We Did The Throw Up Experiment

I came in with my plastic tub lid.  She commented about it and how I’ve got something to do and about having boots on.  I sat down and told her I’ve got props and I’ll tell her what I want to do.  First I asked her to tell me, I bet she doesn’t do kooky things like we do with other people.  She said she does some pretty kooky stuff but it’s with kids.  She wanted to plan it out a little first and wrote things down.  I told her since yesterday when I decided what to do I’ve been anxious about it.  Like when I started doing the exposure therapies for my problem I was really scared at first.  I still get scared but every time it gets better.  With this it was like at the beginning again.   She asked me where I was on a scale of 1 to 10.  An 8  and she was a little surprised it was that high.  Where did I feel it.  Kind of all over.  I said this is either going to work or it’s not.  Either I know it’s not real and it’ll be like nothing or it’ll gross me out.  I told her I brought cookies to crumble up and put inside the water.  I showed her the bags I brought.  2 larger clear ones and 2 Glad type bags.  We ended up using the larger bags and outside, or in the bathroom, I stuffed the others in my pocket.  But, the larger ones did leak.    She asked me if I want to do it now or talk about other things first.  No, I have other things to talk about, my son and the car but I want to get this done to do it now.  She asked how we’ll do this with the water.  I told her we’ll go to the downstairs bathroom to fill them up.  She commented how I’ve got this well thought up and we got up.  She got her cream fleece jacket out of the drawer and I grabbed mine saying it is chilly outside.    We went down the 2 flights of stairs.  She asked where to do this and I said in back, another thing to hide what we do.  She said that some things others don’t have to see.  I said that maybe we can do this on the picnic tables.  She said yes if no one is watching from the windows down there.  Right.  The office door down there was wide open and we just walked in the bathroom anyway.  I said something, maybe about filling it halfway and noticed the first stall door was closed.  “Is someone in there?” I mouthed to her.  She nodded yes.  I went to the sink to start to fill up my bag but the girl came out so I stopped.  My therapist told her to just go ahead and I moved out of the way – to the other side in front of the other stall and against the wall to wait.    The girl finished washing her hands and I went to fill the bag.  I commented about there seeming to be complications with people all the time.  She said something like yes, that’s life.  I filled my bag about half way with water.  Then it was her turn.  She did, too.  She asked me if we should put soap inside.  Sure, to make it yuckier.  That’s what she did but then I noticed mine was leaking and caught the leaks with my hand and splattered them in the sink before we left.  So I didn’t get to put the soap in like she did.  She looked at hers and noticed hers was leaking too and said we better go do this fast and looked like she wondered what to do about the leaking.  “Here,” I said as I got paper towels for her and me to hold under the bags while we walked outside.  We both noticed it was starting to rain like drizzle/misty.  So we put the plastic lid on the picnic table while we each took about 2 handfuls of vanilla wafers to crumble up.  I gave her the first and then told her she can get more from the bag.  She asked me how it looked.  Kinda gross.  Hers was grosser because she had soap in it, too.  It was bubbly at the top.  I held the lid, then she did.  Then she went over to the side to hold it and I told her I didn’t want her to get wet.  The she thought we can put it on this little hill to do it.  That’s what we did.    I took my bag and let go and it splattered all over the lid.  I walked away after I did it.  Then it was her turn and I told her I’d do her bag because I didn’t want her to get wet.  “I’m not doing it,” she told me.  I took her bag and then again, splattered all over the plastic lid.  I got pretty wet myself because it’s hard to get away fast.  I commented and I think I said, “I didn’t pee.”  So we were done.  I told her I wanted to wipe the lid down or wash it off.  First she tried to place it against the building and said maybe I can come back for it.  But then she said it wasn’t dripping so she carried it and the cookie bag back inside.  I carried it all out.  Usually I ask her to carry my stuff out when we do the exposure therapies but this was totally different.    I told her again about wiping it off.  I told her we’ll do it upstairs so we don’t have to go by those people in that office again.  So we went upstairs.  She commented and said, “This weather”, when we were walking inside (cold and rainy, I guess).  First, though, I threw the bags away in the outside trash can and looked inside and said it was pretty gross.  She looked, too.  On the way back upstairs I told her my daughter’s coming over to make pies tonight.  She wanted to come earlier but I told her I wouldn’t be home.  She asked me if I’m having a lot of people.  No, and her.  No, she said very small.  She handed me the lid at the bathroom in her office and told me to go in and do what I need to do to it.   I got back into her office and told her I did the best I could.  I put it up against the couch.   I looked at my pants and commented how wet they were.  “At least I didn’t pee,” I told her.  She said it’s a different kind of wet.   And once while we were talking I said again how wet they were but she didn’t comment.  She asked me how that felt what we just did and the sound.  I told her it was kind of gross.  But I knew what it was and wasn’t the real thing.  I said I think I walked away when I did it.  Yes.  That’s what I always do – run away.  The splash was kind of gross, too.  She said I can do this with my grandkids at home and they don’t have to know what I’m doing.  Just that we are having fun hearing it splash.  I told her I still think the videos are good.  She nodded.  But this was enough for today and it’s too close to Thanksgiving.  I didn’t want to do any more.  So we talked about my fear and my Mom having lots of fears.  But I try my best to move away from that.  And how I’m great with other people – very calm.  My best friend wanted only me (not anyone from her family) because of it.  But I can’t when it comes to myself.  My Mom always thought something bad would happen.  Like traveling.  She wouldn’t do it and I just love it.  I decided I didn’t want to let her fears stop me.  I have fears but they are different than hers.  Earlier she had said that we have to work on the whole picture of fears – not just of throwing up.  She said we are more vulnerable to getting sick if we worry.  And I said lack of sleep will get your resistance down.  Right.  She said she has this scent for her machine that’s called thief, I think.  She started explaining that and what it is.  How the thieves were pickpocketers and they wouldn’t get sick because of it.  But the scent has evolved over the years.    But during this I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I wanted to go.  No.  She’ll watch the clock.  I did OK for a while but maybe at five minutes I really started needing to go.  She looked at me struggling, smiled and asked me, “Do you want to go?”  No.  She didn’t push it and went right on.  But when she was explaining about that I got to a point and told her I have no idea what she said and I want to know.  She said she’ll tell it again after I come back.  I told her I only heard thieves and pickpocketers.  Once she said seven minutes.  No, not yet.  Then she saw how it was really hard for me and told me it was 8 minutes.  I asked her if she thinks I can make it to 10.  She doesn’t know.  Then it was 9 minutes and I told her I needed to go – I couldn’t do it any longer.  She said, “9 is good.”    I went and came back and she finished the story.  I told her I’d like to go back and work through it.  I’m so ready for this problem and my other problem to go away.  She said I’ll know when I’m ready.  I’m ready.  Like with people I want to be able to be near them and not care – not be afraid.  The sun was setting and the light was coming in weird – an orange color.  She commented that we are talking about fears and that’s usually associated with dark.  In a bit she even had me look at the pretty clouds in the sunset.  She said we can do an exercise going through my timeline of events and I close my eyes.  It’s one session long and it depends how fast or slow we can do it again and again 3 or 4 times.  It’s not something I have to prepare for to do.  We already decided we’d start at age 2 ½ when I remembering having the Encephalitis.  I told her I think we did something like this one.  We may have.  Sometime before all this, after we got back, we talked about my son and the car.  And how I wanted to stay out.  I tried to call him a couple times but couldn’t get him.  How yesterday he was in my favorite city and favorite beach where everyone is free to be who they are.  I’m so happy for him.  My aunt said he drove away with a smile on his face.  The car only has 4,700 miles and it’s a 1998.  I asked her to guess and she said in the 20’s.  I read her the text he sent me about thanking me, love me and he and all the dogs hope to see me soon.  I was happy but I couldn’t respond to it.  She wasn’t sure that that meant at first about the dogs.  I told her and said I can’t tell him not to come.  She agreed.  And why he might not want to leave (to protect his crop and such and doesn’t trust the guy who’s living with him).  And how he’s missing out so much here and again, it means more to me than anyone else.  It turned out he did call back but I was already walking out and she didn’t even know it.    I told her we need to talk about when she’s gone.  This abandonment thing.  My friend in Germany is having surgery, she’ll be gone and the massage therapist gone all at the same time.  The other one will be there but it’s not the same and it’s only for 10 minutes.  She said yes, we have family and friends all around us but ultimately it’s just us.  So we have to use or inner child ourself or if we have a relationship with God.  I told her I think I’m going to be OK but then later if things happen I don’t think so.  I’m OK if I’m busy.  I’ve been very busy but by then things will settle down.  I told her I need a project.  She said maybe we’ll think of one.  I told her I’m giving her homework – to think of a project for me.   I quickly mentioned that I still want to go get cookies next door the time right before her surgery but it was time to go.  She sees me Saturday at 2 and my kids at 3.  I got up and almost forgot to take my plastic lid and she reminded me.  She told me Happy Thanksgiving.  I said the same.