Waiting for nothing

I need to try harder ... I need to focus.   I'm not completely unfocused, or unable to focus, like when I was experiencing all the drama associated with the PTSD and EMDR treatments.  That was horrible.  No, I'm just unfocused in a lazy kinda way.  I know what I need to do ... but I'm not doing it.  I know what would make me more successful at work ... but I don't do it.  I know what would make me feel healthier and more fit ... but I don't do it.  I can't seem to motivate and, I guess, I don't really want to.   That lazy attitude makes me annoyed with myself.  Why can't I just make myself push harder, work harder, be better, be the best?  I know I can ... if I wanted to.  I guess I just don't want to be the best. There's pressure and responsibility associated with that.  I don't want to be the best at my job.  I don't even like it that much.  I'm also annoyed with myself, spiritually.  It seems like the faucet is either on or off.  There's no inbetween ground.  I haven't turned my back on my spiritual self but I'm not fostering any of it either.   I don't like this lingering feeling ... the general numbness that I'm so comfortable with but at the same time hate.  I want more out of life and I know it's all right there, for the taking, but I don't move towards any of it ... I don't leap .... I don't trust .... I just hang back ... waiting .... for nothing.