We Did Two Exposures In One Day

I went to my therapist’s today and when I got there I needed to go to the bathroom.  I said that was good because we can practice with the products I brought and maybe even go outside to do a scenario.  The first thing she said was “You had a health scare this week.”  I said yes but I want to talk about what I brought and what I wanted to do first.  I told her how I just didn’t know what to do today with that, that’s why I brought so much and since it’s nice out maybe we should go outside today (never know when it’s going to rain in May).  I showed her the little bag I brought that had 2 smaller pads:  one from Walgreens (not as thick) and one from Poise (thicker) and the diaper in it.  I said, “I think I need to go to the bathroom, and we can try one.”  She pulled out “Big Bertha” (the diaper) and opened it up and really looked at ‘her’.  She said she’ll have to re-name it because she was naming “Big Bertha” to the big one with the tabs.  This is like a pull-up.  I told her it looks like old lady underwear.  She thought this one was cute and almost talked to it like a person.  Like she was apologizing to ‘her’ that I didn’t like ‘her’.  She looked to see if there was a front or back.  Couldn’t tell.  So she handed it to me and we think the blue lines go in the back.  She thought one front or back was higher – don’t know.  She wanted to just set her aside on the chair across from me and I told her no, I just want her to put it in a drawer.  She did.  I had told her maybe I didn’t need to use it.  She said I wouldn’t get any sleep.  Guess she meant I’d be up all night worrying and trying not to sleep for fear I’ll have an accident.  Oh, the lady and rock was gone – put back – from last week.  She looked at the other pads – the outside – didn’t open them up like she did the diaper.  She didn’t think it would be good enough really having to go.  I was telling her I had to go and she said maybe I should go to the bathroom if I had to go that badly.  I told her no, I wanted to try them out.  She said they look like they would just buy me time if I started going while going to the bathroom.  So she saw how badly I was needing to go so she gave me the larger one, turned around and I put it on. She gave me the plastic bag and asked me if I wanted to sit on it.  She said I could use the towel, too if I wanted.  I don’t think she thought it would work.  Usually she doesn’t care if anything gets wet – it’s me that does.  I guess because she now knows what can happen – remember I got her rug wet last time a little.  And now I was on her couch and I’ve said many times how I didn’t want to pee all over her couch.  I sat on the plastic first, then the towel under.  When I put the pad on I looked down and told her how I can see it under my jeans – it’s so bulky.  She turned back around and it wasn’t too long and I started going.  “I can’t,” I think I said.  Then I looked down and said, “I hate this.  You don’t know how I hate this,” while I was going.  I don’t know if she was looking or not.  When I was done I just said, “OK.”  So she asked me if she wanted me to look or her to look to see if it worked.  I glanced down.  “No, I see it didn’t,” I said as soon as I looked down.  It was wet in both sides in the front and leg areas by my crouch.    She came over to me and we both stood up like we were going to get out of the car and go to the bathroom as if this happened in the car.  She asked me if I wanted her to look.  I let her but I had a longer top on and was pulling it down to try to cover.  She saw though.  She said I could wear a long top, or a tunic top, to cover.  And make sure I have a jacket with me right there to put around my waist.  I reminded her how with my kids I had to walk all the way into a store like that.  I had a jacket but it was all down my legs and didn’t cover everything.  I made them walk next to me to cover what I could.  When I looked again I commented that I thought it was spreading.  She said maybe it’s leaking a little.  She looked at my backside and I said I didn’t think it was there.  No – just in the front.  So she turned around again and I changed into the pants I had brought in my purse.    When we talked about going outside and doing the scenario where we are walking and I’m walking faster than my friends, but I couldn’t decide if I wanted to wear pants or shorts.  Last time it happened with them, last year, it was with shorts walking and pants waiting outside the bathroom.  I told her with pants you can very much see because it goes all down my legs.  With shorts you can’t see as much but it goes onto my legs and little drip drops on the concrete – unless we walk on the grass, I added.  We couldn’t decide so I told her I wanted to just talk about other things until I needed to go to the bathroom again.   So we did.  I told her about my tummy hurting and aneurisms in my family and how I prayed I’d wake up.  I do not like going to doctors but I thought now’s the time I better get this checked out.  She said next time I may just have to go somewhere (I guess the hospital) in the middle of the night.  She saw how scary this is especially after I told her how many people in my family had it.  She said her grandfather died of this.  And I told her of the person at work who was supposed to help me the next day, said her stomach hurt and dropped dead a few hours later on her kitchen floor.  But my tests came out fine – thank God.  I told her how it’s uncomfortable when you’re tummy hurts and they’re poking around doing the ultrasound.  But I kept thinking there are other worse tests and at least this one I didn’t have to drink anything!  She laughed.  And I said how nice it was that I wasn’t eating or drinking for so many hours I only went to the bathroom a few times that day.  It was really nice.  Maybe ulcers since it started to feel better after I ate.  We talked about my little granddaughter and how she said to make sure she doesn’t feel like people are leaving her like when she was in the hospital and rehabilitation center.  And, that’s what I had when I was little.  I was at a hospital for 5-6 weeks when I was 7 turning 8.  Maybe that’s why I have trouble with this as well.  She definitely agreed.  She said how my granddaughter is so drawn to me it’s almost like she can sense this.  Yeah.  She said we should work on that after the trip.  She seemed glad I talked about that and we’ll go through that report we once started on and she’s holding for me.  And I said how my husband is not there for me.  He’s just not.  She said I’m relying on him exclusively too much.  I would do well as part of a community.  She could see as that very much so.  And I don’t know about moving and what to do now.  I like everything and don’t want to sell it but I may have to get rid of ½.  And there’s a reason why I’m not getting a job.  I need to be busy with a project or else I get “depressed.”  She said about empty nesters and I said we don’t need the big house, the expensive pool and we just can’t afford it.  She nodded and said after the trip we need to explore both these things.  Yes.  Again, she seems happy I talked about that, too.  A diversion from the intense trip thing I guess.  We talked about my son being over, my daughter maybe moving farther out, my Aunt who called me last night who just got back from the hospital and sounds weaker, my cousin who we saw walking last night.  My aunt and my cousin’s dad are my only links left to my Mom and Dad (their bother & sister).    She’s trying so hard to convince me to wear a skirt.  She said there are cute pheasant style skirts.  Then I can wear bike shorts under and when I had an accident it wouldn’t leak.  I told her it would leak and no – I won’t wear a skirt.  My friends would say, what are you wearing!  She tried harder than usual and I stood pat with my no, no!  She also tried with the wearing even the little pad all the time.  No, no!  And, Big Bertha all the time – is she kidding!  I know I’m being stubborn but it’s so very uncomfortable.  I hope she doesn’t loose patience with me and just tries to help me to deal with things in case I have an accident.  I can’t wear those awful things.  I’m not a baby or an old lady!    We talked about the more I do this the more familiar it gets and easy to deal with.  That how sometimes I freeze and doing this more & more I’ll more likely just know what to do like habit, like programmed.  I told her yeah, like how in the doctors office it was easier because it felt familiar.    Then I needed to go to the bathroom again.  We didn’t know if I should change to shorts or wear the pants.  She knew how both are bad and how I didn’t want to do either.  She even said before how this is something that shouldn’t be.  Like if she’d make someone go out and have a car accident.  You just don’t do that.  So I had to decide because we needed to leave.  I wore the pants and she got out the extra pants she had for me in her drawer for me to put in my purse.  I left the shorts there because I didn’t want to go to massage therapy and leave with the shorts on (didn’t tell her that).   So we went outside in the back parking lot.  On the way out I told her I set up ½ hour massage/healing with the other massage therapist while she’s gone that week.  She thought that was great.  But the massage therapist looked at me like ½ hour?  I can’t tell her why.  I was afraid someone would see us outside.  She didn’t think so.  As soon as we got out there a chiropractic from the building pulled up.  Thank goodness he went right in.  So we walked the circle and just talked.  I told her she’s walking too fast for them.  She asked me if I’d say I really need to go faster.  Yes but they wouldn’t pay attention to me.  She guessed they’d be wrapped up in their conversations.  Yes.  She tried to slow down but I don’t think she really did like my friends would be.    After about 1 ½ times around I started to go badly and I think she could tell.  By now I think she can really tell what I do – especially non verbally.  She’s seen me have accident many times now.  I must have verbally moaned or made some noise or something and did that leaning over with my hands on my thighs so others can’t see.  “Should we head back?” she asked me.  “Oh, my God,” I said as I was peeing.  “Yes, let’s go back.  Oh, ‘her name’ ” I said in desperation.  On the way back she was way in front of me again like last time.  I kinda lag behind a little – maybe because I’m going to the bathroom, I’m not sure.  I told her that my friends would be looking.  She just acknowledged they would but didn’t look herself, she just kept walking in.  I’m glad we went back when we did.  That’s when I probably would have froze.  Better to get off the parking lot where I’m visible and inside quickly to go inside to the bathroom where no one can see.  When we got inside I told her to look to see if that office door (the new downstairs tenants) is closed because it’s right in front of the bathroom.  She looked.  “It’s closed.”  I told her my friends would be looking.  She asked me if I wanted her to look, looking straight at me, not down at my crouch.  She is very respectful in that way.  Well, either she’s respectful or maybe she just doesn’t want to look – like really gross.  I said to take a quick glance and that’s all.  She did and just quickly and quietly and “Yeah.”  I went in and she told me she’d meet me back upstairs. I went into the bathroom and changed.    When I got back I told her I think we should have walked back in together.  She asked me why.  I said because the massage therapist, who saw us leave, would wonder what’s going on.  She said she did talk to her a little because she asked if I was still coming to her after.  She told her yes.  I guess she wondered why we left together and my therapist came back without me.  She better not have told her anything!  I would trust she didn’t.  I didn’t say but I always like her to stay and wait for me so that I do come back.  Strange – I know but these kinds of things wouldn’t matter to her or others but does to me.    She asked me what I learned from this.  I said to have clothes with me so I can go in somewhere and change.  And not to get in my shame mode.  She said no, that’ll make me cranky and crabby.  She said to have a sense of humor with it.  I told her I do laugh along with people but not inside.  She understands.  It’s not really funny to me and she knows it.    She told me a story about going to the post office yesterday and just leaving a package with them because she had to get to her office for a session and she didn’t have her reading glasses to copy an address.  She woke up at 3AM worried about it and went back today to make sure it went out OK.  It had a credit card and cash inside to her son in another country.  She shared it with her partner like they do when they “mess up” and they laughed.  She said it helps to share it with people and laugh – like for me, too.  And how an American Idol finalist sounded real bad on a note and his whole family laughed with him.    Before I left I asked her to bet with me if my youngest, who is so far away, will call me on Sunday – Mother’s Day.  She said her son that’s in a foreign country will probably not.  She didn’t think they celebrated it there.  So we laughed and said because they are the same age my son probably will not as well.  She said they might visit her other son at school this weekend and asked what we are going to do.  No plans especially if it’s up to my husband.  We’ll see.  I had so much stuff with me and wanted to leave or hide some before I went to the massage therapist.  No, she wouldn’t let me.  I asked her if she could at least keep the towel – it wasn’t wet or anything.  She said she would and commented about us using it in the future.  I commented how super it was that I did 2 today and earlier I had indicated I wasn’t feeling the same.  That’s good. You know – most of the time these exposures get easier.  I guess I’m more immune to them.  Once in a while it’s really hard.  But they are easier with her and she’s not real life people.  My goal is to be comfortable doing them with her so that it’s OK, not such a big and horrible deal, if it happens with other people.