were in the front but she said how she turned them over.  “See …” I commented like how gross it is.    She asked me how many I want to look at.  I asked how many there are and guessed about 5.  She counted them and looked and said she never really looked that close at them and they are not pleasant to look at.  I said I remember her saying that she would not like to walk in on someone like that.  No.  I reminded her how difficult it was for me to print them out.  I only remember this heavy guy with it all over him and in the toilet.  She decided to do the toilet one because it seemed to be the easiest.    Some time during this I needed to go to the bathroom.  I told her quietly but I’m not sure if she knew or not.  Not wanting to make an issue of it we just kept on talking.  But soon it must have showed some and she said we can look at the pictures after I got back.  We still talked a couple minutes after that but then I said more urgently, “I need to go to the bathroom,” and went.  Not real long again – I’m guessing 4-5 minutes.  Well … I’ll get it up higher again.  After I came back I looked at the one picture.  I could only look once and I had to look away.  It was too gross.  I couldn’t look at it.  So she covered up most of it with the other papers and only showed me a little portion on the seat.  I looked.  It was farther away, like the videos I compared it to.  Then I looked a little closer.  OK – enough.  She said about this and about looking at it earlier in the bags to look until I get tired of looking at it like it doesn’t bother me anymore.  I don’t think that ever happened today.  Maybe this little piece on the toilet but not anything else.  She asked me if I wanted to look at more.  I told her we can look at a video – Balloon Boy.  Balloon Boy?  Yes.  I told her he threw up on TV and I got it off YouTube.  So I got out my IPod.  She came over to me and stood.  She said she could see it OK.  But there was an NBC strip on the bottom and you couldn’t see very well.  I backed it up a bit but still not too much you could see.  I commented you can hear it, she said you can see his Mom cleaning him up, and I said you can see him spitting.  But that’s all for the videos.    I told her I can still see the 2 images that really bothered me.  The one outside and the one on the paper we looked at.  She said she wants me to leave this behind.  Leave it here.  To think of something I’m doing this weekend.  I didn’t know of anything.  Just Monday we’re planning on going to a little city maybe to the one with the cool restaurant if I feel OK to.  She wondered about that.  I said yes, I can feel bad because of it.   She said even not to take it into the massage therapist.  I told her I plan on talking to her about Haiti because she was just in the Dominican Republic and we’ll have something to talk about.    So to try to get me to not think about those images she did the fingers back and forth thing.  First she went back and forth and told me to think of the 2 images.  Then she said to try to visualize them not there.  I said some animal or bird came to take it away.  That was good.  She had said after we got back some animal will get it tonight.  Yes.  And I hoped no one thought it was someone from the restaurant next door.    It was helpful to do that and it was nice that she took the time to do it when time was just about up.  I left, telling her to have a good weekend.  I went into my massage therapist and boy did she talk again.   But I stayed and didn’t have to go to the bathroom.  I thought about it but told myself I didn’t have to go and only thinking about it would make me have to.  Don’t think about it!  I tried not to and I didn’t.  That was super!  So after I left and instead of just walking to my car I walked back outside in back.  I wanted one more exposure to what really looked like throw up in the wood chips.  I know we had just worked with getting rid of that image but I was ready for it.  So I walked over there, looked for just a few seconds and walked back around to my car.  It was OK – I’m not freaking out about it.  But again – it was vegetable soup & cookies!  She did try to reassure me, especially at the end, that I was going to be OK and nothing bad was going to happen because we did this.  But once she said about no one knows what will happen tomorrow.  My reply to that:  “Don’t say that!”  She knows what I mean.  I am still a bit afraid and worried the meat that I had tonight was not cooked well enough.  I hope and pray it (or anything else) doesn’t make me sick - ever!   Thank you God!    I can’t say enough how lucky I am to have a therapist who does these things with me.  All these exposures we do.  The bathroom and accidents ones and these throw up ones.  Thank goodness it doesn’t bother her.  But they are not her fears and problems – they are mine.  They are illuminated (maybe not the right word) so much in my mind but that doesn’t mean it’s the same in hers or anyone else’s.  My goal is to be like that.  Like no big deal to me like others.  It’s funny, though,  she asked me today if I lay awake at night thinking of these things to do.  Thank goodness she has a sense of humor about it, too!  And she is so good with me through them.  She never makes me feel bad about anything and is very calm.  She even puts closure, and tries to make me feel better about things when needed, before I leave.  A couple times she even wrote me little letters and phone calls after I left to help me get though things.  She is awesome in that way!