Was I really That Bad Of A Person......?
As I awoke this morning, about 3-4 hours ago, the first couple seconds of sitting up on the bed, looking outside my bedroom window, seeing the overcast sky, the moving of the tree tips and noticing the wind, everything was starting out as "business as usual"! But about a minute or two after waking up feeling okay, a little tiny thought drifted into my mind........"was I really that bad of a person, as to not want to be with"?
Oh boy, that little tiny though has now snow balled into a huge thing that is really pissing me off! Seriously, was I all that bad of guy, as to not want to be with, or better yet, was I that bad of a guy as to not stay and fight for? Why was it that in the end, it all boiled down to the money! The moment I stopped allowing money to go to her folks, that was it, it was done, over, finished. But it wasn't finished all at once, no, no, no, they had to be slick about it, start up with their "cloak and dagger" games, start up with their late night private secret phone calls on how best deal with Aaron and how best to get her out of here!
Towards the end, and during the time period from her announcing at my Mom's that we were over, to the time that she boarded her Ohio bound plane and was out of here, everyone on her side of the fence made it all out to be "my fault", when in all truthful actuality I really didn't do anything wrong, other than practice a little common sense what it came stopping the out flow of money to her parents, due to us at the time having our own money problems. Was I really being that bad of a person?
Granted, and being totally honest here, I do at times have my faults. I'm not at all times totally a nice or good person! At times I might not have had the best attitudes, at times I might not have been a total "team player", at times ((within a couple of waking up)) I might not be the best communicator, I might have said "no" to a couple things along the way, at times I might not have had enough money as to do everything she wanted to do, at times I might had been a little verbally intimidating, but where in all of that does it warrant someone to just jump ship and leave me?
I'm guilty of nothing other than being a "normal person"! Where about being "normal" did these people not get, where does it say in their rule book of life that the moment someone behaves normally, that's it, the relationship is over? What in the world was so bad about making us try to live from time to time in the world of normalcy? Is it so bad that a person uses a good dose of "common sense" and perhaps stops the out flow of money to ones parents, all on the premise that I wanted to save the already drying up money as to help cover "our" bills and not someone else's! Was I being that mean, that tough, that terrible, that evil by trying to use common sense and practicing normalcy?
Still, to this day, almost 4 months after she walked out of what used to be "our front door" for the last and final time, from that moment to now, sometimes I wonder was I really that bad of a person, was I all that bad as to make someone not want me, or not stay and fight for me, or hold their ground against their parents as to stick up for me, as to stick up for us? I still at times just shake my head in disbelief about how people can be that way!
You know my Family, Friends and myself gave my ex-faince experiences and things and such that she has never had, nor could ever have had if left alone in her upstairs bedroom all her life. We poured our hearts, our emotions and our resources into her! We gave her tons of life long "1st's"......we gave her so much, showed her what a normal family looks like, I showed her what hanging out with normal "real world" friends looked like, I showed her what living on ones own looked like, so much that I can't even list.
I know I'm probably doing nothing more than pissing in the wind about all of this, after all...."it's over" it's done, it's finished, and in many ways I have moved on! It's just those rare moments such as this, that thoughts like this trickle into my mind and make me go......"hmmmmmmmmm"!
I honestly don't think I was all that bad, after the fact I now know that I was up against a pretty sadistic and narcissistic person with her Father. I know I was up against a pretty torn, battered and beaten "batter wife syndrome'd out" person with her Mother. And I know feel 90% to 95% confident that I was engaged to a person who suffers from some sociopathic tenancy's and who suffers primarily from a spectrum disorder known as D.P.D. or known as "Dependent personality disorder"! Either way, she suffers a whole lot of a little bit everything from that. I was up against the domestically troubled and violent home she was raised in, I was up against the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of both parents and Sisters. I was up against her once being a "cutter" and damaging her vaginal area and the gaps in her memory to it all, tell tell indications of past sexual abuse, I was up against her being pulled out of school in the 2nd grade, for reasons I still don't know, so she came to me with a very limited set of skills and a limited scope of thinking and thought.
If anything, and the only reason why I listed all or at least at most of what I was up against is to possibly.......maybe.......just maybe turn this around and add some "reverse psychology" to it! If anything, seeing what I was up against at the very start, finding out a lot of things I was up against along the way, in the end, and with turning this around.............maybe I could look upon this as maybe "she was really that bad of person"! Maybe she wasn't worth staying and fighting for! Maybe she wasn't worth standing up against people and sticking up for!
But even with the reverse psychology, I know I tried, I know I gave it a good honest shot, and even with reversing things around and thinking that maybe she wasn't worth it, even with that, even with all I was up against, it didn't change the fact that I loved her! I gave her my love, my friendship, my companionship, my home, my things, my time, my efforts, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my family, my friends, my worry's, my doubts, my secrets, my money, my mind and my body and my soul...............I gave it all!
Not bad for a person who apparently was all that bad, not bad for a person who apparently wasn't worth staying and fighting for, not bad for a person who wasn't worth sticking up for against other people!
But to some, I guess I'm just that bad!
Oh boy, that little tiny though has now snow balled into a huge thing that is really pissing me off! Seriously, was I all that bad of guy, as to not want to be with, or better yet, was I that bad of a guy as to not stay and fight for? Why was it that in the end, it all boiled down to the money! The moment I stopped allowing money to go to her folks, that was it, it was done, over, finished. But it wasn't finished all at once, no, no, no, they had to be slick about it, start up with their "cloak and dagger" games, start up with their late night private secret phone calls on how best deal with Aaron and how best to get her out of here!
Towards the end, and during the time period from her announcing at my Mom's that we were over, to the time that she boarded her Ohio bound plane and was out of here, everyone on her side of the fence made it all out to be "my fault", when in all truthful actuality I really didn't do anything wrong, other than practice a little common sense what it came stopping the out flow of money to her parents, due to us at the time having our own money problems. Was I really being that bad of a person?
Granted, and being totally honest here, I do at times have my faults. I'm not at all times totally a nice or good person! At times I might not have had the best attitudes, at times I might not have been a total "team player", at times ((within a couple of waking up)) I might not be the best communicator, I might have said "no" to a couple things along the way, at times I might not have had enough money as to do everything she wanted to do, at times I might had been a little verbally intimidating, but where in all of that does it warrant someone to just jump ship and leave me?
I'm guilty of nothing other than being a "normal person"! Where about being "normal" did these people not get, where does it say in their rule book of life that the moment someone behaves normally, that's it, the relationship is over? What in the world was so bad about making us try to live from time to time in the world of normalcy? Is it so bad that a person uses a good dose of "common sense" and perhaps stops the out flow of money to ones parents, all on the premise that I wanted to save the already drying up money as to help cover "our" bills and not someone else's! Was I being that mean, that tough, that terrible, that evil by trying to use common sense and practicing normalcy?
Still, to this day, almost 4 months after she walked out of what used to be "our front door" for the last and final time, from that moment to now, sometimes I wonder was I really that bad of a person, was I all that bad as to make someone not want me, or not stay and fight for me, or hold their ground against their parents as to stick up for me, as to stick up for us? I still at times just shake my head in disbelief about how people can be that way!
You know my Family, Friends and myself gave my ex-faince experiences and things and such that she has never had, nor could ever have had if left alone in her upstairs bedroom all her life. We poured our hearts, our emotions and our resources into her! We gave her tons of life long "1st's"......we gave her so much, showed her what a normal family looks like, I showed her what hanging out with normal "real world" friends looked like, I showed her what living on ones own looked like, so much that I can't even list.
I know I'm probably doing nothing more than pissing in the wind about all of this, after all...."it's over" it's done, it's finished, and in many ways I have moved on! It's just those rare moments such as this, that thoughts like this trickle into my mind and make me go......"hmmmmmmmmm"!
I honestly don't think I was all that bad, after the fact I now know that I was up against a pretty sadistic and narcissistic person with her Father. I know I was up against a pretty torn, battered and beaten "batter wife syndrome'd out" person with her Mother. And I know feel 90% to 95% confident that I was engaged to a person who suffers from some sociopathic tenancy's and who suffers primarily from a spectrum disorder known as D.P.D. or known as "Dependent personality disorder"! Either way, she suffers a whole lot of a little bit everything from that. I was up against the domestically troubled and violent home she was raised in, I was up against the physical abuse she suffered at the hands of both parents and Sisters. I was up against her once being a "cutter" and damaging her vaginal area and the gaps in her memory to it all, tell tell indications of past sexual abuse, I was up against her being pulled out of school in the 2nd grade, for reasons I still don't know, so she came to me with a very limited set of skills and a limited scope of thinking and thought.
If anything, and the only reason why I listed all or at least at most of what I was up against is to possibly.......maybe.......just maybe turn this around and add some "reverse psychology" to it! If anything, seeing what I was up against at the very start, finding out a lot of things I was up against along the way, in the end, and with turning this around.............maybe I could look upon this as maybe "she was really that bad of person"! Maybe she wasn't worth staying and fighting for! Maybe she wasn't worth standing up against people and sticking up for!
But even with the reverse psychology, I know I tried, I know I gave it a good honest shot, and even with reversing things around and thinking that maybe she wasn't worth it, even with that, even with all I was up against, it didn't change the fact that I loved her! I gave her my love, my friendship, my companionship, my home, my things, my time, my efforts, my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my family, my friends, my worry's, my doubts, my secrets, my money, my mind and my body and my soul...............I gave it all!
Not bad for a person who apparently was all that bad, not bad for a person who apparently wasn't worth staying and fighting for, not bad for a person who wasn't worth sticking up for against other people!
But to some, I guess I'm just that bad!
Replies