Visiting my Past

I am not sure why as I do not question Life any more, but this morning in my meditation, I reflected on the day I was taken to the emergency room with my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis). It was three weeks after my Mother died (who had horrible arthritis). I never had a sign before this. I thought of the horrific pain of RA; how I couldn't move without screaming; then my mind in my meditation took me to my childhood. I wondered how I survived the "horrific pain" the beatings, the emotional abuse, the rejection, and the fear I held onto as a child. I wondered if I wanted my Mom to love me soooooooo much, that I took on her disease after she passed; maybe being the only connection I could have. My mediation was out of the blue and all over the place.
I thought of what courage, strength, endurance and willingness I had to face such horror and start a healing process. There was no hatred at my parents, my sexual abusers, just an awareness of e'thing that had come my way during my Lifetime.
I thought of what courage I had to face my feelings and walk thru them. I thought of how my parents didn't do this.
I thought of how I was going to Unity when I was bedridden with RA and how I thought I was so Spiritually smart, I didn't need medicine. How I was going to heal myself. I thought did I attract this to keep me from pursuing the Ministry.
Everything that came to me was without judgment of others or myself. It was like my whole Life flashed before me and I was OK. I was Ok. I'm not going to try to understand it or dissect it, I am just going to let it be. I'm not sure why it happened, but it did.
What a beginning of a "new" day! I'm still kinda' in shock.
Hope your all well.
xo