Way overdue update

Sooooooo much happening.

People typically start making their resolutions at the beginning right? Well, not me. I started that in September. I finally did the thing and found an institute I liked, called up, enrolled, and now here I am studying a cirtificate four in massage therapy online! I'm in a near constant state of anxiety now, but it's a good sort! It is a very positive step forwards!

For a while now it's been my aim to study massage therapy. My inspiration for such a change was an old friend called Wolfy, who passed away a little over a year ago. He was a Reiki master, my mentor and very dear friend. I'm doing it for him as much as I'm doing it for myself.

Since I started, my mind is beginning to have to scramble a bit to keep up with itself, as ideas are coming so fast that they intersected one another at every concievable angle. There's a neuronal pileup on the highways of my brain, and the more I try to slow down my thinking, the more aware I become that I cannot.

BUT I'm plodding along and I feel that this is a really positive change. My niece is growing up so fast - she's just over a year old now. My sister is slowly easing back into the workforce so I'd offered to babysit for a little pocket money a couple of nights a week. I think my body is basically functioning on microwavable meals and Red Bull.

I know it's been a while since I've been here but at least I have a little bit to report. I've got some music playing in the background right now, sipping spiced rum on ice with my mums boyfriend as a treat. Try Kraken Spiced Rum... sooooo good!

My mum has been dating a guy for a few months now and he's great. We enjoy the same kind of music, movies, beverages - if you're into cocktails then I highly reccomend an Old Fashioned. It's a cocktail you make with either a cube or teaspoon of sugar, some bitters, and a dash of water. You let it dissolve, fill the glass with ice cubes and then pour in some whiskey or brandy. Alot of people garnish it with an orange slice and maybe a cherry, but a lemon slice is a good option too.

Long story short, he was one of my dads work collegues when my family and I lived in a tiny little mining town while I was a kid. My parents went to the guys wedding. Years later, it's just so happened that my parents are divorced now and Bob was in the beginning of a divorce when he and mum decided to catch up. Then one thing led to another.

I'm not taking any medication for my depression or anxiety anymore, though I'm considering going back on something for my anxiety now that I've begun studying. I've noticed there are certain times of the day when it gets particularly bad, but I think I'll give it a little more time.

I've found that while I probably won't find living arangements quite as good as the one I'm in right now as far as lodging goes, I want to find my own place. While I'm on social security, studying, and have never rented a place on my own before, considering the doubtful little "what-if's" in my ear aren't making the decision an easy one. I really want my own space, but I'm worried that I'll be biting off more than I can chew on the financial side of things.

For my birthday this year in August my very best friend surprised me with a trip to Bali! I had thought we'd been planning on going in September. BUT all along the dear bastard was planning something for my birthday. He came over to my house early afternoon and surprised me with the tickets. I was in such a state of shock I don't think the reality of it actually hit me at all until we'd gotten OFF the plane.

It was beautiful. We spent eight days in a nice room on the second floor of a hotel I've now stayed in twice (him five times). For one day visited a temple, saw some monkeys, relaxed at a resort and did some snorkling, spent allot of time at the pool, did a bit of shopping and SO much drinking. Towards the end of the trip we got tattoos, as is our tradition. I certainly don't think that you can go just ANYWHERE and get a tattoo in Bali. No, in my honest opinion the best place to go is Big Mack Studio in Legian. Now I have six tattoos and each one has a story and a great memory behind it. I aim to get at least two more in 2017.

I am very fortunate to have accumulated a couple of lifelong friends over the years. They keep me afloat; I am very lucky. The friend I went to Bali with is who I refer to as a soulmate in friendship. I don't like to say it often because attachment isn't something I like to flaunt. I've never really been good at maintaining genuine lasting friendships so the fact that we've been friends for fourteen years is a little astounding.

When I used to see my shrink he'd diagnosed me with a few things; anxiety, depression, PTSD, haphephobia, and an attachment disorder. Apparently I aim to be as confusing as possible! Especially being haphephobic and studying massage. May irony never defeat us!

For my nieces sake I want to try and tollerate touch a little better. My thinking is that if I can actively use massage as exposure therapy I might be able to turn this from a fear into something I can just tollerate. If not, then I'll have a cirtificate four under my belt and a fall back plan on studying to become a mortician or an embalmer. I live in a city that's riddled with retirement villages and quite a few funeral homes. Theoretically, I don't think it'd be hard to find employment in that line of work.

I do have my doubts in the likeliness of graduating massage therapy. But let's chalk that to anxiety and personal doubts. I need to learn about anatomy and physiology, and so far it's the most difficult to memorize. I go through a daily panic of "OhmygodIcan'tdothisIthinkI'mdrowinghelpmerightnow" to "Okay I'll just work on what I can. Check with your best friend if you want. You know he's learnt allot of this. Take a step back and read a textbook. You know it's been a good day if you didn't need to scratch or bite anyone."

So while I sit here and tell myself that I'll try and be here more often, I CAN try! Just know that I will be busy for a while so I'm going to be doing the best I can in all areas. Bear with me. :)