We Got Rid Of All My Trip Accidents In The Dumpster

I came in and she commented on my pre-session with that guy in the waiting room.  Yes, it is.  I handed her my bag with my extra clothes and she asked me if she should leave it out or put them away in her drawer.  Definitely put them away.  She commented that I didn’t want to do anything with them today and that’s OK.  No, I don’t!  She knows I don’t want to for a while.  She asked me how I was I guess because of my phone call Monday night but she didn’t say.  I said I was OK.  See … I called Monday night and left her a message because I was so frustrated with my problem.  So I lead right into something way far away from the subject.    I told her how I finally met my son’s girlfriend and she is very outspoken.  He’s so easy going.  I don’t know to say something or not but I do want to.  She said sometimes people with no (?) personalities are drawn towards people like that.  I said maybe like their mothers.  I’m outgoing but not controlling.  She said I have some strong opinions.  I said yes but I’m very open to others opinions and don’t make them feel bad for them.  I need to give her a chance but I will probably say something to him.  I went on that I’m talking about this because it bothers me.  I told her about how he wanted to go to the bathroom before they left and she said like nothing, for him to go first.  They probably had to go since the game (the bathrooms at that high school are far away into the building) and at my house.  She said she knows how I want to be like that.  Yes.  And she said only I would notice that.  Yes.   Then I said about my daughter’s boyfriend getting a second job and they may need to re-arrange times to come see her.  And it will put more on to my daughter who has a lot going on anyway.  She asked if she’ll ask me to help out more.  Probably but I don’t want to get into babysitting all the time – I have a life, too.  I just feel for my daughter.  She said it’s so hard for blended families.  Yes.    I mentioned that my granddaughter is almost done with chemo for a while.  That will be very nice and for her not having to go to the hospital all the time – every other week.  She asked me how I learn from her.  I said about her attitude and how she’s not ashamed.  Right!  But she’s not ashamed because everyone around her makes her feel that way.  I have people around me that make me feel ashamed.  She said kids will make fun of her and asked me how I think she’ll handle it.  “Oh, it’s just my robot leg,” she’ll say like nothing.  She asked me to ask her sometime if anyone makes fun of her and how she handles it.  I wanted to say, ‘she just only turned 5’ but I didn’t say.  Then I called my son so far away.  He didn’t answer the first time so I called back a few minutes later and he did.  When I hung up I said he’s not going to want to come back here for the study.  Maybe I’ll have to call the coordinator up to try to edge him along.    She wanted to change my Monday time.  She has a meeting that starts exactly at 1:30 in mid county city and she can’t be late.  In fact she likes to arrive 5-10 minutes early.  It sounds like it ends at 4:00 but she already has someone at 4:15.  She wants me to come at noon.  It’s hard with my work so she said 12:15.  I told her I’ll try to be there at noon.  This is my crunch time and there are periods of time that are more intense than others.    Then I asked her when her reconstruction surgery is.  Wed Dec 2nd.  I asked her what type she’s having.  She said she’s having the silicone implants.  It’s a 2 week recovery time vs the other where they have to take skin graphs which is a 6 weeks recovery.  Her surgeon wants her to do the longer one but she said they don’t always know what’s best for yourself.  She said she will be back then the next, next Monday not quite 2 weeks later.  I asked her about the nipple and she said that’s another surgery, her doctor wants her to do that too but she may not.   I mentioned about the saline injections (I think she got 5 or 6 of them) she got after her surgery.  She said that was to expand the skin to prepare for this reconstruction surgery.  Especially because it would become too tight with the radiation she got as well.  I asked her if she has a prosthesis and she said no.  It’s all just the saline and she pointed to her right breast.  I commented that my best friend didn’t want reconstruction.  She said things are different now and things were probably not available to her back then.  She even had her last Hercepton treatment last Friday.  Yeah!  I commented that she’s been through the whole gambit.  Yes she has!  Then I told her I don’t have anything else to talk about.  What does that mean, she wanted to know because I kind of smiled with my statement.  So I told her I guess we need to do what I brought last week and pulled out a paper from my purse.  She asked me if I wanted the tappers.  Sure.  I told her I don’t want to give details about my accidents on the trip.  It’s just incidents.  I’m not sure why because I’ve told her details before.  I just want them out so I stop thinking about them.  She told me to just do it like matter-of-factly (not exactly those words).  I think she was trying to encourage me to talk a little more about them but it didn’t work.  I told her that it’s good to get them out but what I do is I can’t remember them at all because I don’t want to and then it’s not helpful to me because when I need things again, or another trip, it’s like starting all over again.  She said not to block it out that I can’t remember.  To use the info that I’ve learned when I need it again.  I said how the exposures and practices are good because then I can remember when things happen.  She said that’s right.  But the bad things I don’t want to remember.  No, that’s not right she told me.  She said she wishes she didn’t have chemo and cancer but she’s not blocking that out.  I asked her even the bad things?  No, not even the bad things.  She uses it to see how much she’s learned from it and so she can be and has become a better person from it.  I can try to do that.  It’s hard, though.  She said it’s not good to block it out.  She talked to a teenager yesterday who did that and then did some bad things because of it.    She knows how badly I want this to go away and for me not to have this problem.  But she told me I do have it right now and nothing will change that unless I find some new medicine that works or some procedure.  I felt so sad.  I wanted to cry.  I want it gone.  But I just listened.  She said again about focusing on what I’ve learned from everything, keep informed about new things and all the info I can get, keep working on expanding my bladder, using products when I need to, bring my extra clothes or different types of clothing and such.  I told her that sometimes I just want to give up.  She wanted to know what I meant about that.  That I just don’t want to do anything.  I think she was testing me because she told me I can do that if I want to.  I told her I could but that wouldn’t be very healthy.  No.    So I read to her from my little paper.  I asked her if after if I can rip it up and we go outside and throw it away in the dumpster after.  Yes.  It was hard and after she said she knew it was.  I read:  One time was walking into a store getting there.  But it was OK because I had my clothes with me.  She asked me who was with me.  My husband and son but they didn’t know.  Then I said how I’m already starting to not remember because it’s been a while and I want it out.  There was another time, and I don’t remember where, going somewhere.  Two times in the car or just getting out of the car but one time my son was sleeping or half out of it.  The other time I don’t remember if he was there or not.  Then the two times at that place.   There were several times in the middle of no where that I had to sneak off.  I was not alone hardly at all on this trip but I could sneak away for that.  Those big boulders are big.   Not many trees but big boulders!  And once in the back of the bathrooms building because either the door was locked or it was really gross inside – I can’t remember.  She said that was OK, I did what I needed to do.  Then there were numerous times when I did a little but I just had to deal with it.  I didn’t want to have to change so I just dealt with it.    Then I talked about night time.  The first night I didn’t.  The second, I had Big Bertha, I did.  The third I had Big Bertha and I did.  Then I said that maybe there’s a psychological thing with that because I did because I knew it was there and I don’t want that to happen.  She said that I probably didn’t sleep very well the first night (when I didn’t) and kept getting up to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I got up to go.  I’m sure I did.  Then the 4th night I did but I had my own bed.  We walked in and there were 2 beds.  I could have my own and I was so happy!  But I was exhausted that night.  So that was it.  She didn’t ask me to tell more thank goodness.  We were about ready to go outside and she suggested I go to the bathroom to be comfortable before we go.  She glanced at the clock just before because she probably knew I’d have to go soon.  I’m sure she was right.  And I think she didn’t want me to have any problems out there – no accidents.  She’s right on that one, too.  But none of this was discussed.  I just went, came back and then we left.  In thinking about it I would have probably gotten outside and would have had to go just from the memories of all the exposures we did out there or just the stress of trying to get rid of my trip accidents.    We were walking down the steps and she asked me if we should go out the front or the back.  I pointed to where I thought it was.  She said the back.  I think, she didn’t say, but she said that so we wouldn’t run into anyone we know like we sometimes do.  We were still on the steps I told her I feel like I should have to go to the bathroom.  I’m not sure if she heard because she asked if we should lick the dumpster while we’re out there like Dr. Oz did.  She said she would do it.  I wouldn’t.  So we went out and we were on the back parking lot and I again commented that I feel like I should have to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t say but it was really nice not having to.  We got closer to the dumpster and she asked me if I wanted to rip it up.  Yes, I did.  Into lots of little pieces.  I crinkled them up and she lifted the lid and I tossed them in.  I commented that it looked pretty clean in there.  Going back she said it would eventually end up out there.  I said that I didn’t want the cleaning people to see the little pieces and then want to put them together like a puzzle.  She asked me if I thought they’d do that.  No, but just in case.  She said they probably want to get out of there fast.  I commented on her birthday next week and asked her if she’s doing anything special.  She’s waiting for her son to get back from college but it won’t be until Thanksgiving so I guess they’ll do things then.  Maybe she has other things planned.  I asked her about her other son because I thought he was coming back in December.  She said no, she doesn’t know when because he wants to do more traveling.  I told her I can’t say I blame him.   By now we were back into her office.  She asked me how that felt.  Great.  But, I still have my problem.  Again, it’s how to deal with it.  She said once about things will happen.  I know they will (I know she’s talking about accidents).  I told her I wanted to scream.  She looked around like maybe but thought I shouldn’t scream there.  No, people will wonder what’s wrong.  Then I thought about her bat.  “Do you still have your bat?”  Yes and she was thrilled to get it.  She said pillows are good.  So I put 2 pillows on the floor and hit them.  She stood with me and that was good.    I batted at them several times.  She asked me where I felt it.  My arms.  She flung her arms.  I said like a 2 year old having a tantrum.  I also said my legs so I jumped up and down a little.  She did, too.  It’s so nice she does these things with me so I don’t feel so singled out.  She said little kids don’t care where they have tantrums or what they look like.  I said how my granddaughter gets so mad sometimes we think she’s the Exorcist and soon her head will spin around.   She said I can make some noise with it.  I didn’t want to be loud.  I said I could cuss but I didn’t want to do that.  So I asked her if I can just say, “Go Away!”  Yes, so I did.  I batted at the pillows several times saying, “Go Away!”  again and again.  When I was done we just stood there and talked a while.  She thanked me for sharing that list with her.  She compared me to others.  She said everybody has their thing.  I know.  She said about the people she’s talked to this week that need a heart transplant, have a brain tumor and such.  She said this to make me realize.  I think I handed her the bat and then we sat down.  She said a big goal in my therapy is to work on my inner self.  How I talk about wanting to feel on the inside like I am on the outside.  I’m good on the outside.  No one knows.  Only her and I do know how I feel.    She asked me if I have anything planned for this weekend.  No, like last weekend.  But last Sunday we went from one thing to another and I like that.  My friends daughter-in-law had her baby last week and I was going to go to something but didn’t.  She didn’t ask why.  I like it better when I have lots of things to do.  She commented, and so did I, how it’s not like it was in the past with so much going on with family and friends.  She said I’m a people person.  And, I know I’ll have a hard time in the winter like January and February.  I said how I think a lot of people do.  She said yes.  I know I will.  I just can’t into things I used to like and they aren’t fun anymore.  Then I keep thinking about my problem.  She offered some suggestion when I feel this way (she didn’t say but like Monday night when I called and left her that message) but I can’t remember exactly what.  Maybe to try to focus on something else to distract me.    When I was leaving I said, “Yes, no bags!”  She smiled.  I went into my massage therapist but she had someone so I waited in the waiting room for just a couple minutes until she came out and got me.  I told her the story about me calling about the Yoga classes.  She thought it was funny and said how sweet I am.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  Sure.  And she asked me if I wanted to go to the beading class with her and her exchange students tonight.  I really did but I’d be scared – I couldn’t tell her that.  I didn’t say but I had too much work stuff to do tonight but I did write down the directions.  She would be a good person to get to know better and do things out of the office.  My therapist said it’s different with her and it’d be OK.  But she knows nothing about my problem.  But, I really shouldn’t let that stop me.  I shouldn’t.   But I do.  Maybe one day I won’t.  That would be nice.