We Are Not Alone
sometimes waking up sucks... I read your comment Gina and oh how my heart echoed what you said... Indeed dreams where I see and talk to Cara are rare now... I used to dream about Cara pretty often... and mostly I was pretty glad to have at least those moments... but now I almost hate to wake up when I've been dreaming about Cara... because when I wake up... Cara won't be here... and sometimes I feel so sad... wondering if the doctors were right and I was only hallucinating in those first couple of years... so many really clear moments it seemed when Cara was right here... I thought I could feel her leaning over my shoulder... feel the weight of her even as she rested her elbow on my shoulder and read as I wrote.... after Cara died for close to a year... the phone on my side of the bed would ding... just one or two short sharp dings... eventually I got to where I would wait for them... Cara checking in to say goodnight... sometimes but only 1 night now and then... no ding... and I'd feel pretty sad... but then the next night... here it came... it was always around the same time... every now and then the ding would be like 10-15 minutes late... and as I said occasionally Cara wouldn't check in... I had gotten so used to the idea that if she didn't check in tonight... she would tomorrow... and she did... but then one night... Cara hadn't checked in... finally I got myself ready to go to sleep... gave up... a bit sad but figured she'd call tomorrow night... 25 minutes late this time... so I laid down pulled the covers up and prepared to go to sleep... and then ding... Oh my... isn't that just like a kid... I was ecstatic.... I wrote about it in my journal... but all the journals I had printed out were lost in the flood... and they're not here on daily strength in this new site... nor my pictures... I don't even allow myself to think too much about all this...
and that is how I keep going sometimes... I pretty much just try to avoid thinking about much of anything too deeply... I guess that is what many of us do... good/bad... I don't know... just doing what I can... I hate that we hurt so much... I am grateful for the sharing... reading your posts I may cry for you but that's okay... I take heart too... I am not alone... you are not alone... we are not alone... Hugs and Prayers for all of us. Elissa
Replies
Thank you for such a tender-hearted entry, Elissa. It made me connect with my own thoughts and feelings I have been keeping from my awareness. I have had some similar experiences when Isaac first passed away. Especially once when I had prayed about wanting a sign from Isaac when I had seen others writing about it. The very next Sunday when I went to church, which was a very small congregation, the pastor and two other worship leaders were wearing variations of red and grey tones. Isaac loved black and dark red. I wouldn't expect church people to wear black and dark red, necessarily, but that aside, I knew it was not a very large likelihood that three of them would be wearing those same colors on the same Sunday, much less, on the Sunday after I had prayed that prayer. That's pretty low odds that would be just a coincidence. Not only that, the way it felt to me made it feel like it was an answer to my prayer... as though someone were there telling me, here, this is your answer. Not the words, just the feeling. Just the "knowing".
And then the same kind of thing happened after Scottie died a year and a half ago. I was more closely in contact with Scottie than I had been with Isaac before they passed away, so it seems to me that might be why I felt more often Scottie's presence than I did Isaac's right after they died. But now they both seem to me like they are still close by but not right with me like they were at first. I also have the impression that, in the order of how close I was to people in my life, is how close they are to me now. When I start to think about Scottie, Isaac is always right there with him. And my dad is not far away, but still at a bit of a distance. I think of my animals too and I don't really feel their presence like I have people but I do have a sense that they are still connected in some way.
Now I just wonder, is all of this real? What really does happen to all of us after we die? Either way, the feelings and experiences that are meaningful and significant to me are helping me process my way through the undescribably immense devastation and complete ravishment of my mind, heart, and soul after losing someone human or beast, that I love.
Elissa, as time goes on I keep thinking of how could this be the way of life now? I marvel at your ability to keep going under such hard struggles. Can the administrators get some of your photos at least because of the flood? I hope that is possible for you. Know that I am thinking of you and sending some hugs. xoxox Kathy
We come to really lean into those ways our children check in and say hello, I know. I don't remember ever knowing about the phone with its dings. That is certainly something and I understand how time goes on and sometimes these moments don't feel as frequent that it's bittersweet indeed. I feel that way about the feather that moves on our dresser and wondering when Douglas will pop in for a hello.
I take heart too in feeling that none of us are alone and that we can always come here to find compassion and depth of care. It matters because we matter as do our children.
So happy to read how you are doing and feeling, Elissa, as I've been thinking about you and are you able to do much cooking and or baking that you enjoy so much? All of what you are going through is so unsettling and exhausting and I'm sure the simple pleasures as they return are very much appreciated.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie