Wanting to get high

I need to recognize that I have a problem with addiction.
Food, specifically high sugar foods, and pain killers.  If I could take pain pills all day long, I would. I just have felt no relaxed, so free of that heavy angst that I totally want to take a couple pills every 4 hours.
 
It is not good.  I know that intellectually but the need to escape overrides my intellect.
The pain has been so wretched for so long that it is no wonder I want to check-out, physically and mentally and emotionally.
If I had the money I would hire someone to run my life for a while so I could rest.
This afternoon I'm just chilling out on the sofa with my computer and a cold drink (no alcohol, though I've even thought of that!  I'm such a freaking mess!) and taking it easy.
I should be up doing productive things.  I should have this effing house clean and all kinds of things but I can't move.  It feels good to just be here.  The guilt is not strong enough to move me anymore.  Does that mean the darkness is winning?
dea