Wanting to Rant, or Curl up until the World Goes Away

I don't vent here often as it doesn't do me or you any real good. Sometimes it helps to get it out in the open and share however. I am no princess, no fount of information, no heroine. I am just as vulnerable as the next person. So here goes...what is on my mind. Don't want to hear it? Don't read it.
I, as most of you know from previous entries, have been trying to catch up on general health tests and procedures that were shoved to the side over the past three years as I dealt with catastrophic spine structure failure and cyst removal from within my spinal cord area. I fell apart emotionally after the first one, relying on God to drag me from my despair and loneliness as everyone I though was my friend deserted me. I did have two who stick with me, praise God.
I have since had two more spinal surgeries and two open hand surgeries. Each time I must make a conscious effort to fight for survival. I am doing okay now. 
I must confess today a different frustration. DDD is insidious. You don't realize how many other parts of your body will be affected, some by the very medications you trust to help you. My prednisone usage to combat inflammation after surgery or for pain, which doesn't help me personally by the way; has leached the calcium from my bones leaving me with osteopenia and at risk of bone fractures if I fall. So far it's only in my left femur. I was to be put on Fosamax. I became concerned by the lawsuit pending with this drug and talked to my pharmacist whom I have trusted with my medications for over 10 years. She didn't want me to take this dangerous drug until I had talked with my 'bone doctor'. I called Dr. Smith's office and they returned my call. The girl was snarky with me which meant I unfortunately returned the favor. I am embarressed to reveal that. She told me that a pharmacist has no training to tell me what to take or not take if a doctor has prescribed something. TRUTH: The pharmacists are PAs, fully trained to diagnose and treat conditions as well as being trained in drug interactions and to be trusted. NOTE: if you can't go to a doctor, see a pharmacist for free. They can diagnose and then refer you to a doctor if an over the counter medication isn't indicated for what ails you. I was appalled by this little minion's rude behavior. She doesn't know what this drug does. It makes the bone in your jaw die...yes you read that correctly. If I already have severe facet degeneration why would I ever want to add to my problems. 
I have several appointments scheduled with new doctors this month and next. A new primary care physician, a new gastroenterologist and I pray they can give me at least a second opinion and better treatment. 
I see Smith as well. I promise to be nice to the minion. I promise, I promise, I promise. 
In the meantime, I have thoughts of my care and the decisions I must make circling in my brain. Not good at 3am. I am already setting alarms to take meds, forgetting to take some and in pain but wary to take anything more as I fear the long term consequences. sigh...DDD is a nasty %@#$%.  I want to hate her/it but must get on board the runaway train and settle in for the journey. I so want to take over the train and put the brakes on before the bridge is out completely and I require serious medical and perhaps mental intervention. Ha ha. 
I know I'm not alone in this, the frustration over doctor's who smile and love on you one minute while turning their backs on you and talking to the intern rather that to your face if they can't help you; the anguish at 2am without relief from any source, medicine or otherwise; the blank stares you get when you try to tell someone about your condition and why you can't help them carry 80 boxes up 6 flights of stairs or make it to church on a sunny Sunday, or why you can't stop squirming at a lovely lunch with friends and no, it isn't because you have to use the loo; or the quiet, the silence, the lonely days when others go to do fun things and you find out afterwards they didn't include you because of your condition. Yep!! Let's celebrate DDD. It's a real party man. 
Now, before you all think I've lost it for good, here are the benefits of DDD. Your reading time increases. You can critique every episode on telly. You have made a close pal of your pet and think for sure they do talk to you...or is that the oxycodone? You Pinterest the oddest things at 5am and enjoy looking at it when well rested. You make friends with strangers in doctor's offices who have worse conditions and walk away relieved. You develop a one to one relationship with your Creator, either crying out Why? or finding peace in the void of an answer. I choose the later, by the way. I don't need to know why, just how...how to take my eyes off myself and firmly watch Him work in me. You learn to enjoy food made by others no matter what it is as you didn't have to cook it yourself. You appreciate the little things, like epson salt baths you now get from the dollar store as you can no longer afford the stuff from the Body Shop. You stockpile, from thrift stores and even the freebies at the doctor's offices; magazines for those times you are heavily medicated as your attention span is that of a gnat now. You have downsized everything that isn't nailed down or necessary for daily life due to bills needing to be paid; then did it again so you don't have to dust it. Dusting books for me is easy as a friend buys me those expensive Swiffer dusters. You accept any and all requests for lunch out as without those, your social life wouldn't exist. However, you do still play Goldilocks with the restaurant chairs...fun times! You find your spouse asking who you are talking to and you say the dog whether he is in the room or now...saves on the explanation that you are trying to remember why you are there. It is so nice to talk to yourself, you think, as you don't talk back or give unnecessary medical advice, or tell you that you don't look sick, or ask stupid questions like "so, you're fixed now, right?" Seriously, if I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me that I'd be able to pay my medical bills.  And, really...fixed? am I a pet? Just so you know, yes, I am. I should say that and see them squirm. It might be funny. Oh, there is so much more I could go on for days here, but mercifully for you, I won't.
The reality of DDD is that is sucks, big time. It won't however get the best of me, only the parts that don't touch my soul. God and I are together on this.