We Experimented Two Times With The Yoga Pants

I was sitting in the waiting room waiting and it was a little after 2PM.  My massage therapist, then my therapist came through the main door.  My massage therapist said hi and my therapist said to come on back.  I did, followed her back to her office and she did not stop to hang up her green coat in the hallway.  She took it off and put it over an extra chair in her office.  She told me they had a field trip together.  She took her to the Russian pharmacy next door.  She asked me if I’ve ever been.  No, we talked about it once but didn’t go.  She said she gets her hand lotion from Bulgaria there.    I told her I have the yoga pants with me and motioned to my bag and she saw I had a pair on, too.  She commented the outfit was really cute.  I told her I want to experiment with them and I have a pad on – Little Bertha.  “You have a pad on now?” she asked me.  Yes.  She asked if it’s just like a heavier pad.  Yes but I think it has gathers.  I don’t like to look at them.  She asked me if I’m wanting to do this before I go to the Laughter Yoga.  Yes, but because of what happened last night I don’t even want to go – but I’ll tell her later about that.    I told her I want to try with and without the bike shorts on.  We talked a little about how we are going to do this but not much.  First I stood up and pointed out that the shirt is longer to cover if I need to.  She said yes, like a tunic top she was talking about.  She looked to see if anything showed.  I thought in the back but she said no, she can’t see anything.  She asked me if I wanted to do anything to prepare before we do it.  I thought and looked at her rug and asked her, “Like to put something down.”  “Yes, that’s what I was thinking about,” she told me.  I said I had some plastic, looked in my purse and got out a white plastic trash bag.  I was really needing to go by now but tried not to show it too much.  I think she figured.  I stood up and started to put it out on top of the rug and she told me to put it out further out on the carpeting because they plan on cleaning it soon.  So I did. I moved around a little standing there but tried not to.  I then told her I better take my shoes and socks off.  I sat down and did that and then stood back up.  She asked me if I want to just go walking.  I said I didn’t care and left it up to her.  She said yes, let’s do that and asked me if I want to put my shoes and socks back on.  I said just my socks, not my shoes and did that.  I’m wondering if she said that so I wouldn’t make a mess in her office if that happened.  But I think she did say to go walking as if to practice something.  She asked me if I wanted to take my purse with extra clothes in it.  I said there are jeans in that one and I wanted to use my other yoga pants for next time.  So I got those out and put them in a bag to go.  Almost about to leave I told her I can’t do this much longer.  So we walked out the door her ahead of me.  We passed by the massage therapist in her room.    I pretty much started going to the bathroom right away.  She knew because she glanced at me once and I think I was making a face, wincing or something, like I was not able to do this but we kept walking.  She said we’ll go down by the bathroom and that’s what we did.  But we stopped right there in the hall, just outside of that bathroom, because she knew I had already gone.  I was even holding the bag the whole time which is unusual because I usually have her hold it.  I think because we left so fast and I really needed to go by then that I couldn’t even think about that.  But we didn’t talk about it.  I felt my pants on the inside legs.  They were wet.  She asked me if she should look to check like someone else might do.  OK.  We both looked and she said she can’t see anything.  I looked down.  You could.  “Yes, here … look.”  She did and saw but said it was hardly visible.  It was down the inside of my right leg.  You’d have to really look and we both agreed people wouldn’t do that.  She asked me if I wanted to change.  Yes.  I went into that bathroom and did while she waited for me.  When I came out she wasn’t right out there.  I had to look for her down the hallway.  “I didn’t know where you were,” I said to her when I caught up to her.  We walked back.   When we got back into her office I told her the only thing is I forgot my bike shorts and extra pad to put on underneath.  She asked me if I wanted to do it now.  I said no, it’s uncomfortable.  The bike shorts are really tight and they are really a boys size.  I’ll wait a bit.  She commented about the bike shorts covering up my belly I talk about.  I said yes, my belly.  She didn’t comment.  Maybe she thinks I’m fat, too.  Really, I’m not fat – just there a little.    She asked me a little how that was and that she really didn’t see anything.  That it will work.  I need to make sure I have my extra pants with me.  Yes.   We pretty much started talking about other things right away at my doings.  I told her about my son and I talked to him yesterday when he called.  He really is moving north, now has no electricity because they probably didn’t pay it and they have to be out after Sunday.  I hate to see him move because I like the southern and family there.  But I do have family on my Dad’s side up north.  My cousin knows them but I don’t but would like to meet them.  I think they (he and his friend) will be staying with friends until he actually moves.  I worry about him but I’m guessing he’ll be OK.  She said he is very smart and resourceful.  Like he’ll figure it out.    Then I told her what happened last night with the 9 PM phone call getting cancelled.  When no one called by 9:15 I called on of my friends.  She said her sister said to do this after they find out when they are going on their cruise.  But no one told me.  What she is trying to do is put the blame on her sister saying she never replied to our other friend’s email but what she doesn’t realize is if she knew the phone call was cancelled she should have called me.  I set aside time for this.  I didn’t point fingers at her and said I wish someone would have told me and my therapist said that was good.    But the thing is they continually do this “behind my back” thing.  It started on the last girl trip and I gave more instances.  I used to be involved in things and now not.  They decide and then call me after.  Like our other friend that people avoid talking to.  But I’m not like him.  I’m controlling but more in a take-charge way and I always let others say what they want.  She said it’s like high school stuff.  Yes and I’ve never been into that.  And, this never happened before and I don’t know what’s going on.    She said to say something maybe to one that maybe I’m like that guy in a joking way.  Or that I know I’m a take-charge person but ask if I’m doing anything wrong.  I’m really angry and I don’t know how to act on Sunday.  I’ll probably be as friendly as I am but what if I’m still angry and can’t?  One girl isn’t going to that but is to dinner.  I said maybe she’s afraid she’ll go to the bathroom, too – who knows?  She didn’t say anything.    I know I need more friends.  But you can’t just snap your fingers and get them.  She said she knows it takes time.  We’ve been friends so long and I don’t want to loose that but I don’t want to have to put up with this.  She said maybe we all need to branch out to others.  I don’t know.  I said my husband ignores me and I don’t need more.  She said some people are happy at home just by themselves (she said many people it the IT field) but other’s like me aren’t.  That I need to be around people.  Yes.    Then I told her about my cousin on Facebook and didn’t accept me as a friend but did her daughter.  But I don’t think she looks at it very much.  Maybe she just didn’t see my request.  I just don’t want her to think I’m my Mom who she had a conflict with just before she died.  I’m not her!  We both said how there may be several reasons that happened.    I said how I’m going to let this trip thing just go.  It’s not like me because I’m the one to get things going.  I’m going to let them talk about it when they want to.  One friend asked me if August would be OK to go and she knows why I like to go when we traditionally go the last week of May.  Less crowded because kids may still be in school and also being the week after Memorial Day.  Sometimes I think I don’t want to go and put up with all that.  But I do want to go.  I love to travel and see things.  I’m afraid they’ll have hesitations being around me because of what happens.  I didn’t even have to say what – she already knew.  That maybe my friends will say, ‘well here she goes again’ and get tired of having to deal with me and what happens.  My therapist just shook her head like she understands how I feel but really didn’t say anything.    So soon I said I better put those bike shorts and pad on.  She asked me if she should just turn around.  Yes.  I took them out and asked her if she wanted to look at the pad.  Yes, she did.  I handed it to her and she said it’s not that thick.  I told her she can open it up.  She did and asked me if I used this the last time.  Yes.  When she opened it up I asked her if it has gathers.  Yes.  So she gave it back to me.  She turned around and started going through her cabinet with her little trinkets in it while I put the pad and the bike shorts on.  When I said OK she turned back around.    I had sat back down.  She asked me if I wanted to do this now.  I said we can wait a few minutes.  So I pulled out the exposures handout and the letters.  I told her I want to talk about this handout she gave me last time but first about the letters.  I told her I started reading and read about 4 or 5 more but there’s something important in all of them.  And then I couldn’t read anymore and want to do it here.  I asked her if we can have a session just to devote to reading the letters.  She thought it would be a good idea to do that.  When I asked for an extra, extra session she smiled almost like ‘More?’ but didn’t exactly say that.  She said she has to talk to me about her schedule anyway.    She will not be there over President’s Day and will be gone from the Wednesday before through the Monday after.  But that is the week after so I said maybe we can do this next week.  Once she said about using one of my extra sessions but then I told her we always have other things to talk about.  She agreed.  And I had told her I do have unlimited sessions just as long as they are renewed after 20.  She said she hasn’t gotten paid yet for December.  I said I just called and they just processed that so maybe it’s coming soon.  She said I’d have to submit for her to get paid for January.  Sure.  So she wrote down all the January dates.  I told her as of the first of this year I had 13 left.  She looked a little confused.    She wrote down on the same paper with the January dates all the other dates we made for the next few weeks.  First next week for the extra session.  She said she can’t do it Wednesday, she can do it Tuesday at 3 PM.  It seemed like that was the only time left and I said that was fine.  Then the regular Monday and Thursday of next week.  Now to the following week before she leaves.  I asked her where she’s going.  To Florida to see her brother.  She’ll be here only Monday and Tuesday.  She asked me when on Tuesday looking to see that she had many more openings than the extra one we tried to put in for next week.  I said 1 PM or 2 PM.  She put me in for 1 PM.  Then the following week she won’t be back until Tuesday so the same 1 PM for Tuesday and our regular Thursday.    During this I had to go worse as time went on.  I didn’t say anything but I think I started moving around more or showing it in my face.  I told her we better do this or maybe she just knew we should.  I stood up and she asked me if we should go back out.  I asked if anyone was out in the hallway.  We both listened.  Yes – she said in the copy room (it’s a closet next to her door).  So we decided no we’d just do it there.    I stood up and she looked front and back.  She said she couldn’t see anything.  We both saw the ridge of the bottom of the bike shorts but thought it was OK – no one would notice.  I got the plastic trash bag out that I picked up off the floor after we got back last time and just put it beside me on the couch.  I started to put it out right in front of me but remembered to move out closer to her on the carpeting.  I told her to stand up, too.  She did.    I stood on the white bag and very much right away I said, “I can’t hold it at all.”  I just stood there peeing and she waited.  She might have responded with an ‘OK’ after I said that.  I said how I hate this, hate doing this and she just smiled and continued to just wait.  I don’t remember her looking away like sometime she has in the past.  I think she just looked at me.  Thank goodness she didn’t look down and watch.  When I was done I said, “OK.”   We looked and she said she couldn’t see anything.  I told her it dripped down one leg a little.  We looked down but I didn’t see anything.  She said we’ll just throw that bag away (I ended up putting it in my bag with all my wet clothes to throw away later).  I felt around the crouch/legs area and told her that was wet.  She said she couldn’t see anything.  I felt an area where the pad was and said you can see that.  She didn’t say anything.  She asked me where I wanted to change and we decided in there was fine and she’d just go out a bit.    She left, I changed, she knocked on the door coming back in after I said, “Come in.”  I wonder if she talked to the massage therapist again and if she wondered what she was doing out there and I was in the office.  We didn’t even talk about that but boy do I wonder!  And if they talked about me on the way to or back from the pharmacy when they went together today.  Or, anytime for that matter!  If they talk I only hope it’s about good things and not about anything bad about me or about any of my problems.    She came back in and asked me if I noticed the difference with or without the bike shorts.  Not really.  The bike shorts are uncomfortable.  It’s not just the waist tightness (it came up way too high and I had to fold it over) but mostly tight around the legs.  And, I have skinny legs!  I had asked her if I should use the bike shorts or not.  She asked me if I thought they made a difference.  Not a whole lot. She said maybe not – it would be more I’d have to take off if I needed to if I’d wear them.  I said that the bike shorts were really wet, soaked, when I took them off.    She thought it worked good and we talked about logistics a little.  She said it would be good if I can’t make it all the way to the bathroom or if I leak a little during it.  She said to put my extra pants (black yoga pants) into my purse.  I said I’ll have to grab my purse when I go to the bathroom.  She said to keep it in the back by the door, like against the wall.  I said I hope I can do that – that it’s set up like that.  It depends where my friends want to stand.  It would be weird if I didn’t stand with them.  She said that’s true.    She said to plan on going to the bathroom right before it starts and then again half way through whether I need to or not.  “And not try to try and wait if I can?” I asked.  No.  She said I’ll be worried about it if I do that.  Just go halfway through no matter what.  I asked her won’t it look funny if they see me go right before and then just half an hour later.  She said no, to be discreet about it, to just slip out.  I hope I can.  She said that people aren’t going to be into looking at that. They are going to be into what we are doing and looking to see what a cute outfit I have on and how skinny I am.  Yeah right!  We both said after one another, me first.    Then she asked if I wanted to talk about the exposures handout.  Yes, and I took it out.  I asked her where she got that.  She said it’s a hand-out (not from a book like I asked) from her EMR supervisor that she uses I’m guessing for teaching it.  First I said that it says not to use distraction and that’s what I do.  She said on the throw up ones that’s why she tells me to look and keep focused on it to work through it.  I said that for the other one (bathroom) I want to distract myself.  She said because I want to wait longer.  Yes.  If I don’t then I’ll have to go worse faster and won’t be able to wait as long.  She said that’s different in that situation or exposure.    The praise and permission I guessed that it’s when I don’t have to look at the throw up.  I can turn away if I want to.  She said yes and also when we go next door she makes sure she tells me it’s OK to use the bathroom over there if I need to.  The imaginal rehearsal is something we do.  It’s when we talk about what may happen step by step and what we can do and the ‘what if’s’.    With the anger it’s different for me because I do get angry but I’m not sure if it’s for the right thing.  I get angry at myself for having the problem.  She agreed but the handout says to get angry at the problem.  Like she does with the kids she sees telling them that problem is not going to let it get them.  They are going to stop that.  And with staying with the process and keep trying I do that.  I keep trying and don’t give up and then it says to recovery and freedom.  I told her I’m still hoping for that.  She nodded.  Then we talked about how good I’ve been doing because these past several times I’ve had a lot of accidents.  That I’m not getting into that feeling like a bad person.  Except for now I am a little.  She asked me after what we did today?  Yes.  She said even after the first one we did I was able to come back in and talk about different things.  Sometimes I can’t even do that and I freeze up.  I asked in not knowing what to do?  She said yes and just talking in general.  I told her I do feel it now.  She said to leave it here.  I need to go into the massage therapist who is happily waiting to see me and be my happy self.  And to enjoy my weekend.  It was a success what we did.  She can’t feel what I feel on the inside and the wetness but no one could tell.  I’m guessing she said a success because you couldn’t tell and because we need a success badly having so many unsuccessful ones lately.   So we ended and I went into my massage therapist.  I was going to go to the bathroom again but thought no – she just saw me go 2 times.  And, maybe she’ll have to go before getting her next client.  Well, good thing, my massage therapist was on the phone.  I sat down but decided I better go while she was talking.  I waited until I thought my therapist took her person (a young adult tall male) and then I went.  Good thing I went because after she got off the phone she talked and talked more to me and I didn’t leave for quite a while.    I even got up on the table in which I’m scared to do because I’m afraid if I pee it’ll get it all over.  I do it with the other massage therapist but very rarely with this one because it’s almost always a chair massage.  She wanted to work on my neck.  She did thank me for listening to her when I left.  Sure!  We figured out times for the next several weeks because of the time and day changes with my therapist going out of town and such.  I told her about the extra one next week because we are working on a project we want to get through.  “Oh!” she exclaimed like it was a good thing.  She better not know anything – she can’t.  Every 2nd Tuesday they have a staff meeting there 12-1PM so one Tuesday it may be her and not the other massage therapist.    OK … so I’m feeling badly still.  A little, not a lot but it’s there.  I have to keep telling myself what we did was a good thing.  I’m not a bad person for those accidents.  They weren’t real accidents anyway – they were experiments.  She’s OK with it, she’s not bothered by it and she doesn’t think I’m a bad person, or any lesser of me, that they happened.  I’m hoping it will fade.  But then I have tomorrow and the long boring weekend.  I’m so bored.  I’m so lonely.  I have to do something about it but I have these stumbling blocks in my way.  MOVE!  MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!  I think it’s also the fact that she’s going out of town again.  I hate it when she’s gone.  And, I want to go too … I want to go places!  I want to fight this problem and not let it get in the way but I need to have the opportunities and I don’t right now and I’m afraid to reach out.  I want them to come to me.  Or at least some reaching out and some coming to me.