Waning.

I hate this. I hate living like this, waking up in the morning and having the strength to get through the day peacefully or at least okly only to come home and crash like I'm about to end it all. I hate feeling so alone in my depression and anxiety. People always say that if I need them then I can lean, but I always manage to lean too hard even just be it one time and then the situation turns into me comforting them. They may want to be able to help me, but all they can do is provide "fixes/solutions" instead of just listening to me and providing a hug. My depression and anxiety burdens them, it makes them sad. They don't want to be sad or listen to things that will make them realize how sad they are or used to be. They want to see me grow and do well so that they don't have to face the reality that sadness exists in the world. But I'm suffering. I'm waning. I do not want to live this life, not for others and not for myself. I want this pain and suffering to end once and for all. I get it, I should look for and appreciate the little things that lift my mood or help me get through the day, but when the night brings hurricanes of suicidal thoughts and self harm... I am no match for my own storms. These winds always return, just like they've been doing for the past 11 years. I've tried to sail my ship to land for too long. I am weak. I am lost. I am done. I know this isn't the storm that will sink me, but I know the one that will is coming and I am waiting, longing for it. Please, take me home and let me rest at last.

I'm sorry.