WAVES OF PAIN
One day last week we went to see my hubby's heart doctor, just a check up from his open heart surgery last year. I was doing fine. We were sitting talking, I went to get some water, then the dr came. Within a few min of the doctor talking, I could feel myself starting to get upset inside. There was nothing wrong with my husband just the doctor was talking about new meds coming out old meds making people die, just reasons to see the doctor's every year after what my hubby had had done. I tried to hid what I was feeling, The feelings of trapped, wanting to cry, all the pain that one feels with the loss of our child. The searing horrible pain. You can't hid it it istronger than anything we have within us. We left the doctor's and by then I could't hold back the tears.
When we left my husband wanted to know what happened I mean he knew it was about Ken but what triggered it. My simple answer was ANYTHING.
This morning at four I woke. I was not thinking anything much other than going to the bathroom, then the puppy wanted to go out then back to bed.
What happened got in bed and in popped my mind about our wills and had a total meltdown. The tears couldn't stop. The intense pain. The thought that my son Ken was no longer going to be able to get his part of our estate, of course his children with, but it hurt so bad when I thought of it>
So again I say "WHAT TRIGGERS THE TEARS, THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYTHING, EVERYTHING. ONE WORD, ONE THOUGHT, ONE OF ANYTHING THAT BRINGS THE PAIN TO THE TOTAL SURFACE, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR DOING, SOMETHING ALWAYS CAUSES THE WAVES OF PAIN AND TEARS TO HIT YOU SO HARD AND SO UNEXPECTED AT DIFFERENT TIMES, BARELY AWAKE, TOTALLY AWAKE, IT'S A LIFE THAT HAS BEEN TAKEN TOO EARLY, BUT WE NEVER OR NEVER WANT TO FORGET OUR CHILD.
SANDI
I LOVE AND MISS YOU KENNY, MOM
w
When we left my husband wanted to know what happened I mean he knew it was about Ken but what triggered it. My simple answer was ANYTHING.
This morning at four I woke. I was not thinking anything much other than going to the bathroom, then the puppy wanted to go out then back to bed.
What happened got in bed and in popped my mind about our wills and had a total meltdown. The tears couldn't stop. The intense pain. The thought that my son Ken was no longer going to be able to get his part of our estate, of course his children with, but it hurt so bad when I thought of it>
So again I say "WHAT TRIGGERS THE TEARS, THE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANYTHING, EVERYTHING. ONE WORD, ONE THOUGHT, ONE OF ANYTHING THAT BRINGS THE PAIN TO THE TOTAL SURFACE, NO MATTER WHAT YOUR DOING, SOMETHING ALWAYS CAUSES THE WAVES OF PAIN AND TEARS TO HIT YOU SO HARD AND SO UNEXPECTED AT DIFFERENT TIMES, BARELY AWAKE, TOTALLY AWAKE, IT'S A LIFE THAT HAS BEEN TAKEN TOO EARLY, BUT WE NEVER OR NEVER WANT TO FORGET OUR CHILD.
SANDI
I LOVE AND MISS YOU KENNY, MOM
w
Replies
The triggers are so mysterious to me. Hang in honey, this does get somewhat easier as time goes by. Hugs to you my friend...Barbara
The triggers are so mysterious to me. Hang in honey, this does get somewhat easier as time goes by. Hugs to you my friend...Barbara
The triggers are so mysterious to me. Hang in honey, this does get somewhat easier as time goes by. Hugs to you my friend...Barbara
It\'s almost like we have a timetable set up in our body for triggers such as yours in which we have no control over. The tears will fall with no provocation. There are no warnings. But as doxylady has said, it does get somewhat easier as time goes by. Truly I wish you peace. Barb
I believe there are so many things in a day that can cause a trigger - it\'s hard to pinpoint one of them to avoid. I understand honey - one minute you feel ok, then the next your emotions are all over the place and the tears flow - I was sitting here one night just watching t.v., and it hit me - out of the blue - I had to find someone to talk to and I did. Honestly, being in this part of N.J. is not helping me because I see too many places, that remind me of Shaun, my mom, sister & Joshuas Dad. Just take those moments to grieve - and be easy on yourself - Praying you have a good day today. Love ya,
I never know what is going to bring them but when they do it is hard... as my son Matt said to me mom when I get really sad I think about the fun times and know that I would not give up the good times for the pain now.. love 16 year olds they are so smart... love to you my friend..
Thanks all your comments are right on!!!
Everything. Geez,how I wish I could get my husband to understand that. My coworkers, my family. Thank you soooo much just for \"getting it\" Love & hugs, Colleen
Everything & then nothing at all are the triggers. I still find myself at times with the tears - no reason why - just wipe them away & continue on. Hang in there but they are easier to deal with then when Billy first died.
Yes almost anything can trigger those thoughts and emotions. In time those triggers can also cause smiles, laughs and warm memories. Somehow we learn to be pretty darn good jugglers and can balance the emotions a little easier. Love to you friend. Robin
What I find is that, yes, the triggers come from almost nowhere and ambush you, but the tears don\'t stay all day the way they used to, when Mike first died. I still have my days when I can hardly believe this has all happened, but by and large, I\'m learning to cope. But I will never understand, until it is my turn to go up to Heaven and hopefully talk to Mike or God about it myself. Probably by then it won\'t even matter... Love and Hugs to you, Cherie
When we first lose our child we are fragile...and when we are fragile anything can \"break\" us. You will become less fragile...but it takes time to build up layers...to \"get tough\"...you are okay. You are doing the best that you can under the circumstances...gentle hugs...Karen
I agree with all who have replied....we are on a winding and bumpy ride that smooths out for a while and then gets impassable on some days. It has been just over a year for me and I am so glad the intense pain is not as constant as it was but it will occur out of the blue...I cry and then it subsides again....God be with you dear friend....and with us all....love to you...dale, brandon\'s mom
Those triggers are so very painful and yet helpful too. I always feel cleansed and more peaceful after a good trigger/cry. The pain does come in waves and I\'m sorry it\'s been so hard for you this past week. The past month has been really hard for me but Corrie\'s birthday itself (April 6th) was ok. Not wonderful but ok.
Sending love, prayers and tight hugs your way ~ Debbie
Someday maybe that will happen with me that the triggers are helpful but not yet...
I sorry for so much pain we are all going through.
Sandi