wastin away again in portsmouthville

I feel so lazy and tired all the time. i go throughout my day doing absolutely nothing and im tired of it. i know its me that can make the change but i have no motivation to do anything. its 10:00am and i probably wont do anything until 4:00 when i have a therapist appointment. it is a beautiful sunny day and i have no ideas on what to do. and the things i think of i dont have the energy or the guts to go do them. like i could go for a walk around the neighborhood, or for a run even. but i dont feel like it and i dont think id last very long... plus i dont like to be seen by my neighbors. its weird i know. but im embarrassed or ashamed or something. i dont have a car so i cant go out and do anything. and i cant (or wont) call up a friend because my old friends im afraid to talk to because i dread any questions that reveal my illness (bipolar). so i feel stuck. very stuck. and bad about myself because i feel like my life is pathetic and its all my fault. sometimes i go to a fantasy place and think well if i were not living at home and i lived in a city somewhere or if i was traveling or if i had a car.. things would be different. but would they? i dono..