WAH!!!
Ok, so I BPed again today!!! WTF!!! And still gross foods, because I am trying not to let my sugar addiction get the best of me. I ate half a bag of barenaked gronola (tasted like paint chips, just the smell made me gag, but I ate it anyways) 1 roll, 1 bowl of disgusting bran cereal, no...make that two bowls maybe like 4 servings? And my breakfast. I purged and could not get it all out, so that led to my tortilla binge expandanza. 3-4 big bowls of tortilla chips. My stomach really hurts right now, and after the last of the chips, I got sich a sharp pain in my chest that has never happened before. It felt like the chips I ate were stabbing me in the heart and it made me collaspe gasping for air, and it brought tears to my eyes. Of course, all I did about it was take a few deep breathes and waited for the pain to subside before I went to purge. The purging took 3 hours, and I didn't even get everything out, which led to...laxitivesyes.I went thereThis journal might seem like I am bragging, due to my writing style, but in actuality, this is really a cry for help, somewhere deep in my soul. I am freaking reading about nutrition, I have my RD, I freaking have all the knowledge of how the body works and how to make it work forme, yet I am tearing it apart. I decided to take pics of myself in my tank top and underwear this moring to get some perspective of how I look since I do not dare look in the mirror. I looked forst at my faceugh so swollenthen at my arms and shoulders. There used to be muscles, now they look wierd, super skinny and grossThen at my stomach, A lot smaller than I thought, not cute at allI though maybe just maybe, I would see the same in my legs and thighsno cigar!Fat Fat FatAre they really fat or is it all in my head? Howcome I look at the scale and it reads one thing but I feel 20 ponds heavier?Why do I feel it necessary to wear like 20 layers of clothes though It is kind of hot?Why is it such a struggle for me to take a shower, because then I would actually have to see my body in all its glory...I take showers with my eyes closed, I do not dare leave the shower without a towl, and I get dressed with the towl still on, that way I can avoid my body as much as possible.I know...I need a therapist. I am working on the insurance issues, and hopefully I can get it soon...I just can't do this alone. I also start my classes in a week and a half, and I need the energy to survive them.HELP.Also if any of my friends are reading this...Who wants to make the goal of no BPing for tomorrow? I think I wrote on some of your pages about it, so if any of you read this, message me because I need someone to lean on!!! And it will also make me feel better knowing that someone is depending on me to be "good" sothey can be good as well.
Replies
hey sweetie - sorry i am only just reading your last few entries now. haven\'t done the DS thing in 48 hours.... i think the one day, one hour at a time approach sounds good. purging (or trying to) for 3 hours really isn\'t good & surely can\'t be much fun!!! i can\'t really have a day without the b/p-ing... i don\'t purge.... and i think my definition of \"purge\" is a bit different to yours (i\'m more of the don\'t eat a thing kind of a person!!) but i\'ll join you in the eating in healthy moderation for the day challenge!!!
and.... thank you so much for your friendship & support - i\'m really looking forward to logging onto this site to get me through the day at the moment. so thank you for being there for me. lots of love from Sydney Australia xxx
I know what you are going through. I hate taking showers too. When I wash my body I try to avoid looking at my body. I also feel that scale doesn\'t justify how I feel. It\'s great that you are studying nutrition. I\'m currently trying to eat clean to build muscle but I\'m struggling because I have no knowledge in nutrition. Hope you feel better.
Iv had that happen befor i dunno wot it is but its really scary, i hope your ok, and with regards to what you see when u look at yourself in a photo or the mirror, you know deep down your view is distorted and im sure u dont look even the tiniest bit fat hun i have the same issues with my legs and its hard to believe people when they say \'ur not fat\' but when we dont see ourselves the way we are other people are more trustworthy u kno? im trying not to b/p today aswel so let me kno how u get on x