Want to Escape
I do not drink. I have occasionally drank in the past but it was during a rebellious period in my life when I was not active in my church and was not participating in it's beliefs. Well, I am active in my church, now. I know that for me, drinking alcohol is not right. I cannot see any good to come from it. But tonight as I'm dealing with my husband being an a-hole and my daughter being a selfish jerk, I'm thinking how nice it would be to have a rum & diet Coke or something along those lines and just get a good buzz going. I want to think and feel nothing but NUMB.
I know that my whole body is in escape mode. I don't want to die, but I want to stop being alive. I think maybe that's because I'm feeling dead inside.
And my husband's driving me crazy. Little guy is, too, but he's little. I can put him to bed soon.
How can I escape? I'm out of the good pain pills. I would feel too guilty (and get a horrid hangover headache) if I drank, so... What to do? My brain won't concentrate.
I should have just called the doctor yesterday and said, I can't take this anymore. Fix me or put me in a hospital or SOMETHING.
Must get little guy out of husband's deconstruction of our shower project. OMGosh. THe pounding.
dea
I know that my whole body is in escape mode. I don't want to die, but I want to stop being alive. I think maybe that's because I'm feeling dead inside.
And my husband's driving me crazy. Little guy is, too, but he's little. I can put him to bed soon.
How can I escape? I'm out of the good pain pills. I would feel too guilty (and get a horrid hangover headache) if I drank, so... What to do? My brain won't concentrate.
I should have just called the doctor yesterday and said, I can't take this anymore. Fix me or put me in a hospital or SOMETHING.
Must get little guy out of husband's deconstruction of our shower project. OMGosh. THe pounding.
dea
Replies
You mentioned that you go to church now and that is a good first step to trying to regain the strength that you somehow seemed to have lost. I to have a belief in Christ but I to am not at all perfect either. I do things I know are wrong and still do them but I also know that the journey to heaven is never ending work and god understand that. I feel sorry for you that you seem to not get the support from your husband that you wish you would get and that your daughter is hurting you as well but do not let them break your faith. If they start a fight with you simply do not reply. Ignore them and go on to do something happy. Show them that they alone cannot break your faith. Understand that you WILL give into temptation at times all Christians do and god understands that..he does not expect you to be perfect. When you give in to bad thoughts or drinking remember god will always forgive you if you admit to him that you were weak and there is no limit to his forgiveness. I leave this poem for you to read and hopefully inspire you and give you strength. From this point on Deanna have the heart of a lion and not a lamb. Because you believe in Christ the devil wants you even more than any non believer as they already doomed themselves to hell. That alone makes your battles even more difficult and satan will come after you with everything he\'s got. I know this from my own life and the struggles I have had to endure but thank god I have overcome so many problems as of late but yet I am always still aware satan is standing right there over my shoulder just waiting for an opportunity to make me fall. Here is that poem, hope you like it.
If only I knew how\'s it going to be
If only when I try to fix things, they became better
If only I was certain of how others feel
And if only people believed what I say...
If I knew how to show what I really felt
If I knew how to make people understand
If I knew how to make them believe
If I knew how to make them happy
If making people happy doesn\'t leave me sad
If making them understand doesn\'t make me an ignorant
If making them believe doesn\'t make me a liar
And if letting them know how I feel doesn\'t leave me numb
Things would\'ve never reached that point
I know I would be in a much happier place
No one would ever blame me for not caring
No one would blame me for not thinking
That\'s life ....You\'re never certain
You never know, you\'re never sure
You\'re not going to live that dream of yours
And life would never be \"trouble free\"
You have to live with what you have
You try to fix the broken glass
You try to collect the shattered pieces
You make the best of everyday
It\'s like a train that never stops
Keep going through life without pausing
Just live each day and throw it behind you
Don\'t look back or you\'ll break your neck
Thanks. :-)