Very bad weekend.

Hey everyone. Well I had a horrible weekend. First my husband was sick, then I got sick and has the weekend went on I got my sick. Well Saturday night me and my husband were home watching tv and we heard something fall down the stairs. I thought it was shoes or something because my cats stay in the basement at night time and when we arent home and sometimes they knock shoes down the stairs. So I went to check and my favorite cat the one whos been sick off and on since we got him 3 years ago was at the bottom up against the wall. So I went down to make sure it wasnt him that fell down the stairs and he wasnt really moving like he had no energy. I was like Stink (thats his name) hunny are you ok come see me. And he just wouldnt move so finally I got him to move. I brought him upstairs by hisself (I have 5 cats total) and he was acting kind of funny. He didnt really have any balance and was acting like he was really weak. I started crying because I know how sick he's been in the past. Hes alergic to fleas so when he gets fleas he losses his hair and losses weight. I forgot to mention hes lost about 2-3 pounds in the last week or so. So my husband gave in and we took him to the emergency vet hospital at about 10:30. We went in and they said it would be $125.00 no matter what and then any additional fees all had to be paid that night. (I dont know if you guys know or not but my husbands been off work on long term disibility and isnt making alot of money. Earlier in the day I had to borrow $100.00 off my mom so I could get gas and medicine.) So they checked him and said his kidney's were double in size, he was dehydrated. We told him about how Stink always is drinking water and can never get enough and pees all the time. So he said it doesnt sound good but he would have to run some tests to see whats going on for sure. They had to bring this paper with how much it will cost and it was going to be $260.00 and my husband was like hunny we can afford that. Well I was crying the whole night because I didnt think Stink would make it through the night if we brought him home. So we asked if he would just run the test on the kidneys first ($85.00). He said he would. We he came back he said that Stinks had kidney failure he said there are 3 numbers and 2 of them would even register. So we knew that wasnt good. He said he could flush out his kidneys but it would only prelong his life and not help him he would still be suffering. So we had to put him to sleep. It was the worst most horrible experience of my entire life. It was even harder than any of my miscarriages. I've cried for 3 days straight. I had to call of work today because I just could go. I miss him so much. I dont know why it had to happen to him. I just keep seeing him at the vet under my chair hiding and I should have been the one to protect him but instead I gave him to the people to be put to sleep. I know it was for the best because he was suffering and he couldnt even walk right. But I just cant stop crying. I just want him back. He was my baby. I dont have any kids and he was my kids. I feel like I just murdered him. I dont know what to do to stop crying. I've been taking xanax and it helps for alittle while but soon as it wears off I start crying again. Well I have to go. HUGS to all. Monica.