Waves

I crave talking about it. I just want to tell the story again and again and again, almost like the feeling of ripping open a scab. I dont want it to heal, I just want to keep tearing it off. I want to keep making it bleed. When it comes into my mind all I just want to say it over and over again. Talk endlessly about it. 

Of course I know this makes me look like an attention getter(as if victims of sexual abuse aren't already accused of wanting attention), and I dont even know why I need to talk about it. To be fair, I talk about everything. I have no filter. Thats how I have always been, if something comes to my mind I say it. This is on my mind a lot, and I try not to talk too much. I know everyone is tired of hearing about it. 

April is sexual assault awareness month. Which is great. Im all about awareness. But also, do you know how many triggers are out and about during a month DEDICATED to talking about sexual assault? I struggle to stop thinking about it during a normal month, but april? Its always there. 

I want to talk about it all. Every thought. Every emotion. Every memory. Specifically how it happened. How I feel wrong for wanting to remember. I want to talk about how Im afraid of forgetting the details. Everyone else talks about these things and all they want is to forget. I dont want to forget. I want to know. Maybe its my way of being in control? I'm scared Ill forget what he looks like and when he finds me (not "if", Im not sure when it stopped being "If", it use to be "if") I wont recognize him and he'll slip right in again. I'm scared that it will be less real(dont most victims want it to be less real?) if I forget details. 

I've been watching SVU and listening to rape poems to make the emotions stay fresh. Its like I dont want to lose them or I feel empty without them. 

Is this coping? is this what its supposed to be like? okay- there is no right way to heal or cope, there is no normal- but this cant be normal right? 

And then I think about him. I think about how he exists. What is he doing right now? Does he have friends? female friends? a girlfriend? is he hurting them? How can I find out? can I unblock his facebook and check? no dont do that. Youre exposing yourself. Can I make a fake account and check? no. thats not moving on or forward. dont do that. hes not your responsibility. but he is, I let him go, I didnt stop him, he hurt other girls before me, during, and after. A girl I knew about. A girl I could have warned. he hurt her and I didnt stop it. But his social media accounts is not just reopening the scab, its making the wound larger. 

I thought about talking to the other girls, the ones I know of, but they all want to forget, move on, make it less real. I want it to be real. I want to remember. I cant move on. Its apart of me now. Its here.