Very Nice Light And Airy For A Change

One of the first things I did was tell my therapist I wanted to share something with her.  I pulled out my paper from my purse.  I told her how I usually write my journal blog – that no one is reading – twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays after I see her.  Mainly because what we talk about is usually what happens during the week.  I’ve been doing this since February and I now have about 150-160 pages printed out.  So it’s about 5 pages – give or take – every time I write.  I talk about what happens, people, my feelings, what happens here, other people, her, myself and such.  What I have is the ending paragraph of after our last Thursday’s session, after I wrote my thing from that day.    I told her it’s about her – it’s good.  Whew!  She looked relieved I said that.  I told her that people need to hear feedback about themselves and how they are doing – especially if it’s good.  So I read it to her.  I looked up and chuckled when I read the part about her not indicating getting tired of me talking about subjects even when I do.  She thanked me after, putting her hands up to her chest/throat area.  I told her she can keep it and handed it to her.  She seemed very happy.  She told me she has something good to share with me.  She had her body scan and everything is fine.  No sign of cancer.  I was so happy and told her what good news and I’m sure she’s happy.  Now she’s done except for the rest of the Hercepton she has to take.  Great news!    She even told me in 2 weeks she will start back with her real hair again.  I told her yes – her hair should be going back pretty much by now.  Her last chemo was in January.  I think I’m the first person she’s told and I told her I felt honored because I was the first she told about her cancer before others.  She said she may tell people as it gets closer so they’re aren’t shocked.  Then I told her about my friend, who just last night, told me about not wearing her wig on Saturday night.  I didn’t notice (I don’t pay attention to those things unless it’s very obvious) and had to put the pictures up on the computer to look at.  She told me she’s thinking of going without it to work tomorrow.  I told her to “Go for it!”  She said how my friend looks up to me for help with things and how I’m non-judgmental.  Yes.   So then I asked her if she’s ready to hear about my week-end stories.  She said yes and was really looking forward to hearing about what happened – especially with my real estate lady.  I told her about Friday.  How I drank something early and was real careful but every place we went to I felt like I had to go to the bathroom.  I guess I was just scared.  I kept thinking this has to slow down.  I wasn’t drinking.  Later I told her I had a soda at the last place – it was really hot – but I didn’t drink that much of it.  She asked how I did that, how I worked it going to the bathroom.  I told her.    The first place she forgot her cards and went out to her car to get them.  As soon as she did I dashed into the bathroom and went.  I’m fast and she didn’t know a thing.  The second time I had to tell her.  She asked me what words I used.  I told her we were going to leave soon and I just said, “I’m going to go to the bathroom.”  It was fine.  I did mention that I had my security of what she wrote what to say in my purse (although I didn’t use it) and my extra shorts.  It was nice to have that security.  So now I’m one for one.    The third time she had to go and as soon as she went I ran upstairs to go.  So now I’m two for one – she didn’t know a thing.  The last time we were at the farther place and I asked the guy if I could use his restroom.  Yes, no big deal but she did know.  So I went 4 times and she only knew of 2.  She only went 1 time the whole time.  About 4-4/12 hours I was with her.  Oh, and she was late and almost had to go home and come back and pick me up.  I told her I was already anticipating it and having to go to the bathroom a lot.  I just wanted to go.  But with my numbers and the help of her daughter, who works with her, we left.   So before we were about to leave the last place I really wanted to go to the bathroom.  But since I went 4 times and she already saw 2 times with one being there I didn’t.  I told myself I’ll be fine and didn’t go.  I worried all the way home and tried to keep my mind off of it but like I do sometimes, felt like I needed to go.  When I do this I don’t know if I have to go or not but I feel like it.  We got home, I asked her if she wanted to come in.  She said no, she has things to do at home.  I must have had to go because I didn’t make it all the way to the bathroom.  But she didn’t know!  Only I know and my therapist knows.  So that was good.    I told her how I need to work on that – the anticipation and such.  Later I said with my exposures too and going outside when I have to go and try not to escalate it.  That will help a lot if I can keep from doing that.  I said it shouldn’t matter how many times I go.  But then on the other hand I felt like a success because she only knew of 2 times and knows nothing of my problem.  Yeah!  She said both are successes.  I thought she would say I would need to tell her, and for her to know, just for future references.  But she didn’t.  She called them both successes.  She did ask me how much time had past since I went at that place and we were about to leave.  ½ hour.  She said I can wait that long.  Yes – longer than that.  She asked what was worse the anticipation of it not going or if I would go then but she would see another time or having an accident.  I told her having an accident is the worst.  But as long as I could get away with not going that she would know, that was the best.  I think she was trying to point out I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable on the way home and with the worry and anticipation if I would have gone that 5th time.  She did totally understand how I would go quickly when she was not looking or didn’t know.  That was fine.    So then I told her we had to come back the next day.  This was with my husband.  As soon as I got in the car I had that internal panic again.  Because we were going to someone’s house – most of the others the day before no one was there and it was easy to go when I needed to.  She said how at someone’s house I’d have to ask to use their bathroom.  Right.  I tried to console myself by saying my husband’s with me.  But that doesn’t matter.  He can’t help me to wait longer or not go as often.  He’d only say it’ll be OK or not be very nice about it.  And she said we’ll go a couple more places after this and that got me even more worried.    I was fine at the lady’s house.  I didn’t have to go.  I did have to go a couple times after that.  I think she knew of one and not the other.  She asked me if I had any incidences.  No and that was good.  Now we are supposed to go Friday again but close to my house.  So after all this talk she laughed and said this is all about going to the bathroom!  And, nothing about what happened about looking at the condos!  I told her because it’s so much a part of my life.  She knows that.  I told her that on that subject – I’m still confused.  I do know that I can’t move into a townhouse – just way too small especially the basement with all my stuff.  And it has to be something that I really, really like or I just can’t move.    Then I told her I want to talk about something else.  Not about that now.  But I said how maybe we should do this now.  We only have 3 more weeks after this week before my trip.  It’s with my husband so it’s different but some of the things are the same.  But we still need to do exposures and such.  They are helpful with reminding me what to do at the time.  I told her, like we did once before, we should go next door to the store or walk around outside in back when I don’t have to go to the bathroom – like now.  She thought it was good to feel like I can do it before we do the other stuff and like it’s no big deal.  So we decided to go now and she asked which one.  I asked her if she wanted a snack, then quickly said, “Yeah, let’s go get a snack.”  So we went next door after I got me 3.00 out of my purse.  She mentioned about the massage therapist being there as we past her by (both ways) and said hi.  Wonder where she thinks we’re going.    So I talked about my husband’s birthday on the way over and back.  And about my son forgetting I call, calling him, the lost calls, etc.  I told her it doesn’t look like he can come in because of budget cuts of a program.  We were already over there and ordering and she didn’t quite understand what I was saying, looked confused and asked me again.  I explained it better.  The younger girl helped us and I looked around to see if there was anyone there I knew.  It was crowded.  So we got the same thing as before (she has a little trouble pronouncing it but likes it), in 2 bags and then went out and back to her office.  We weren’t there for very long.  We talked about the possibility of seeing my son by going out there.  Driving vs flying but it’s so expensive anyway.  When we got back she asked me how that was.  Fine.  It was quick, we had the faster lady.  She teased me by saying she pays the other one, the older lady who takes forever to open a bag, to go slowly when we do our exposures when I really have to go to the bathroom.  She noticed how when we were at the counter I looked around to see who was there.  Yes.  It was good, fast and I didn’t need to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t say but I felt bad we didn’t get something for the massage therapist because she saw us walking back with something although I tried to hide mine, I don’t think she did.  It’s just me – don’t leave anyone out.  Then we talked about what happened Saturday night how I thought my friends set me up to sit in the front to be picked on at the dinner/theatre we went to.  Like their thing back to me because I’m always the take charge person.  And the thing with sitting in couples instead of girls/guys like we normally do.  Like I wasn’t in control like usual.  But one girl did move one down, after I said something again, which was better for talking.  I felt hurt they had me sit in the front and she thinks my one friends instigated it with me being picked on by saying, “Get the blonde that will be sitting there.” (me).  The waitress reassured me I’d be OK when she saw I wasn’t happy and that may or may not would have happened.  It’s just they know I leave to go to the bathroom and they still did that.  It hurts.  I did ask one guy to switch sides with me after I asked the waitress where the restrooms were so I could be closer and on the right side.  And when one guy came over to the table to say this is the last chance to do anything we needed to do, one guy friend looked at me like yes.  I said, “That will not happen!” in a way like I’m going anyway.  She laughed.  And when they were saying where the restrooms are my friends looked at me.  I hate that.  But when I had to go the times I did everything was fine and no one said anything.  That was good.  And I thought about what she said to go during songs and that’s what I did so they couldn’t pick me out.  On the way down, we went with friends.  This time I wasn’t afraid to go in their car.  Sometimes I am and sometimes I’m not.  She asked me if that felt good not to be afraid.  Yes – definitely.  I guess because I’ve done it before and I was more scared with my real estate lady because I had never done it before and didn’t know what to expect.  She said, and because it was all day.  Yes, this was just going downtown.  She asked me if I had any incidences all evening.  No and that was again, good.   Then we talked about my husband’s birthday and being busy that day and my daughter treating us to dinner out because Dad shouldn’t cook on his birthday.  She commented on what a busy weekend I had.  Yes and I like to be busy.  I told her how we went to the restaurant and the conflicts with my daughter’s boyfriend there with my grandson.  I’m not afraid of him.  It was about the straw thing and about riding back in the car with us – in Nana’s car.  She can’t say anything about him – I know that – because she sees him.  But she’s wondering if I was treated like that in the past.  Like things taken away and not being able to do stuff.  I told her maybe, I’d have to think about that.  By this time I needed to go to the bathroom and had told her.  She had asked me earlier if when I needed to go if I wanted to wait or not.  Yes, I wanted to wait.  So she was watching the clock for me.  I was talking pretty much telling my story.  But by this time I needed to go worse and she could tell – I’m sure by my wincing face and moving around/body language.  She told me it was about 5 minutes and that I didn’t have to push myself too hard.  I told her I can wait longer than that and kept going but it was harder to talk but I did.  I told her how my mother-in-law would “jump” at her own and my kids and we think that could be a part of it why I don’t like to see this happening.  And how protective I am over my grandson and granddaughter if needed but rarely I need to be with her.    At one point I was in the middle of saying something and I stopped a second and said, “Oh, I can’t concentrate.”  I stopped for a second more and thought, then went on.  She said it was about 7 or 8 minutes do I want to go.  I was really struggling by now.  I told her I wanted to wait just a little more, just a little.  “One more minute,” she commented.  Yes.  She commented (2 times) how I’m needing to go further into the session so to keep that in mind.  Like I’ve waited long already and she even said that once.  But to me (and I didn’t say this), just up to maybe 10 minutes is not long at all.  At all!  We went on but about 20 seconds later I was really needing to go and said, “I better go.”  She repeated, “You better go.”  I did and came back.  She said how I made it 8 minutes and it looked very difficult for me and I was struggling.  Yes, it was.    Maybe I had that look for a second after she made that comment.  I don’t know.  I tried not to.  She asked, “But you made it OK?” I indicated sort of, but yes, it’s OK.  She caught it, I didn’t have to talk about it and she said to me, “No shame.”  “No.”  It was ¾ a statement and ¼ a question.  And then I forced myself to just move on and forget about it and completely changed the subject.  It was just a little, didn’t show and it was OK.  Like she said, no shame.  I can’t let myself get into that – I just can’t.  Then we talked about my trip and I’ve been trying to think and figure out how to do these things with her to get ready.  What do we do?  I told her how going to the Ruins scares me because it’s all day.  She sees how I would be worried about that.  She told me I need to call and get more information on it.  Do the busses have bathrooms, how far away is it and such.  I know I do.  I said, though, it will be hot.  The sun is so close to you.  We talked about bringing our own bottled water with us from the hotel.  I also mentioned about the hotel being 45 minutes – which might turn into an hour or hour and a half – away from the airport and that scares me.  I told her there’s one good thing for her about my trip.  I can’t use my cell phone (1.49 per minute) so I won’t be asking her to call me every other day.  She laughed and repeated it saying that’s a good thing for her like I said.  She didn’t say no but it was all in joking around.  I also said how it’s good for her because for almost 2 weeks she won’t have to see me or deal with me at all.  I did ask her to do something for me – well, actually 2 things.  There are 5 days after I see her that I go so if she would call my cell phone, like last time, to get me through those 5 days by leaving a message.  And, because I can’t even call in to listen to my messages (we will probably bring one cell phone, keep it turned off but check once in a while) if she would write something down for me to read there when I need to.  She said they are very do-able.  Like no problem.  She didn’t even bring her cell phones with her when she went to El Salvador.   Then I said about Big Bertha.  I don’t even like to think about it.  But maybe I should wear it that day because of so much unknown.  She asked me if that’s why I said about it being hot.  It would really be uncomfortable wearing Big Bertha even then, even more.  I said maybe we should practice with it, I don’t even know if I can, wear it and going to the bathroom.  She wants me to find out more info.    She said that if it causes too much anxiety about going to the Ruins I don’t have to go.  I told her that I feel for my husband if he wants to go.  Sometimes, because people go in groups, people split up she told me.  Sometimes when they are on vacation together they need some space.  Yes, and I alluded to my last trips when I needed that.  And we talked a little about how in Mexico, and I said everywhere even on our trip last year to the southeast, it’s hard to find bathrooms.  Yes.  Besides them not always being around, sometimes they won’t let you or they are not clean.  When I left she said we’ll start on the trip stuff on Thursday.  Yes, and then we also get to talk about the 4th of July.  She just smiled because it was time to go.  She told me to enjoy my massage and I told her to have a nice week.  She told me, “See you Thursday.”  Boy, I feel like I’m rambling.    So my massage therapist had someone in there and I had to wait in the waiting area about 15 minutes or so.  It was fine.  I just listened to my IPod.  My therapist came out to get a teenage girl while the pre-teen girl and Mom stayed in the waiting area.  No one was out there when I was finished 10 minutes later.  I told my massage therapist I want to do 30 minutes sometimes after she commented about my 10 minute little dealie – I know but I didn’t say that 10 minutes at a time is really short – especially for her to come in for and I do feel bad about it but again, didn’t say.  But usually I would need to schedule ahead of time because some days she’s really busy.  She said it would be good because I’m so tight.  She could get it better and I mentioned my arms and legs, too.  But I’m still scared to and she doesn’t know why at all and I’d rather keep it like that.   Neither does my real estate lady know anything and I like that - both of them not knowing.  I know my therapist thinks differently, especially bout my massage therapist and maybe at some point I should tell her.  But I just can’t!  



Hi there - that is wonderful news about sharing your journal blog with your therapist and her telling you she is free from cancer! Good for her. And I am proud of you for continually being so adamant about writing your journal.

You keep doing it and I wish you a wonderful week.