(Very Long) My world crashing down
Today I just need to write. To write about the downs... more than the ups. To not look at everyone and pretend I'm okay. I need to release... where for once I'm not interrupted where for once they listen all the way and I finish take a deep breath wipe my tears and move on.
I broke down today not only internally but externally the tears are rolling down my face even as I write. I shouldn't be going through this much but I don't know why or where it's hit me like this all of a sudden.
In the beginning of my spring semester I got my job.. Happiest day of my life not only was I nervous but the morning I went back I had an amazing girl texting me too. Which made my day. Everything was right. I even made it through the two days of horrible spring training that they cram into our heads (as new workers) where as next year it will be like a week and a halve's worth.
Well as soon as the weekend was over it was plain classes. I started and this time I was planning on starting strong. Except 5 million things happened at once. My financial aid messed up so i couldn't get books, my sleeping patterns were so far off I couldn't stay awake in classes, and I had to start doing so many extra things for being an RA they never mentioned in the job description. As well as not enough time to sit and plan. So that threw me off.. not to mention teachers who don't mention that there are asterisks on your syllabus that are not denoted till 10 pages later telling you, you have a quiz on that day. So i failed a quiz and that was the beginning of my terror.
I knew when i got to the first test i was going to get all My good grades best grades ever. I bombed all of them.... There went my self confidence.... my job is effecting me way to much. But I don't want to quit because it's a good job with good benefits as far as paying for college. BUT my schedule was JUST not set up to be an RA when i thought i was going to be one next year.... So that screwed me up more... I go from 8:30 am to 10 pm on tuesdays and 8:30 to 6:30 on thursdays one class monday and no class weds and fri. Why everyone thinks that's a great schedule for a student NOT AN RA!! it knocks out too many of my nights i could use to spend with my residents and or do programs... Did i mention after my 6:30 class on thursday i have a 7:30 to almost 9:30 meeting? EVERY THURSDAY!?!? and wednesdays i have a 9-10 meeting. If not longer.
I thought by my second test i could pick those up and get my grades back up.. Nope! Got the flu... missed key lectures.. or was so feverish and so dillusional during lecture i didn't get anything out of them and failed those test too.
Now my class don't count for grades becuase if i failed them my GPA drops and i lose my job.... PROBLEM IS if i get below a C- i lose my financial aid!!! ... wow great right?
Okay..So that's school related.. No don't give me advise to quit my job because i like it and i am just going to ride the rest of the semester out.
2nd part...
So the awesome girl I was texting (well yea)....... i'm just going to leave it at that... and I've been talking to another girl.. which is great and all but she lives in florida and i refuse to do long distance.... NO! it's bad... So everyone's like find someone here find someone here.. NOT THAT EASY!... because guess what.. our GLBT center... has...............98% gay guys.. which i don't have a problem with but the school up the road around the corner and is our rivals have the girls EPIC FAIL AGAIN!!! :( and the one girl i want to ask out has iffy ...ideas about her... which i mean i'm not judging her for them. I'm just wondering if that's what she really wants or is there another side to her... (complicated story i'd explain but yea) no one's probably going to read this anyways...It's like i want to ask her out in person but i don't see her anymore and when i write it in my head I feel like it's stupid... because she's going to be like god why couldn't she ask me out in person or something... and i don't even fear rejection with her.. but I just feel i want to find her walk up to her and kiss her and tell ask her out and all of sudden she says yes and it's happy time....but i know it doesn't work like that.... and each time i think of her or the other awesome girl that i was texting too I hear the song I never told you by Colbie Callait.. *sigh*
The girl in florida.. she loves me everything about me... my perfections my flaws... and while i admit there are some things about her that turn me off... I know i can't make assumptions based on the fact we never met... and there are times i can't return all her love because I feel it would be wrong of me to say I love you more than anything in this world when really i don't know you.... but she tells me that and i feel bad not to return it. But I mean... I can't... and she's like one day we will meet.... and i told her but i can't wait for her forever... if i mean we had already met and something tore us apart I can wait.. but i can't wait forever to meet her... I want someone in my life... someone i can share my bed with someone I can look into their eyes and hold them and when they are sad take care of them when they are happy see their smile and when they need me i can be there.. and we can actually go out.... It's not about emotional relations but it's something that's becoming less common in our world ... face to face interactions... and i want that... *sigh*
But during this i realized one i'm unstable right now and most of it I can't understand why!!!! because I'm strong and happy and usually healthy but.. I can't i figure out why my brain wants me to cry every 5 minutes of my life.. .WHY AM I SO DOWN!?!?! Then not only that I believe... I could be wrong.. that I have some kind of abandonment issues which cause me to be not clingy.... but attention seeking.. and i feel that I hate being like that I don't need anyone to make me feel happy... but for some reason it seems to be what i depend on... AND I CAN'T STAND IT! I want to be strong for myself...
So as of right now I'm staring at papers for the counseling center.... They are sitting there... I have to fill them out... but for some reason.. excuse after excuse keeps popping into my head... worse than excuses for them gym...
And with this I am done....
I broke down today not only internally but externally the tears are rolling down my face even as I write. I shouldn't be going through this much but I don't know why or where it's hit me like this all of a sudden.
In the beginning of my spring semester I got my job.. Happiest day of my life not only was I nervous but the morning I went back I had an amazing girl texting me too. Which made my day. Everything was right. I even made it through the two days of horrible spring training that they cram into our heads (as new workers) where as next year it will be like a week and a halve's worth.
Well as soon as the weekend was over it was plain classes. I started and this time I was planning on starting strong. Except 5 million things happened at once. My financial aid messed up so i couldn't get books, my sleeping patterns were so far off I couldn't stay awake in classes, and I had to start doing so many extra things for being an RA they never mentioned in the job description. As well as not enough time to sit and plan. So that threw me off.. not to mention teachers who don't mention that there are asterisks on your syllabus that are not denoted till 10 pages later telling you, you have a quiz on that day. So i failed a quiz and that was the beginning of my terror.
I knew when i got to the first test i was going to get all My good grades best grades ever. I bombed all of them.... There went my self confidence.... my job is effecting me way to much. But I don't want to quit because it's a good job with good benefits as far as paying for college. BUT my schedule was JUST not set up to be an RA when i thought i was going to be one next year.... So that screwed me up more... I go from 8:30 am to 10 pm on tuesdays and 8:30 to 6:30 on thursdays one class monday and no class weds and fri. Why everyone thinks that's a great schedule for a student NOT AN RA!! it knocks out too many of my nights i could use to spend with my residents and or do programs... Did i mention after my 6:30 class on thursday i have a 7:30 to almost 9:30 meeting? EVERY THURSDAY!?!? and wednesdays i have a 9-10 meeting. If not longer.
I thought by my second test i could pick those up and get my grades back up.. Nope! Got the flu... missed key lectures.. or was so feverish and so dillusional during lecture i didn't get anything out of them and failed those test too.
Now my class don't count for grades becuase if i failed them my GPA drops and i lose my job.... PROBLEM IS if i get below a C- i lose my financial aid!!! ... wow great right?
Okay..So that's school related.. No don't give me advise to quit my job because i like it and i am just going to ride the rest of the semester out.
2nd part...
So the awesome girl I was texting (well yea)....... i'm just going to leave it at that... and I've been talking to another girl.. which is great and all but she lives in florida and i refuse to do long distance.... NO! it's bad... So everyone's like find someone here find someone here.. NOT THAT EASY!... because guess what.. our GLBT center... has...............98% gay guys.. which i don't have a problem with but the school up the road around the corner and is our rivals have the girls EPIC FAIL AGAIN!!! :( and the one girl i want to ask out has iffy ...ideas about her... which i mean i'm not judging her for them. I'm just wondering if that's what she really wants or is there another side to her... (complicated story i'd explain but yea) no one's probably going to read this anyways...It's like i want to ask her out in person but i don't see her anymore and when i write it in my head I feel like it's stupid... because she's going to be like god why couldn't she ask me out in person or something... and i don't even fear rejection with her.. but I just feel i want to find her walk up to her and kiss her and tell ask her out and all of sudden she says yes and it's happy time....but i know it doesn't work like that.... and each time i think of her or the other awesome girl that i was texting too I hear the song I never told you by Colbie Callait.. *sigh*
The girl in florida.. she loves me everything about me... my perfections my flaws... and while i admit there are some things about her that turn me off... I know i can't make assumptions based on the fact we never met... and there are times i can't return all her love because I feel it would be wrong of me to say I love you more than anything in this world when really i don't know you.... but she tells me that and i feel bad not to return it. But I mean... I can't... and she's like one day we will meet.... and i told her but i can't wait for her forever... if i mean we had already met and something tore us apart I can wait.. but i can't wait forever to meet her... I want someone in my life... someone i can share my bed with someone I can look into their eyes and hold them and when they are sad take care of them when they are happy see their smile and when they need me i can be there.. and we can actually go out.... It's not about emotional relations but it's something that's becoming less common in our world ... face to face interactions... and i want that... *sigh*
But during this i realized one i'm unstable right now and most of it I can't understand why!!!! because I'm strong and happy and usually healthy but.. I can't i figure out why my brain wants me to cry every 5 minutes of my life.. .WHY AM I SO DOWN!?!?! Then not only that I believe... I could be wrong.. that I have some kind of abandonment issues which cause me to be not clingy.... but attention seeking.. and i feel that I hate being like that I don't need anyone to make me feel happy... but for some reason it seems to be what i depend on... AND I CAN'T STAND IT! I want to be strong for myself...
So as of right now I'm staring at papers for the counseling center.... They are sitting there... I have to fill them out... but for some reason.. excuse after excuse keeps popping into my head... worse than excuses for them gym...
And with this I am done....
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