Waking up
I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was how much I hurt. It terrifies me to wake up that way everyday and it takes a toll on me for the rest of the day.it makes me sad to think about the fact that it never gets easier to accept the fact that I've been put into this situation. It took me a long time to realize and accept that my life was going to be harder than it should be, and that everything I do would take ten times as much convincing as everyone else.it feels like my heart, my mind, and my body are constantly fighting with eachother. My heart has so much love, strength and hope, my mind is logical and my body tears me down, hard. It feels like a constant battle and everyday I try twice as hard as the day before. Its hard not to cry when your body feels like its been run over by a truck, when the stress of everyday sits on your shoulders and smiles, and the pain you want to escape follows you everywhere you go. I keep thinking about acceptance and whether or not I've truly accepted this, but honestly I don't even know what that truly means. I'm not a realist, but if you want to get real, this is how it is and I have no choice in the matter. Usually my pain makes me angry but today it made me sad. I use anger as a defense mechanism but today I'm defenseless. I just hope my mind and heart win today.
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HI Kenna - so sorry to see the above and so hoping that today is a tad brighter for you. Again, how long have you been suffering with this PHN? And where is it? It\'s very hard to accept that you are living in pain each day when you are young - and you ask WHY? Is this making you a better person - or stronger? I have dealt with horrible bouts of pain throughout my life since I turned 30. I am not - gulp - going to be 55 - how did that happen? And each time this pain returns and 6 weeks later leaves me exhausted and sad and just not happy at all, I ask - did this help make me a better person? In a way it does. You understand when others suffer and it\'s not visible. You don\'t think that they are nuts - cause you yourself suffer from invisible pain. You also know that while this won\'t kill you - hard to be grateful. BUT since I am older an have lived thru more, I do always remind myself that it won\'t kill me. While I am truly like a living science experiment, and I smile when I type that, I always thank whoever - and know could be alot worse.
But you really need to explore more pain management options.
Trust me - after having this for 2 1/2 months, and if I recall correctly that is nothing in comparison to what you have been going thru, I ask myself why? Don\'t others get shingles and it goes away in a month? And they never think they need \"help\" like this? Well I do.
And so do you. And keep sharing. And remind yourself how much strength you have - and love and courage, but take the time to explore options.
And = I have done the acupuncture route, chiropractor, physical therapy and nothing really worked. But that was done for other ailments, not this shingles crap!
You make me sad and I don\'t like seeing you so sad.
I only hope today brought you a smile. Or alittle relief. Let me know cause I want you to share.
big gentle hugs sweetie
Everyday I tell myself that I\'m lucky. Because even if I have to deal with this, it could always be worse. And I\'ve asked myself why a million times but I try not to because I\'d rather believe there\'s a reason. I do think it has made me a better person and stronger. If I can handle this and still find my sanity, I feel pretty good about other things not being so difficult. I\'ve had this pain since I was 17. I\'m 21 now. I\'m not sure why I\'ve had it for so long. I know my Shingles was really bad, I lost 40 pounds in 1 month. And I got really sick with it. But like an idiot, I had a fear of doctors and refused to go until 3 months later when I felt like I had broken ribs. That\'s when it took them another 3 months to diagnose me. Every test you can think of and blood drawing almost everyday for that 3 months, it was horrible. When they diagnosed me, they gave me vicodin and codeine and the name of a counselor. When I changed docs, they got me off the pain killers, which was not easy since I was on them for so long, and then they put me on tegretol and nuerontin, didn\'t work. Then they tried Lyrica, which was probably the worst I\'ve ever felt emotionally. I was on that for the longest. I\'ve gone to pain management several times, but I don\'t want nerve blocks or needles in my back. As you are a science experiment, I\'m their favorite guinea pig. I don\'t want you thinking I\'m always that sad because I\'m not. This journal is just my way of venting so I can move on from the negativity the pain brings me on a silver platter. Thank you so much for your kind words. As for being my own advocate, I don\'t trust that any doctors know what they\'re talking about. Sad, but true. And I\'ve been poked with so many needles, I\'d rather hurt than have to go through it again. :(