Want to give up
This is quite hard to write. I've only just recently came out of ip (23rd Dec) and already I want to restrict like hell again. But I'm in total despair at the moment because even though I REALLY want and believe I will restrict again, I haven't started yet. Things got out of control before xmas with family stuff but despite that I went home on time and wanted to make it the best possible xmas we could. With my Nan passing away it was always going to be hard and I didn't want to make it harder by not eating as soon as I came home. So I forced myself too, with the intention of restricting again after New Year. But obviously keeping up with everyone else's meal times over xmas has made me put on a couple of pounds and I feel so horrible now.I keep getting to evenings and promising myself that I will restrict the next day, but then I get up and carry on with my meal plan throughout the day, just to go through hell in the night again!The evenings and nights are getting unbearable. I can't stand being like this...I feel so out of control. I want to be back at my admission weight, I HATE myself so much!I'm also scared that because I'm not at a dangerous weight anymore, when I get this depressed, I'm more likely to end up in a general ward which just terrifies me. The suicidal thoughts and planning is just getting out of hand but I don't want to tell anyone. All I want to do is restrict again to get things back under control!
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