Was Feeling better, but..
Today I was feeling okay until a couple of minutes ago. I was sending a message to a friend, and I was talking about Geo and the surgery and how we had hopes of him getting it done soon with this new surgeon. Well, the surgeon doesn't take his insurance, so that was that. We are at zero again... with the old insurance we at least had a surgeon, even if he wasn't willing to work on Geo until he was under 500 pounds. I don't like his new insurance, and he's only had it since January. His old one went out of business or something and so he was forced to pick a new one. We only had 2 choices, and so he went with Coventry. I don't like them too much. For Geo's pills, they won't cover 1 40mg pill but they do cover 2 20mg pills. So we had to go back to the doctor and get him to write a new prescription for the new dose. It's stupid. Why would one be covered and not the other? You have to take twice as many pills the other way. It just doesn't make sense. Then again, I'm trying to apply sense to American health care, which is horrible and nonsensical.
I got all my stuff ready for work for the week, and now this depression hits. I don't know how I'm going to wake up tomorrow, if I'm going to be good to go to work, or if I'm going to have to call out again. I hate this. I hate this depression, and I want it gone. I haven't really had to deal with working this time of year for 3 years since I was always fired in early February. Then I spent from February to August looking for a job and then in August I would get hired again. So I haven't been trying to work at this time since 2008, actually, so 4 years. That's back when I was with Miami Air, and I was dealing with other problems. The hallucinations have calmed down a bit (but they are still there.... I saw imaginary bugs flying all over the tub when I was taking my bath tonight) but the depression is worse. The hopelessness is there, when it wasn't before.
I used to always have hope. Now I don't have hope for some things, like my life ever resuming something normal. I always wanted to be normal. Work, come home, cook, kids, school..... just an average life. I really want kids, but at the same time do I want to have kids with what I have? Would I be able to deal with them and not go crazy? The last thing I would want is to have my kids taken away, which happened to a woman I know with just depression. She had to go to the hospital right after she had her baby, and her husband couldn't take care of it. So the courts got involved, sent him to a foster home, and recently went back to court and lost custody of him. She tries to see that he's in a better place now, but she's devastated. I know I would be too. That would be enough to put me in the hospital for months, if not years.
I didn't get much done today. I did go back to the grocery store and got some things we forgot, but other than that I just stayed in bed. Somehow I felt like I had accomplished more than the other day when I felt lazy. I think that's because the house was cleaner, so I could see that I had at least done something. I didn't feel as worn out, either. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to, not because I didn't have the energy to do anything else. I'm trying to figure out my pattern of good days and bad so I can be stronger on the bad days. If I know it's coming, maybe I can get some extra oomph to get me through. I thought today was a good day until tonight came. I didn't go for my walk, either. I'm going to make up for it by going to the gym tomorrow- hopefully after work. If not, then during the day when I won't be seen by people at work. The only thing that sucks about working across the street is that everyone can see you if you are out when they are leaving work.
Food today was good... I did have a lot of bad food, but it was not in too large amounts. I had tortilla chips and dip for breakfast and dinner (with chili at dinner) and I had this Thai noodle thing for lunch. I'm low on protein, but good on everything else. I had a couple of bananas for snacks. I have heartburn from the chili beans, but it was good. I've been getting heartburn a lot lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's my new pills? I'm not sure. All I know is that I should see a doctor about it eventually. It could be my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) acting up again and I should just take some OTC pills. That's what my doctor said to do last time anyway.
I got all my stuff ready for work for the week, and now this depression hits. I don't know how I'm going to wake up tomorrow, if I'm going to be good to go to work, or if I'm going to have to call out again. I hate this. I hate this depression, and I want it gone. I haven't really had to deal with working this time of year for 3 years since I was always fired in early February. Then I spent from February to August looking for a job and then in August I would get hired again. So I haven't been trying to work at this time since 2008, actually, so 4 years. That's back when I was with Miami Air, and I was dealing with other problems. The hallucinations have calmed down a bit (but they are still there.... I saw imaginary bugs flying all over the tub when I was taking my bath tonight) but the depression is worse. The hopelessness is there, when it wasn't before.
I used to always have hope. Now I don't have hope for some things, like my life ever resuming something normal. I always wanted to be normal. Work, come home, cook, kids, school..... just an average life. I really want kids, but at the same time do I want to have kids with what I have? Would I be able to deal with them and not go crazy? The last thing I would want is to have my kids taken away, which happened to a woman I know with just depression. She had to go to the hospital right after she had her baby, and her husband couldn't take care of it. So the courts got involved, sent him to a foster home, and recently went back to court and lost custody of him. She tries to see that he's in a better place now, but she's devastated. I know I would be too. That would be enough to put me in the hospital for months, if not years.
I didn't get much done today. I did go back to the grocery store and got some things we forgot, but other than that I just stayed in bed. Somehow I felt like I had accomplished more than the other day when I felt lazy. I think that's because the house was cleaner, so I could see that I had at least done something. I didn't feel as worn out, either. I just stayed in bed because I wanted to, not because I didn't have the energy to do anything else. I'm trying to figure out my pattern of good days and bad so I can be stronger on the bad days. If I know it's coming, maybe I can get some extra oomph to get me through. I thought today was a good day until tonight came. I didn't go for my walk, either. I'm going to make up for it by going to the gym tomorrow- hopefully after work. If not, then during the day when I won't be seen by people at work. The only thing that sucks about working across the street is that everyone can see you if you are out when they are leaving work.
Food today was good... I did have a lot of bad food, but it was not in too large amounts. I had tortilla chips and dip for breakfast and dinner (with chili at dinner) and I had this Thai noodle thing for lunch. I'm low on protein, but good on everything else. I had a couple of bananas for snacks. I have heartburn from the chili beans, but it was good. I've been getting heartburn a lot lately and I don't know why. Maybe it's my new pills? I'm not sure. All I know is that I should see a doctor about it eventually. It could be my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) acting up again and I should just take some OTC pills. That's what my doctor said to do last time anyway.
Replies
Im sorry you are feeling the depression so much tonight. You have alot of things youre dealing with... the worry about Geo and then about work and if you will be able to do it tomarrow...try to use some positive statements you stayed within your calorie range, you did get alot accomplished this weekend..and just because today is a tough day to deal with all the things you have on your mind tomarrow is a whole norther day and work can help to feel for grounded in your routine as well as excersicing might be helpful in lifting a bit of the depression... Hugggggggzzzz
Well that is a bummer about Geo\'s insurance! Is there a chance he can switch to the other choice he had at some future date? Usually there is a once a year time period for such switches. Either way hopefully he will continue to work at losing weight on his own.
I hope you find the key to making your days better by searching for what you can do to improve your moods. It seems the effort you put into cleaning has made you feel better about your world and you might work on that more. Something that you can see everyday and feel a sense of accomplishment.
HUGS and wishing you a great day!