Wat to do wat to do...

So I've been pushing hard to get on my feet... and tried to kill all emotional attachments in the process... I was once going to Coda meetings but that stopped... It's hard to stop depending when you see the person every day... I recently found out a friend I saw as a sister fell and broke her leg... While I don't feel responsible I do feel bad as now I'm finding out that I've shut out the wrong people for someone who has hurt me repeatedly.  So I have been trying to keep in touch with my sister even though it is hard because she stays heavily medicated. I have plans but it's hard to focus just on that because I'm worried bout how someone else is going to make it... so the more I push for mine the more selfish I feel... to me it's bad but it's supposedly a good thing to be selfish sometimes they said.  I've made an offer to get myself together and she get herself together then maybe try "Us" again but of course she doesn't want that... she says that we should do it as a team but how is that possible when i feel trapped/stuck/stagnant.  I've given up on that offer as with other requests... I try to get as much loving from my boys as I can because I'm sure as soon as I get situated she's gonna take them from me again. I have repeatedly expressed my concerns/wishes about them and they too still get ignored just as I knew they would which was why I was crushed at first when I found out he was another boy... I have pretty much everything set into  place for my come up and it seems like I'll be doin it with the ppl I had growing up... my sis n grams check in on me more... I'm guessing they got the vibe I was thinking bad things again... I fear being alone more than death but I feel I'm dyin more n more everyday... I feel lost and even worse cuz she feels sum kinda way when others encourage me... but if I made the offer and she really cared wouldn't there have been an attempt made... I'm feeling that anything between us has run its course but occasionally I see a glimpse of wat I kno she cud be then the flashes of the trauma kick in and I go into hiding.  
Imma just keep pushing hopefully I won't get kicked out again... I get tired of bouncing all over...  I think that's the right thing but I'm still unsure of wat to do...