We Finally Did The Time Line Exercise

I came in and I told her I want to do the Time Line thing today.  But I have a few things I want to talk about first but quickly.  First though, I didn’t want to forget, gave her some candy and a Border’s 20.00 gift card.  She thanked me, put it down and didn’t look at the amount.  Then I first started in about going to my first physical therapy today.  Yes, she asked how that went.  I said how I did what I said I would do to go to the bathroom after the evaluation before they started anything and I was fine.  But when I was laying for that electro stimulus thing for 12 minutes I felt not exactly closterphopic but knew I couldn’t get up.  Wanting not to fall asleep or have to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t like that.  Then I told her I got this letter on Friday from my doctor’s office saying I don’t have any blood clots in my legs but I could do a Doppler test of measuring my blood flow.  I thought I did that.  So after I got home from physical therapy I called my doctor’s office and yes, I’ll go back to the hospital to do that tomorrow.  Just when I thought I was OK and now again.    Then I continued on about the physical therapy how I had to fill out an online survey after.  And I had to do 2 - for my leg and then my back/neck.  Both had questions about your health and one was incontinence.  I told her I couldn’t check that box.  I don’t have that!  She commented how I don’t like that word.  No.  She said until I get a diagnosis from the doctor we don’t know if it’s that or exactly what I have what it’s called.  But that yes, I do have control.  And went on to say that it’s a volume issue and I can’t wait very long.  I said on one (maybe I didn’t see it on the other) there was a box for bladder or kidney and I did check that.  I think she thought that was fine.  And it was OK that I didn’t check that other one.  I just couldn’t.  And when I saw it, it was at the end and I couldn’t believe it was on there.  I wanted to get home and I didn’t until about 10:30 and my appointment was at 8 AM.  They want me to come 2-3 times per week.  2 is plenty.   Then I talked about the big family party on Friday night.  How my girl cousin wasn’t there but I talked to her husband and he is so nice – so easy to talk to.  I told him how I have the same fear of throwing up like his daughter.  He said I should tell her.  But it seems hers isn’t as bad as mine, she doesn’t like it, but not like I am about it.  And, she’s on medicine.  Then I imagined if I was telling him, or someone else, about my other problem how that would be.  No, I decided, I couldn’t do that.    Then I said how the friends party Saturday night I spent a lot of time holding a little 1 month old baby.  It’s been a while but it comes naturally and I just loved it.  My grandson even got to hold him and he’s so nurturing for a 7 year old.  He even said his new little Webkin I got him was a newborn and took care of him.  If only we can keep him away from his Dad.  I wanted to talk about my friend but I said – another time.  She knew I wanted to get through to do the time line thing.  Then I gave her an update of what happened Saturday.  She seemed interested.  Saturday she had an appointment with my kids and they were really fighting and my daughter wanted me in there while she talked to her.  I forgot to ask her if she found the little Lego piece.  I had come back and left her a note if she finds a Lego car to save it for me for Monday (it really was a little man).  I guess she didn’t because she didn’t give me anything.  But anyway, the first thing I did was thank her for the couple nice things she said about me to my daughter.  I told her that was very nice.  She only nodded.  I didn’t say today what they were but once she told my daughter how nice it is that she has a mother who cares so much.  And, another time she told my daughter to listen to the wisdom of a Mom – me – for the advise I was giving.    I told her we left with my grandson and I took her home but her boyfriend had her car.  So we were leaving and they must not have been there that much longer (maybe he was mad) because then they pulled up.  My daughter later said my granddaughter was crying because she wanted to go to the party so badly.  I said how she did and it was like punishing her when she didn’t do anything.  So I thought we better hang around a little in the car outside just in case my daughter needed me.  And I thought he’s not like my daughter’s ex who is absolutely and would do some really mean things.  So we went home and then she did.  And the three of them (she knew their dog, too) spent the night.  My grandson was very happy – he’s very comfortable at our house.  I asked her if they have another appointment.  She said no and she’ll just wait and see if anyone calls her.    The party was a great diversion and my daughter really needed the space.  I talked to her off and on and the bottom line is she doesn’t want to break the lease and maybe thinks she can’t go out on her own with her son (financially).  Plus her boyfriend and herself help each other out with the kids.  So they are trying to work things out.  My therapist said she can’t talk about them (I know that) but that as a Mom and Grandma I need to help my daughter break through for herself and see that her son is the utmost number one.  What he experiences in life you can never take back.  Right.  I also told her I need to apologize to the other massage therapist who had to come out and tell them to be quiet.  She said she was upset about that.  But it was the big kids – not the little ones.   I then said about tonight is the party at my son’s girlfriend’s parents house.  And it’s been a while since we’ve seen them but they do remember us.  It’s going to be strange.  I asked her if her boys have girlfriends (not really) that she’s gone over to their parents house.  No.  I said how I did once to my daughter’s ex’s parents but that was for Easter and the ex couldn’t be there.  She said how my son’s girlfriend and her family must like my son (a nice of the kind boy) to do this.  And that he’s the only one of my kids following the traditional path.  Yes.  And she said that even her parents are still married which doesn’t always happen these days.    OK … I was ready to do the time line and she commented we did this once a while back.  Yes.  She asked me what I remember in the hospital at age 2 ½.  I said that big chalkboard.  How did that make me feel?  I think I said like something’s wrong with me.  Where do I feel it in my body?  In my middle of my body.  She told me to get comfortable and maybe it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom first.  I told her I’ll be OK – I just went.  She said it’s OK to go at any time during this.  When I need to just tell her I need to take a break.  “Just say, ‘We need to take a break’ and we will.”  And not to do any trying to wait – it’s not a good time to do that.  “Don’t try to wait?” I repeated back asking again.  No.  She began to tell me about getting into my child and the past but I quickly interrupted her and asked if I can take my boots off?  Yes.  I said I didn’t want to lay on the couch (she has told me some people lay down) but I sat against a pillow in the corner of the couch.  She talked some more and quickly I got up and grabbed the Life Savers pillow on a chair across from me to hold on to.  I sat with my legs up crossed folded sideways on the couch.  She told me to get into my adult child and be the same nurturing self as I am to my grandkids and kids (like I am as a Grandma/Mom) which I am so good at.  But do it to my child self back in time.  She told me to close my eyes and she’ll take me through year by year up until now.  First every year and then she’ll skip some.  And to nod my head when I’m done picturing things at each age.  So I closed my eyes and we began.  After we went up to the present year she said we are going to take that child home to a safe place.  She was describing things and I needed to go to the bathroom.  I looked up.  She was looking forward and talking the first couple times and not directly looking at me.  So I closed my eyes a second each time.  Then I opened and looked at her again.  This time she caught my eyes and stopped talking.  “I need to go to the bathroom,” I told her.  “OK, it’s a good time to go.”  That was good but I think any time would have been good if I needed to.  I got up and went.    The door was locked.  So I came right back in, “Somebody’s in there.”  “Go down the hall,” she quickly told me.  I repeated it and went.  I came back and quickly sat back down on the couch.  She asked me, “Did you do OK?”  I nodded I did.  Truthfully – my pants were a little wet but I didn’t want to say.  I think it’s that locked door and a psychological thing because I didn’t have to go for that long.  I had black pants on, I hoped it didn’t show and she didn’t need to know that.  So we continued on.  We went through the safe place area and letting go.  It’s over now and I’m not there anymore and how this adult child was there for her.  It’s not my fault.  Taking her to a safe place and what she wants to look at and do in the house.  And show her to my family, including animals, now.  Then we went through it again beginning at age 2 ½ and going through now.  Then I started having trouble with it.  It just brought back too many bad memories of my childhood and my Mom.  I was trying not to cry.  Soon she asked me, “My Name, what’s going on with you?  You look like you’re having trouble with this.”  I opened my eyes and told her it was OK but I told her I didn’t want to talk about it when she asked me what was wrong.  Lots of hard stuff back there?  Yes.  So we tried to continue on.  I remember getting to the end of the second time around to the present but I was fighting tears.  And I wanted to go to the bathroom.  I opened my eyes and told her, “I want to go to the bathroom.”  “You want to go again?” she asked.  Yes and I did.  I knocked the pillow down on the floor when I got up.  I went and came back picking up that pillow before I sat back down on the couch.  I didn’t say but I could feel myself getting upset and I didn’t want to have an accident so I thought I better go.  Plus when I do this I feel like I have to go but not necessarily have to.  I just feels like it and I didn’t want any problems.  So we tried again but it happened off and on where I was about in tears (well, tears were in my eyes a little).  She said she wants to do it one more time through but I may not be ready to.  I told her I would, it’s OK.  So we started again.  It was hard.  Maybe we only got to my teenage years again and I said opened up my eyes again and said, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  And we didn’t.  She saw how upset I was and came out and told me that I need to get out of this before I leave.  I can’t leave like this.  She tried to get me to talk and say what’s wrong but I didn’t do very well.  She really encouraged me, staring at me right in the eyes, trying to get me to reveal something and being genuinely kind and concerned.  Once she even pursued it an extra time which she normally doesn’t do.  I think I only managed to say how I missed out or couldn’t do things, or something, because of my Mom.  But that she tried her best.  We laughed a little by when she said like, so what (not those words) in trying to get me out of this.  I told her I tell my little kids, “Oh, banana peels!”  She thought that was great and started saying that to me.    When she tried to get me out of it and to talk to told me about being in a safe place and the nurturing part of the child.  She said how it’s all over now and I wanted to say – no it’s not – I still have problems because of it!  She really tried to get me to say things but I just couldn’t.  She did get me to say that I wanted to tell that little girl in me that someone’s there for me.  That practically sent me loosing it but I didn’t.  I think she knows how I really didn’t have anyone for me.  She commented on me being all alone.  But she told me I couldn’t help it.  I was just a little girl.  She said like my granddaughter can’t help it and she can’t help the way her Dad is.    I didn’t want to talk because I would really start crying.  I told her that.  She said maybe that would be a good thing.  How I hardly cry in there and that would be good – to release it and get it out to work past it all.  But she was conscious of the time like I was that it was about time to end.  I didn’t want to start anything and be really upset and not be able to stop just when we were going to end.  I didn’t say but I felt kind of frozen.  Like I didn’t want to make a move or think about all this because then I’d start crying or going to the bathroom.  And, that’s how my body was – pretty frozen.  Sort of my mind, too. And, like when I'm dealing with something about my other problem, I get quiet.  She told me she gave me a good workout today.  First the workout with the physical therapy and then this.  Yes, I agreed.  She said we don’t have to do this next time if I don’t want to.  Then we went over times because things are different with the holidays this next 2 weeks and it’s confusing.  She gave me the times on an index card while I reached for a kleenex to blow my nose a little.  I didn’t come out and really cry but some tears and a sniffly nose a little.  I told her I tried to make the physical therapy times the opposite days I come here.  She said I’ll need to coordinate these with my massage therapist, too.  Right.  She said after these 2 weeks we are back on to the regular schedule.    So I left and went into my massage therapist.  We tried to coordinate times and maybe Wednesday I’ll have to see the other one.  She called her but she didn’t call back while I was there.  I also gave her a 10.00 Borders gift card with the same candy and we talked a little about the candy.  She thanked me when I gave it to her and before I left.  During the massage she talked a lot about figuring out problems before they occur so you don’t need the tests and maybe so they don’t even occur at all.  I told her I need another test and I don’t want an MRI.  But sometimes these tests find things like tumors that you normally can’t find.  She said I was especially tight today.  Maybe because of the physical therapy today.  I told her, “It also depends on what goes on in there,” and I motioned back to my therapist’s office.  She agreed.  When I left I said I’ll pay later because we don’t know about Wednesday.  We gave each other a hug and a “Merry Christmas.”  She is very nice, too.