Wanting to Give Up
Last "weekend" (Huz's days off) was argument fest. We couldn't get anything done without breaking into some sort of argument. It was frustrating and heart breaking. At the end, I told H that I was really frustrated and disappointed in our lack of problem solving skills. I also told him that it was supposed to be OUR time together. His days off the week prior I had made a point of letting him know I needed some US time and that I was feeling very disconnected.
No go.
I thought this week would be better. Notsomuch.
Because last week had gone so wretchedly, the whole "triggers" subject came up so H is back on the "OK let's just move" bandwagon. Don't get me wrong - there's merit to that, but what he doesn't get is that I've been building a life and a reputation for myself. I have spent the last six plus years with the same volunteer organization and have become "the go to girl" for a lot of things. Walking away from that will be heartbreaking and even though I can volunteer "anywhere" - I like what I have been doing HERE. I have an investment HERE.
I am also sad to leave our house. We'll never be able to get another house as big or as "perfect" - from the first moment we walked into this house I knew it was HOME. We've discussed all of our options in regards to the house and looked into various programs available, and our only option at this point is literally walking out on the house if we want to move elsewhere. What this will do to us financially is absolutely devastating.
And yet. Still might be worth it, because having to deal with OW *ever* at *any point* ends up ripping all the old wounds open fresh.
The thing is, if we could negotiate this potential move together and if I felt like we were going through it as a "team" I'd feel a LOT more optimistic and enthusiastic. Instead, we bicker and argue and are hurtful and mean. WTH is the point? If that's how it's going to be, I don't really want to be married to him, anyway.
I see the ways he's "trying" to make things work, but it feels like he's trying to fill a bucket with a thimble and the bucket has a hole in it to boot. It's just not enough. And all the hurtful stuff is causing what love I have for him to drain away. Unless something drastically changes, I can't envision a happy future, no matter how hard I try.
No go.
I thought this week would be better. Notsomuch.
Because last week had gone so wretchedly, the whole "triggers" subject came up so H is back on the "OK let's just move" bandwagon. Don't get me wrong - there's merit to that, but what he doesn't get is that I've been building a life and a reputation for myself. I have spent the last six plus years with the same volunteer organization and have become "the go to girl" for a lot of things. Walking away from that will be heartbreaking and even though I can volunteer "anywhere" - I like what I have been doing HERE. I have an investment HERE.
I am also sad to leave our house. We'll never be able to get another house as big or as "perfect" - from the first moment we walked into this house I knew it was HOME. We've discussed all of our options in regards to the house and looked into various programs available, and our only option at this point is literally walking out on the house if we want to move elsewhere. What this will do to us financially is absolutely devastating.
And yet. Still might be worth it, because having to deal with OW *ever* at *any point* ends up ripping all the old wounds open fresh.
The thing is, if we could negotiate this potential move together and if I felt like we were going through it as a "team" I'd feel a LOT more optimistic and enthusiastic. Instead, we bicker and argue and are hurtful and mean. WTH is the point? If that's how it's going to be, I don't really want to be married to him, anyway.
I see the ways he's "trying" to make things work, but it feels like he's trying to fill a bucket with a thimble and the bucket has a hole in it to boot. It's just not enough. And all the hurtful stuff is causing what love I have for him to drain away. Unless something drastically changes, I can't envision a happy future, no matter how hard I try.
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