Venting/Frustrated
Posted this in a PTSD thread as well, not sure where it is more appropriate.
My life is really rather like ordered chaos, once I finally get to a point where things make sense, where I can go about and kinda get through the day with minimal dissociation or depersonalization, or any number of other forms of flashbacks, I'll have a major event occur in my life. 2010 has been a very stressful year for me and because it mostly I've struggled with my PTSD more than I can really possibly remember. My mom was in a serious accident in March where she nearly lost her arm. If the right person hadn't been there to put a tourniquet on her arm, there is a serious possibility she could have lost her life. My sister's boyfriend had an accident at work there he lost a few fingers, and broke his arm when his arm got caught in a machine. My grandfather who is a cancer patient had his health turn for the worse earlier this year. He is doing a bit better, but he gave us a few scares because we thought we might lose him before Christmas. My brother, and abuser who raped me and put my family through hell with his drug usage was in a serious car accident labor day weekend that he barely survived. Was in a medically induced coma for about a month because he was in so much pain and had so much wrong. Was in the ICU for the better part of two and a half months, and recently was discharged from the hospital and is living at home. Which is hard for me, because I'm on winter break from college, and currently back at home as well. I had wished so much harm upon him when I was younger, I recently thought that God was punishing me in a way, to kind of guilt me to make me lose some of my anger. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense on any kind of level, but thats still how i feel, just not as intensely as I once did. My aunt who is a Type One diabetic recently had a scare... Started having seizures and she lives alone with two kids. Thankfully her oldest knew to call 911 which helped her a good bit, but it still was frightening. My grandma thought she had a heart attack earlier last week, ended up being a blood clot in her lungs. In a time when the economy is doing so poorly, my family keeps having all of these mounting medical bills we are struggling to pay for and its just hard to understand why such horrible things happen to good people. I've had so much happen in one year, its just kinda compounded my PTSD stuff. Instead of being able to focus on my family and help, I just feel like I can help from time to time, but I largely feel trapped inside my own head, caught in memories I've thought I've dealt with throughly enough on my own. I've done a workbook on PTSD that helped out a good bit, and another workbook called the Courage to Heal which was also very helpful. I'm trying to be strong, to help everyone else and it just seems to make the stuff in my head worse. Cleaning helps, sometimes I feel like thats the only thing I can do to help out. I just hate this feeling of being trapped inside myself, in emotions I don't understand, or even process all the right words to describe how I feel. I feel like the I'm constantly bombarded by anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, all in waves and its just getting to a point where I don't know how much longer I can do everything I'm trying to do. It feels so disheartening to finally overcome a personal obstacle, to make progress with my PTSD to have something in my personal life come along, and then be a setback to helping me get well. I know that seems like a selfish thought, I'm trying to step up and be a help to everyone I know how to try to be strong for other people that have having a tough time as well, but I just feel so frustrated. I want 2011 to be a better year, a stronger year for my family and I. For us not to have so much hardship bring us together. For me to get back to recovery, because right now I don't feel like myself. I don't remember being this anxious or angry in quite some time, and it is a feeling that I thought I had overcome, that just keeps coming back lately. Not sure what to do about all of these angsty emotions, but it really makes me feel like I'm back at high school. Just feel so lost and out of place and haven't really been sleeping well at all. When I do dream, my dreams are so vivid and intense it takes me a while to realize my nightmares weren't happening and it was all just a terrible dream. I just really need 2011 to be a good year, and to finish out this year with a good attitude and with a feeling of peace. Thats all I want, to feel at peace with my family and with myself.
My life is really rather like ordered chaos, once I finally get to a point where things make sense, where I can go about and kinda get through the day with minimal dissociation or depersonalization, or any number of other forms of flashbacks, I'll have a major event occur in my life. 2010 has been a very stressful year for me and because it mostly I've struggled with my PTSD more than I can really possibly remember. My mom was in a serious accident in March where she nearly lost her arm. If the right person hadn't been there to put a tourniquet on her arm, there is a serious possibility she could have lost her life. My sister's boyfriend had an accident at work there he lost a few fingers, and broke his arm when his arm got caught in a machine. My grandfather who is a cancer patient had his health turn for the worse earlier this year. He is doing a bit better, but he gave us a few scares because we thought we might lose him before Christmas. My brother, and abuser who raped me and put my family through hell with his drug usage was in a serious car accident labor day weekend that he barely survived. Was in a medically induced coma for about a month because he was in so much pain and had so much wrong. Was in the ICU for the better part of two and a half months, and recently was discharged from the hospital and is living at home. Which is hard for me, because I'm on winter break from college, and currently back at home as well. I had wished so much harm upon him when I was younger, I recently thought that God was punishing me in a way, to kind of guilt me to make me lose some of my anger. I'm not sure if that really makes any sense on any kind of level, but thats still how i feel, just not as intensely as I once did. My aunt who is a Type One diabetic recently had a scare... Started having seizures and she lives alone with two kids. Thankfully her oldest knew to call 911 which helped her a good bit, but it still was frightening. My grandma thought she had a heart attack earlier last week, ended up being a blood clot in her lungs. In a time when the economy is doing so poorly, my family keeps having all of these mounting medical bills we are struggling to pay for and its just hard to understand why such horrible things happen to good people. I've had so much happen in one year, its just kinda compounded my PTSD stuff. Instead of being able to focus on my family and help, I just feel like I can help from time to time, but I largely feel trapped inside my own head, caught in memories I've thought I've dealt with throughly enough on my own. I've done a workbook on PTSD that helped out a good bit, and another workbook called the Courage to Heal which was also very helpful. I'm trying to be strong, to help everyone else and it just seems to make the stuff in my head worse. Cleaning helps, sometimes I feel like thats the only thing I can do to help out. I just hate this feeling of being trapped inside myself, in emotions I don't understand, or even process all the right words to describe how I feel. I feel like the I'm constantly bombarded by anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, all in waves and its just getting to a point where I don't know how much longer I can do everything I'm trying to do. It feels so disheartening to finally overcome a personal obstacle, to make progress with my PTSD to have something in my personal life come along, and then be a setback to helping me get well. I know that seems like a selfish thought, I'm trying to step up and be a help to everyone I know how to try to be strong for other people that have having a tough time as well, but I just feel so frustrated. I want 2011 to be a better year, a stronger year for my family and I. For us not to have so much hardship bring us together. For me to get back to recovery, because right now I don't feel like myself. I don't remember being this anxious or angry in quite some time, and it is a feeling that I thought I had overcome, that just keeps coming back lately. Not sure what to do about all of these angsty emotions, but it really makes me feel like I'm back at high school. Just feel so lost and out of place and haven't really been sleeping well at all. When I do dream, my dreams are so vivid and intense it takes me a while to realize my nightmares weren't happening and it was all just a terrible dream. I just really need 2011 to be a good year, and to finish out this year with a good attitude and with a feeling of peace. Thats all I want, to feel at peace with my family and with myself.
Replies