We are more alike than we know.........

I haven't written an entry for a year or more and it feels strange doing it now.  However, I'm thinking that maybe someone who stumbles on my journal might also benefit from what I have just shared with a gal. She needed input concerning a couple of emotional things she has been dealing with.  She contacted me out of the blue and I surprised (shocked) myself by responding to her.  It is so unlike me because I never correspond with strangers, but for some reason I made an exception in this case.   I have been participating in the Daily Strength site for a year or so now and I was surprised to receive a note from a gal who was asking about agoraphobia (being uncomfortable with the outdoors) and panic attacks.  I don't know her.....she had seen one of my comments on DS and had some concerns.  A friend mentioned DS to me because Dick suffered from panic attacks at times, as well as ALS.....and I have been dealing off and on with agoraphobia and depression.  I normally don't correspond with complete strangers, but from what she was asking and how she asked it I felt the experiences that Dick and I have had could be of help to her.  I sent her a response today and have decided to make what I wrote to her my current journal entry............ Hi.............It’s March 9th and I found your note yesterday. I sat down a little while ago to respond to your inquiry about agoraphobia and I had some kind of computer “glitch” that made  e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g  I wrote  (a number of paragraphs!)  t-o-t-a-l-ly  disappear before I could print them out.  Right now I am so frustrated....grrrrrr!! (frown)  I’m going to try again now.  I, too, have not posted much of my feelings and concerns on the agoraphobia page.  Only recently I wrote a couple of brief comments and I surprised myself when I did it.  Opening ourselves up in an unfamiliar forum can be scary since there is no way to know how what we share will be received.   I realize that this is not the right way to think because sharing feelings, asking questions and getting feedback are what Daily Strength is all about.  Maybe over time I’ll feel more comfortable about participating.  I do read comments on a couple of subjects.....and, since you found me, it seems that you also do this.  You didn’t tell me much about what you are experiencing, but from what you did say I’m thinking that I may know at least some of what you described.  As far as my sleeping is concerned, I don’t have trouble sleeping....it is a matter of being a night person.  By that I mean I have difficulty walking by myself outside in the day time.  Thank goodness we live in a safe neighborhood because I have found myself getting the mail and walking with our toy poodle at night.  It helps some to have her with me during the day, but not much.   I have to force myself when it comes to voluntarily leaving the house even though I don’t have trouble keeping appointments and commitments.  It seems that structure is important for me and knowing I have committed myself to something makes the difference.    Emotions we don’t understand make us wonder exactly who we really are at times.  I, for one, am a puzzle to myself because I’m blessed to have a support system of long-time friends who are like extended family.  However, even though I enjoy being with them, I can’t tell you the times before leaving the house that I found myself thinking over and over that I didn’t want to go to this or that.....only to find that I r-e-a-l-l-y enjoyed myself once I began participating.  I have been told often that I am liked, that I am outgoing and that I seem never to have met a stranger.  I know from the response I get that I interact well with the people I deal with on a daily basis when I’m out and about....and I don’t have to force myself to do it.  Also, Dick and I have always been “keepers” (a nicer word for pack rat...smile!) and folks know that I am always willing to be of help so they don’t hesitate contacting me when they have a need.  All of this and I still feel the need to avoid the world!!!!  There’s no logic to it!!!   I wish I understood!!!    This past week has been an awful one.  I found it hard to get myself motivated.  I did the necessary daily chores in the house and made sure to do whatever was needed for our “fuzzy, four-footed children,” but found myself feeling awful....almost hopeless....and sleeping more than I should.  I’m ashamed to say that for two or three days I felt I only wanted to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, sleep and have our poodle and kitties nearby.   I knew that this was no way to live and that I had to get back on the right emotional track.  Today,  I f-o-r-c-e-d myself to call a dear friend to ask if she wanted to meet me for lunch.   I had to fight the feeling that I might not be able to go through with it even though I knew I h-a-d to.  Forcing myself to get out today was life-saving as it always is when I’m going through something like this.  Lunch was nice, we caught up on news and then my friend came home with me to work on a photo project for her family that she wanted my input on.  I am totally wrung out tonight as far as being tired, but despite this I do feel better about myself for having gone through with it.  I should add here that my friend had absolutely no idea how I have been feeling and I never mentioned it because this is something I need to work out within myself.  One gal wrote recently that there are times when she needs to do things and she “fakes it” even though she might be feeling really bad.  I also do this when I need to.  The odd thing about this is that the times I have to “fake it” and hide that I’m feeling bad can turn out to be positive and enjoyable experiences......today was an example of this for me.  Knowing this makes it possible for me to muster up the courage to tackle the next challenge that comes along.  It’s still not easy, but building on a previous positive experience helps a lot.  Despite our best efforts and no matter how well we manage the key areas in our lives....no matter what our circumstances are....no matter how capable we are....or how well we outwardly appear to be handling the stresses in our lives, there are times when we just plain shut down.   Having said this, there’s something that comes to mind and I’ll mention it briefly because it may have some bearing on what you are asking about.  My Dick was a 6’4” tower of strength, he was kind, very capable and creative, he was well liked and I am still hearing this from folks around me about the positive impact he had on their lives, he held a very responsible position with a major corporation and he interacted well with those he worked with.   As far as anyone on the outside could tell everything was sailing along smoothly.  No one knew, but there were times when I would get a phone call where he asked me to just stay on the line and talk with him....only briefly, about anything.....just so he knew I was there.  If we were together I remember his asking me to hold him even if it was just his hand because he needed to be quiet and know that I was there for him.  At times like that he turned pale, his skin got cold and clammy and he felt sick at his stomach. These times didn’t happen on a regular basis and they didn’t last long.  It has only been in the last few years that what he was experiencing has been diagnosed as panic attacks which, to my way of thinking, are really a form of agoraphobia. He was a prime example that no matter how strong, how capable and how well we are functioning in our everyday lives we can’t always escape the effects of the pressure that life puts on us.    I understand where you are coming from as far as feeling anxious.  I can tell you most sincerely that if anyone is more uncomfortable with feeling vulnerable it has to be me.    That’s why I have asked myself how I could possibly be opening myself up to a perfect stranger.......and you probably felt this same way when you wrote to me.   I have absolutely no clue why I’m doing it except that when I read your note I started thinking that what Dick and I have experienced might in some way help you to get a handle on things.  Knowing what you are dealing with will go a long way to making your situation much less stressful.....and stress is pretty much what agoraphobia and panic attacks are all about.   I hope what I have shared will help.  I care and I hope it helps you to know that I do.  I wish you the very best,      Joanie