Walking away sick
So... it's not a win situation.
So... you want me to deny everything about myself and my experience and pretend it doesn't exist? That is what it feels like you are saying.
I choke back saying things like.. grow up. I hate that I even have that thought. But omg. Guess what. You can't override someone else's existing, thoughts, feelings, experience just because you want to win at something that you can't win at without annihilating the other person. I keep hearing through my head.. he's just not at a place or ready to hear and listen.. but God.. that sounds exactly like 2012. That dreadful year where I didn't matter, I didn't exist, I was the punching bag, the thing that only existed for you and was not allowed to have independent anger and thought and space. I'm not going back into that place. I feel sick right now. I feel like I'm giving up part of myself. I feel like I am not allowed to be a person, or be myself. I got nothing tonight. Instead, I got a box and told that I need to fall in line. Guess what? You're going to have to live with the ambiguity, and not being right or cool or in control all the time. Guess what, sometimes it's me, sometimes it's my experience that is going to matter. I need to see it matter. I need to see it matter while you still have your times of control and initiating. I need to be an equal on this.
Bad times following on the heels of good times... ever think that good times existed because I was catering to you, denying myself, and then afterwards, I asked you to consider me, and it failed miserably and ended up being a bad time?
I have a bad taste in my mouth after tonight, walking away I wanted to cry. I hated myself, I hated being back in the spot where I cannot voice my own opinion. You better ask to see me, you better show me that my side matters too. I'm not going back in my box.
Why do you have to try to beat me up and make me not matter? Why is that your compulsion?
Yes, things about sex hurt, I am confused, you did things that hurt, you're not right 100% of the time. Guess what you're going to have to live with that and then find the space where sex and wanting can still be great. You have to like and forgive you, not have me be your servant and starry eyed blind fan. You need to give yourself worth, not rob it at the expense of me.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201506/what-drives-emotional-abuse-in-relationships?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost
Anger and abuse in relationships begin with blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault."
So you feel bad about sex, and it's my fault for being a real human, with real issues, and hurt and pain, and confusion and insecurity... and you feel bad and it's my fault.
Angry and abusive people feel likevictims, which justifies in their mindsvictimizing others.
You can make me what you did in 2012. I refuse. You can't make me your object to hurt again.
Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by temperament. They try to control their environment to avoid feelings of failure and inadequacy. The strategy of trying to control others fails to satisfy them for the simple reason that the primary cause of their anxiety is within them. It springs from one of two sources—a heavy dread of failure, or fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation.
I do not want to go back here:You walk on eggshells to keep the peace, or a semblance of connection.
I don't think you really recognize how deep this emotional abuse thing really goes and whether it's labeled or not, an aggressive plan for getting rid of it, how your actions affect me being a key part of that, and listening to me, is necessary.
So... you want me to deny everything about myself and my experience and pretend it doesn't exist? That is what it feels like you are saying.
I choke back saying things like.. grow up. I hate that I even have that thought. But omg. Guess what. You can't override someone else's existing, thoughts, feelings, experience just because you want to win at something that you can't win at without annihilating the other person. I keep hearing through my head.. he's just not at a place or ready to hear and listen.. but God.. that sounds exactly like 2012. That dreadful year where I didn't matter, I didn't exist, I was the punching bag, the thing that only existed for you and was not allowed to have independent anger and thought and space. I'm not going back into that place. I feel sick right now. I feel like I'm giving up part of myself. I feel like I am not allowed to be a person, or be myself. I got nothing tonight. Instead, I got a box and told that I need to fall in line. Guess what? You're going to have to live with the ambiguity, and not being right or cool or in control all the time. Guess what, sometimes it's me, sometimes it's my experience that is going to matter. I need to see it matter. I need to see it matter while you still have your times of control and initiating. I need to be an equal on this.
Bad times following on the heels of good times... ever think that good times existed because I was catering to you, denying myself, and then afterwards, I asked you to consider me, and it failed miserably and ended up being a bad time?
I have a bad taste in my mouth after tonight, walking away I wanted to cry. I hated myself, I hated being back in the spot where I cannot voice my own opinion. You better ask to see me, you better show me that my side matters too. I'm not going back in my box.
Why do you have to try to beat me up and make me not matter? Why is that your compulsion?
Yes, things about sex hurt, I am confused, you did things that hurt, you're not right 100% of the time. Guess what you're going to have to live with that and then find the space where sex and wanting can still be great. You have to like and forgive you, not have me be your servant and starry eyed blind fan. You need to give yourself worth, not rob it at the expense of me.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201506/what-drives-emotional-abuse-in-relationships?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost
Anger and abuse in relationships begin with blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault."
So you feel bad about sex, and it's my fault for being a real human, with real issues, and hurt and pain, and confusion and insecurity... and you feel bad and it's my fault.
Angry and abusive people feel likevictims, which justifies in their mindsvictimizing others.
You can make me what you did in 2012. I refuse. You can't make me your object to hurt again.
Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by temperament. They try to control their environment to avoid feelings of failure and inadequacy. The strategy of trying to control others fails to satisfy them for the simple reason that the primary cause of their anxiety is within them. It springs from one of two sources—a heavy dread of failure, or fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation.
I do not want to go back here:You walk on eggshells to keep the peace, or a semblance of connection.
I don't think you really recognize how deep this emotional abuse thing really goes and whether it's labeled or not, an aggressive plan for getting rid of it, how your actions affect me being a key part of that, and listening to me, is necessary.
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