Venting I guess

It feels as though while I'm at another new point in my life, I'm just stuck in the past. Every attempt to get over or through it just adds more anxiety to my life causing more and more problems. The thoughts of my flaws creep into my mind and over run the hopes and dreams leaving me with nothing but the painful stabbing of error. My most valued and memorable moments were in military school. That was where I had every answer to every question, knew exactly how to do it and felt vital to something greater than I. I miss it so much every day. I miss waking up with a purpose, and being able to walk around like the baddest mother fucker on the planet. I loved it, every stress laden second of it. I love being in charge, having responsibility and people who depend on me. its almost as though I need it to feel complete. Now, I wake up to go to class and I cant see the future through the fears and faults from the past. All I do is worry that I won't make again and wind up doing absolutly nothing worth living for. Mum says I'm afraid of success, I have to agree with her. But, I've spent my whole life trying not to dissapoint my parents. When smoking became the cool thiing to do, I could only think of what they would think if they found out. when drugs and alcohol became a factor it was the same situation. At some point though I decided that I cant keep doing this to myself and I have to live the life I want to live. So, I drank, I smoked pot as a result of drinking (I would only do it after I was drunk). I guess it was all an attempt to forget these faults and mistakes that I've made but I dont want to make excuses.  I try to live a life geared towards others, my friends mainly. After I broke up with my gf of 4 years, I went up to Cleveland to stay with a friend who went to military school with me and is now in the Marine reserve, works third shift at a plant, and the only friend he has there is his gf. So, right after we broke up I went up there with an 18 pack of beer, ordered pizza and watched shitty movies. It turned out to be some of the best six days of my life because I knew how lonly he was and how much it meant to him for me to be there. I wonder if anybody would do that for me . . .? Regardless, now I'm at the point where I want to errase all my faults and stupid teenage mistakes (not all though, some were pretty fun). But, I can't do that. It doesn't work that way. Instead, I'm 20 years old with chronic pancreatitis, a shifty as beard, weird medications that cause me to write shit like this, nobody to cuddle up and watch a horrible with, and dreams and asperations that seem a million miles away. I'm not gonna jump, not now at least. I'm a hopeless romantic who believes that Cinderella is really out there, and all of Walt Disneys doings are religeous artifacts. So, thats where I stand! I'm gonna be up for a couple hours watching cops, dicking around on the internet, then fall asleep. In, the morning, I'm going to wake up and go to class with the scene of me reciting the hipocratic oath and praying for the strength to get me through this all. If anybody reads this all the way through, thank you. You get a hug :)Thanks for letting me vent . . .