Very Bad Day
I'm hoping all had a very good ( and fun) Halloween. But for me it was quite a struggle.
There is good news though. My sister has been placed where my Dad was and it is a good facility and she will be well taken care of.
I have been struggling for days now and today it all came downon me. Today would have been Dad's birthday. With all going on with Sis and concern that this may be the last leg of her journey plus the fact her old neighbor (who's husband died just a few months ago) has now also passed is bringing death all front and center. There are things going on with my own health and I have upcoming appt to try to help fix things, but there are times I do not even care.
Today I had plans to do so many things but again put them all aside. It was all I could do to go out of the house and get a few things from Aldis. I spent the better part of the day in tears and feeling such incredible depression and unimportance. I know there are a few who do love me (as I do so many buth my family and special friends) but it is so hard for me to admit and I always try to put on a happy face. But I do not care right now (about myself, I mean. )
Tommorrow I have to get myself out to finally get my photo for driver's license. (I have my photo id card to get the pic since August 31st.) A friend told me she never went and got hers and was walking around with it for months (before me even) I dread getting a new picture. Even fixing myself up for it still brings me to an unhappy place . But I need to get it done. I want to vote next week so I have to have the updated photo ID. I must admit I fear even forcing myself to do something needed is worrying me that it may not even matter... AGAIN.
OK. I guess I need to put the worry aside since it does nothing . I also need to face the fact that I have been avoiding so many things for so long now and the reality is that I only do the bare minimum usually to keep up appearances (Last week to ready for inspection and replacement of filters and alarms) Now tomorrow for insurance nurse (Yes I agreed to let her come for better or worse). Fact is, without these things I would do very little. I would be content just snuggling up with my fleece throw on my recliner watching tv and sleeping.
Replies
VQ said “I would be content just snuggling up with my fleece throw on my recliner watching tv and sleeping.”
And there is supposed to be something wrong with this? LoL
Bill's Friend---
Well said. VQ, we care about you. Flip the fleece and watch the TV and get some sleep. And then back to muddling through as we all do. In better times, with all her faculties, I imagine that your sister would have given you encouragement. Expect that from others. I don't know anything, but I think being here for each other, if only to listen when that is the only comfort we have to give might be a good enough reason to keep going. First, a fleece nap, then MUDDLE.
Glad your sister is safe and being taken care of. Being close to someone with dementia is so hard. My mom had it and I just always thought as hard as it is for me, good god it’s not nearly as hard as it must be for her. But yet everyone suffers. It’s terrible. My heart goes out to you and to her.
When I get bogged down with feeling overwhelmed and lost, I often adopt a fake it until I make it approach. Sometimes that is my only path forward. I “act as if”, which helps quiet the automatic dysfunctional narrative pattern I have about myself. Here’s a pretty good article about “act as if” is used in cognitive behavioral therapy: https://cogbtherapy.com/cbt-blog/2013/8/26/act-as-if
I’m turning 60 in January and am certainly grateful for another trip around the sun. But it does carry a lot of reflection. I think about loss of family, how quickly time seems to be passing and that it feels like sometimes what’s left but to start preparing for the inevitable. But that is just inner noise. I have to remind myself my 60s are not necessarily the 60s of my grandparents. I mean I am aging obviously, My body is different now and I certainly don’t look 40. But I’m not supposed to and it’s ok. Aging is not a character flaw. I feel like every wrinkle and flaw on this face and body is evidence of having survived some shit.
My goal is to keep working until 65 but there are more and more days where I’m just mentally drained and so burned out. It’s like my give a damn has exited the building. It applies in my personal life too, like I’m so behind in annual medical appointments because I just don’t give a fuck. But then I think, well no I actually do but it’s to the extent giving a damn is reasonable and called for. Not everything carries the same importance. The work is just work. The appointments will get made; it just is going to happen on without me panicking that I have all these things to do and beating myself up or punishing myself for not getting everything done. We aren’t robots. There is always going to be shit to do.
All this is to say, we are allowed to cut ourselves some slack. And we are allowed to sooth our fears and worries. Sometimes we just need to crawl up on the couch and cry. It’s ok. Feel the feelings. But then remember feelings aren’t necessarily facts. I think sometimes when we are tired and overwhelmed it’s so easy to revert to those negative thought patterns so engrained. I spent decades of my life battling these really screwed up perceptions of myself when it came to love, value and self worth. At some point I came to the conclusion my inner self hater is simply a liar. So I just try to ignore that noise and keep it moving.
I am sorry and I do understand this type of angst or even what is called ambiguous loss with your sister's situation.
Try some self-compassion. We all have seasons where we bury our heads in the sand, although some of us do it more than others. Take it one problem at a time. Things can feel overwhelming when they all crash down at once. Do a google search for self-compassion and find a mantra or two that reminds your brain that you matter. Something that supports yourself telling yourself good things about yourself instead of always blaming or saying bad things about yourself.
When we are in constant self blame or saying bad things about ourselves, we create anxiety and fear within ourselves.
So what do you need to remind yourself by saying the mantra 3x a day or whenever the ruminating takes over? My mantra was something like I love myself and I value myself and I had to say it quite a bit and then one day, that phrase popped into my head during a rumination and I thought, yes, this is true. I am worthy of self-compassion, self-value, self-worth. Say positives to yourself, which takes daily practice, instead of that old tired self-blame.
Because you matter and are a good person just trying to get through life the best you can. People like you, you matter to this world.
You are worthy VQ...Hugs
You are worthy & loved. Please take some time for your self care. Once your health improves you will have a better outlook for the future. Please don"t give up!!! Gentle Hugs.....
Thank you all for the kind words . It means alot. I did struggle through things but the day was a bit better.
I think with so much change and deterioration and friends and family dropping like flies I have been doing too much reflecting. you will all be happy to know that once i forced myself to do several things I had to today, I did bundle up with the fleece and doze.
yeay on taking a nappyroonie