Want to give up
This is quite hard to write. I've only just recently came out of ip (23rd Dec) and already I want to restrict like hell again. But I'm in total despair at the moment because even though I REALLY want and believe I will restrict again, I haven't started yet. Things got out of control before xmas with family stuff but despite that I went home on time and wanted to make it the best possible xmas we could. With my Nan passing away it was always going to be hard and I didn't want to make it harder by not eating as soon as I came home. So I forced myself too, with the intention of restricting again after New Year. But obviously keeping up with everyone else's meal times over xmas has made me put on a couple of pounds and I feel so horrible now.I keep getting to evenings and promising myself that I will restrict the next day, but then I get up and carry on with my meal plan throughout the day, just to go through hell in the night again!The evenings and nights are getting unbearable. I can't stand being like this...I feel so out of control. I want to be back at my admission weight, I HATE myself so much!I'm also scared that because I'm not at a dangerous weight anymore, when I get this depressed, I'm more likely to end up in a general ward which just terrifies me. The suicidal thoughts and planning is just getting out of hand but I don't want to tell anyone. All I want to do is restrict again to get things back under control!
Replies
I really hope you can keep up with sticking with your meal plan even though the urge to restrict seems very strong. But you have to tell yourself that once you start it will be your downfall and you will end up IP again. I\'m not talking about a slip but about the plan to restrict to get to your admission weight. You worked so hard don\'t throw it all away. You have to talk to a professional about your suicidal thoughts and if you need to be safe please don\'t hesitate to go to a mental place. I\'ve been there, it\'s not too bad - better than being dead I\'m sure.
Sorry your xmas was anything but perfect. Coming out of IP is so tough because all of a sudden you have all the responsibility on your shoulders instead of the nurses telling you what to do.
Hang in there girlie. I\'m glad you journaled.
i remember coming home from treatment and feeling like this...but please keep reminding urself that their goal is not to make u fat...the meal plan is not there to make u fat...its to hold u accountable for ur own health...to make sure ur body gets what it needs....y would their goal be to make u fat? at the end of the day ur weight does not make a difference in their own lives....but it does in ur life...and im not talking about being overweight cuz im willing to bet u r no where near that ...what im talking about is the fact that being underweight can end ur life...so please please please keep with the meal plan...if ur weight came on unevenly as mine did when i went to treatment take peace in knowing that over a short period of time that will distribute out and u wont feel so weird about it....dont let all of ur hard work and ur time that u spent in treatment go to waste!!! u can do this..u have the tools to beat this disease...now use them!