We Experimented With My New Clothes And Little Bertha Twice

She called me in from her waiting room and didn’t see my clothes I was wearing until I got inside.  She was so happy I got them, I made her day, she has to look at me.  I wore one of my own ‘longer’ sleeveless tops, black leggings and a short jeans skirt.  She said they look really cute.  She said she never thought she’d see this day!  I told her I need to go to the bathroom and she asked me what my plan is.  I told her I already put little bertha on but I wanted to do this sitting.  She said to put something down.  I got a plastic bag out of my bigger bag and put it on the couch.  I didn’t stay standing too long, moving around quite a bit and crossing my legs here and there, because I really needed to go.  We just talked a little.
I started going to the bathroom and just sat down telling her first I couldn’t hold it any longer.  She then sat down, too.  She was standing when I was standing.  I looked down and saw my black leggings getting wet and told her I already knew what was happening.  I wanted to see if the back of my skirt was wet but already knew the answer to that.  She asked me if I wanted to stand up for her to look.  I did.  I don’t think she saw it right away.  I don’t think I turned around enough – not being crazy about letting her see.  But then she did.  The bottom, middle back portion was wet.  Then while I was still standing I looked down in front and there were, I think 2, wet spots on the front of the skirt.  She thinks because I was sitting and that wouldn’t happen standing. 
At the beginning when I told her things were wet she scooted over the trashcan to me to use to do whatever I needed to do.  But I didn’t need to.  I just put things away in my own bags when I changed.  I didn’t say but it was nice of her to offer her trash can to me but I wouldn’t want any of my pee smelling up her office.  I would want it out of there – even if it was just the plastic bag.  I don’t even throw things away in her bathroom trash.  I wait until I get home or use either the downstairs or upstairs bathroom trash if I need to.  Not hers.  And, I wouldn’t want her to see anything!  Ok – enough said. 
She said she’d turn around while I changed.  I did.  I was pretty quiet and only towards the end asked her if I should put another little bertha on for the next time.  She first said it was up to me but then changed it to yes to try to get used to.  I don’t know if I can ever get used to it.  She knows.  She turned back around and I was just finishing by moving the bags around (there were many) and putting my New Balance tennis shoes on (with little white peds like socks) instead of my white flip flops.
She turned back around and saw my top that she said was so cute and so perfect for the state I’m going to.  I then told her what I wanted to do next time and explained to her about the clothes.  I had already told her I was wearing or brought everything today for a reason.  I had on another pair of black leggings.  She asked me where I got the leggings.  I told her I had them.  She was surprised.  She asked me if I had the skirt.  No.  The new shirt I told her I had to keep the plastic tag holders on in case I return them.  But I forgot that I wanted to see something with my own shirt I came in wearing.  I just stood up and slipped it on.  We saw that, even though it was longer, it wasn’t long enough to cover like the new one I had.   We also talked about the tennis shoes I changed into because we’ll be doing a lot of walking and such.  I thought they looked funny.  No, not really.  And the white hoodie I tried on because it’ll be cold there.  She said that looks fine with it and I can also use it tie around my waist and cover if I needed to.  While I was standing I told her I felt like Punky Brewster with clothing concoctions.  My daughter went through a stage like that when she was little. 
After I sat down I also showed her the 2 big berthas I brought – 2 different brands.  She asked me if there was a difference.  Yes.  I showed her the top of one how big it was.  She commented how they are really ‘big girl panties’.  I said how I’d have to turn them down a lot.  I wasn’t sure if one was more absorbent (thicker) than the other or not.  She asked me when I would be using those.  I didn’t know.  She said night maybe?  Maybe.  I asked her if I can keep them there so I don’t have to keep bringing them back.  She asked me if I plan on experimenting with them.  Probably.  I gave them to her and she just looked at them very briefly.  She opened up her drawer but asked me if I have another bag.  She spotted my bag in there with my extra clothes and said she could put them in there.  I told her I have another bag if she wants.  No, she just put them in that bag in the drawer. 
She had asked me just before that how that worked.  I said it didn’t.  She asked me if it helped.  Yes, it helped but didn’t work because my skirt and leggings still got wet.  Next time we’ll try with this long shirt and the other pair of black leggings I was wearing.  Later she asked me how I’m doing on waiting longer.  Good – I’m trying really hard because I have to.  How do I know?  I’m going more in amount.  She thought that was great.  Yes but the only downside is when I have an accident it’s more.  She nodded.  She asked me if I’m drinking more water.  Yes.  And if I’m waiting longer.  Yes.  That thought that was great as well.  Yes, and I went on to tell her sometimes I have more accidents when I try this.  She asked if it’s at home.  Yes.  But she thought it was great anyway that I’m doing this. 
I told her I went into that store.  It really made me sad with all the stuff in it.  I told her I couldn’t imagine why she went in there.  I only saw that mastectomy stuff but she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore.  She didn’t comment.  I told her 7 people asked me if they could help me.  I didn’t want any help.  I just wanted to look myself and politely told them.  She said they are big on service there. 
And then I needed to go to the bathroom.  I wanted to find it myself and not ask anyone because in case I needed assistance I didn’t want them to say or think, “See” like they know why I was in there or call attention to it.  I couldn’t find it and had to ask.  I went there and the door was locked.  It made me realize how these things can happens out of no where.  Just going to a store.  I started to get that panicky feeling.  She said yes, with one bathroom.  I told her there was a men’s next to it and I almost went in there.  I’ve done that before.  But then she came out and said, “There you go”.  She must have heard me jiggle the knob.  She said I’m right – there are going to be instances like this because that’s what happens.
I also told her what I found.  All the underwear and big and bulky and go up really high.  There was one that was padded in the crouch area and you just have to keep washing them.  I said how my son doesn’t have a washer.  She said that would be something good to have if you are home.  Then there were these plastic pull on pants like a baby.  No!  Then underwear that you can put inserts in.  She perked up like maybe they would work for me.  I told her they are just like the pads I use.  She wondered if they had extra special protection.  No.  And they are so big and bulky.  No! 
She told me to congratulate myself for having the courage to go look and sticking with it.  Then I told her how when I left the store I felt really bad and started crying on my way home.  Took me a while to stop crying and calm down.  I tried to think of other things.  She thought it was good I cried and face the reality and feel the feelings to move forward and face that true reality to get stronger and more determined to conquer it.  Even though there was nothing I could use.  I told her because of all the old people stuff in there and maybe also the reality of it that I had to go in there for me.  She nodded like she understood.  I told her figuring out all of this is hard.  There are so many things.  She said it’s a physical condition I’m dealing with that impacts my life so much and is not easily fixed.  No, sadly.  No quick fix – reality I have to figure this out myself.  She said nothing is perfect or takes it away.
I can’t remember if I talked about my daughter or my son first.  Maybe my daughter.  I told her about her bile duct being dilated  8 cm (normal is 4 cm) and now 12 cm.  Her doctor doesn’t seem to want to do that procedure and she wants it.  She’s like my Mom and the opposite of me.  So I told her to get a second opinion, maybe he doesn’t feel skilled enough and gave her the name of the doctor I used when I had C-Diff.  My doctor wouldn’t prescribe any more anti-biotics until I saw someone, could see her in a week, told them what was going on (I could have had to go back to the hospital) and she had an opening and saw me that day.  Anyway, my daughter called (after persuasion) and got an appointment next Monday with another doctor in that office. 
She said it’s good I told her that.  She asked me if I’m worried about her.  Yes because she may get pancreatitis, have to stay in the hospital a long time or could die.  They could perforate something.  What about the kids?  I was reading on my site that I have my blog (I have it in 2 places) that some people have to have this repeated many times.  Sometimes just once.  I also briefly told her about my grandson saying last night that his tummy was upset.  He went to lay down.  I checked on him, he said it again but then later not.  I didn’t make a big deal about it – just said it didn’t last long.  It did scare me.  He did drink a can of diet root beer – maybe it was that.
I showed her what was in my mailbox last Thursday after coming back from seeing her.  I gave her the envelope and told her to be careful it still has the money in it.  She took it and started to open it.  I told her to take notice that he used our address as a return address too and that was very smart.  You don’t want that going back and forth around with money in it.  She opened it, read the front and read inside.  She didn’t even look at the money.  Private I’m guessing but it would have been OK.  She knows he said he’d send 200.00 (there were 2 hundred dollar bills inside).  She said that was very sweet what he said and that I’ll probably keep that card forever.  Yes.  I said how he kept his word with the money.  Yes.  It was a Mother’s Day card and inside he wrote that he’s looking forward to seeing me and that he loves me very much, hugs & kisses (XOXO).
Then I showed her pictures of the little blue cottage house.  She said it’s very, very cute.  Inside and outside pictures.  I told her he set up an email account, gave me the password and I went in to send him the pictures to his phone because he was having trouble viewing them at the library.  I also showed her pictures of the Craigslist listing.  I told her I copied the lease to have it incase he needs it and I also copied something from the town about dispenseraries.  We’re not sure if that applies to him.  Probably not.  She commented about the 715.00 rent.  Right. 
Then I showed her again a map of the state.  This time the AAA one.  She came to sit next to me again like last time.  I showed her again the town that he’s going to be living in (she forgot the name – I told her again) and showed her where we have to return the truck.  I’d say a good hour away.  Then he wants to go to that volcano park.  Just before I showed her the map I read to her the newspaper article about the snow, hail and winds shutting down that highway for a while just last Friday.  She said hopefully it will be fine when we get there. 
After looking at the map she went back to her chair right across from me.  I told her already he’s trying to blame me because I’m not there yet.  He’s always trying to blame me.  She said she just heard about the Kent State anniversary and how they were blaming the students (the victims)  but they had no weapons.  Some just put the blame on others.  Yes – my son does.  She said something about figuring out something to shoot right back at him when he does that.  Don’t bite the hand that feeds you or something to say.  And how he’s resisting going to that northern big city because he only wants to get his things.  So I suggested we come back after we move him.  He said he’d think about it.  I told my therapist or I can take his car and go for a couple days myself if he’ll let me.  She said how we will both need alone time.  Yes.  She said how he’ll need to unpack and such. 
So basically for the rest of the time we talked about what was going to work and what not.  I needed to go to the bathroom again and she knew I wanted to try standing again.  She said I could put something down on the floor - plastic.  Or, I suggested we could go walking outside and practice that, too.  She thought and thought that was the better idea.  She didn’t say but I’m sure she had to be thinking less of a chance to get something on her carpet.  She asked me if I had something on.  Yes – guess she forgot I told her I did that when I changed.  Or she was just checking maybe. 
So we left and went downstairs and outside.  Going down the steps I remember telling her the tennis shoes looked funny.  She didn’t really comment.  Oh, yes.  She asked me where I got my clothes.  Goodwill.  Earlier she asked me if my husband saw them.  No.  I told her it was funny – I was laughing.  You have to be careful and so much was way too big on me.  Even this one a little and I showed her on top.  She didn’t say anything. 
So we got outside and started walking around.  I told her we can pretend I’m out walking with my son.  She we roll played a little.  I would tell him I needed to go and he would say there’s no bathrooms around.  Then I’d be looking around.  She asked if I’d be looking for a bathroom.  Or, if I would just need to go somewhere.  We walked around a couple times (later she told me 4 – I didn’t say but I’m thinking it was 2 and we were on our 3rd).  I said something about telling him.  She said yes but don’t ask permission – just say I need to go, act very sure.  By then I was already going to the bathroom.  I’m not sure if she knew so – maybe – but then she caught on.  I saw drip drops on the pavement and in a few seconds told her.  She glanced back but by then I think we were too far away to see anything.  Plus it was black pavement.  Later I asked her if she saw.  No. 
On the way back inside we were both kind of looking to see if anything showed – I think I was looking more than her.  She told me to go use the bathroom downstairs that she’d wait for me there.  I was hesitant because I thought those tenants might be there with the door open.  They were.  I told her and wondered if we should go back upstairs.  She looked and said she couldn’t see much.  I could.  She said it’s not obvious like jeans are. 
So I went back but when I went down the hall I heard the toilet flush.  I came back, she was just waiting in the larger area looking down, said her name and told her I heard someone in there.  I didn’t want to go and told her I wanted to just go upstairs.  So we did, she told me to go first.  On the way back upstairs I asked her if she saw anything from the back.  She said just a little but you have to really look.  I definitely saw.  Especially the line going down that left leg.  When we got upstairs we went into her office waiting room, I went into the bathroom and she went back to her office to wait. 
I changed and came back into her office.  We had talked earlier that I had more clothes – no more leggings but I had jeans.  That’s what I changed into.  I had my shoes and socks off and got my flip flops out of my bag and put them on.  I told her my socks and a little of my shoes even got wet.  She did see the line going down but she said it wasn’t really noticeable.  Well, not as noticeable as jeans.  There isn’t going to be anything perfect unless I wear big bertha.  I told her that I think the leggings are just too thin to hold anything.  The jeans soak it up better but they are a lot more noticeable. 
She asked me about the size pad it was.  I told her the most or 2nd most number of pads on the front picture.  It’s hard to find the most ones.  I had that at the funeral where it went down and luckily I was standing on mud and not concrete.  She agreed very much.  She asked me what would I design if I was doing it.  I told her probably something with gathers.  I don’t think these pads have gathers.  She thought maybe the special underwear at the store does.  I didn’t think so.  They are just big and bulky.  But I thought big bertha has gathers.
I talked about period pads that say they are thin and absorb a lot.  I don’t know – I wear tampons (except for my little ones).  I would design something like that.  Super absorbency but flat so I don’t feel it.  But a period is much different than going to the bathroom.  She nodded it is.  I said that I guess it can’t be done because someone would have invented that already.  Yes – she nodded and agreed.  Speaking of periods I got mine 2 days ago so I don’t think I’ll be going on The Pill like the doctor said I could.  It’s a real one this time. 
So we talked about what works and what doesn’t.  We thought maybe not the skirt when I’m sitting in the car.  Earlier I had showed her the brown little skirt I had but I told her if it got wet it would still show.  So we thought when standing and walking the leggings and the skirt would be good.  Or the long shirt and the leggings.  When I stand it doesn’t show on the clothing.  Maybe for a one time deal (option for one day) and roll up the extra leggings and put them in my purse.  Earlier she said she saw someone the other day with while leggings on and they looked darling.  Dark leggings would be good for me less likely to show.  If I was sitting in the car I would have to make sure I pull up the long top if I start going.  That would be better in the car than the skirt.  Walking around maybe the skirt thing.
I told her how the jeans absorb and the leggings are just so thin.  She said how the top would work – a longer top – for the leggings.  We decided not even a longer top for jeans because it would still show.  It wouldn’t be long enough.  She had me stand up with that top on with the pair of jeans I just changed into.  I guess she’s seen how wet my jeans can get even though she’s really good about not looking most of the time.  That’s why she said that long top and jeans, without protection I’m thinking, wouldn’t work.
Then I told her I want to ask her something that I’ve never told her about but she knows everything anyway.  She agreed!  I was really embarrassed to tell her.  I started out by saying that when I need to go I do everything I can not to go.  I do this when I’m by myself or with my husband only.  Not others.  But it really does help.  When I’m with my son I don’t know if I should do this or not – being with him so much and so many instances.  It was hard to say.  I asked her if she knows what I’m going to say.  No – I figured not.  I told her sometimes little kids do it.  Hold themselves?  Yes.  I try that or sit on my heal sometimes but only by myself or with my husband.  She thought maybe sitting more.  I said both. 
I asked her if I’ve ever done it with her.  No.  I thought maybe once I caught myself.  Once with my friends driving I think I caught myself.  But I don’t want to.  It does help.  She thought it may make me feel like I’m keeping my panic lower because I’m doing something.  Yes but physically it does help – puts counter pressure – but not for long for me.  She thought it does work – makes sense – because kids do do it.  She asked me how much more time it gives me.  I realized not very long.  She nodded yes like she thought that. 
So we decided no – don’t do it in front of my son.  I really don’t want to!   I didn’t say but this one was really hard to tell her – very embarrassing and something I’ve been able to hide all along.  OK – I can’t think about it anymore.  I feel the shame that I told her.  I can’t do that.  She said I’d feel better if I didn’t need to do that with him.  Yes.  Especially because he’d say some negative comment to me.  She said to just keep what I’m doing now until I go a little over a week from now.   Extend my waiting period as long as I can.  Keep drinking the fluids and waiting a little longer or as long as I can. 
So I asked her what we should practice next time.  I told her how I really want to go next door and buy something.  I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.  And we can go outside again like we did today.  She said I did really well outside and I really had to go.  She also said we were out there for a while – 4 times around she said.  I asked if we were out there for more than 5 minutes.  She said we were.  That’s good. 
She talked about practicing with big bertha.  Maybe.   But even wearing little bertha you feel it.  Unless your legs are crossed and you’re just sitting.  Maybe use big bertha in the car with my son she suggested.  I wanted to know if I can I ask him to stop when I need to – even out in the middle of no where?  Yes that would be OK, I don’t have another choice.  I told her that sometimes there’s even no place to stop.  She said to use big bertha as a default that I know she’s always there to count on.  She said to experiment with clothes.  Even the longer top with jeans may or may not work.  But anything with big bertha would.  So we ended and I left.  I went to my massage therapist and saw the other one there in the hallway, too.  She hadn’t returned my call yet and said next Tuesday with her is fine. 
In conclusion, I’m thinking the reality is I’m am going to have to use big bertha a lot.  A whole lot more that I want to!  I’m really trying other things instead but they may not work as well.  Wish they did.  I wish I didn’t have this problem and have to do this in the first place.  But again – reality – I do and I have to figure out all the alternatives I have and hope I chose the right ones at the right times.  I am so greatfull I have a therapist who helps me tremendously with this and is there with me to help as we explore all these options.  I could never do these things with anyone else let alone even myself.