VENTING a moment
ok, im pissed off and a little shook up. last night my ex picked up the phone, i was confirming a time to meet today, and i hear, barely but i hear as he picks up someone say, "why do you even talk to her" or soemthing like that. and he replies, "because of my parents." i said, because of your parents what? he says oh, um... i just got off the phone with them. and then "had to go." so i hung up with him and sent him a message saying i wasnt happy about what i heard. he was all pissed off. saying that he was cleaning house and going to bed, and watching tv. all this shit and didnt have fucking time. IM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE FUCKING LIES. if he has a girl then fucking fine. i dont care. but dont fucking act sweet on me. he has been doing that. when i saw him briefly he all tried to hug me and kiss my cheek, and brushed my hair out of my face. i had backed away and told him that he didnt have to be nice to me and that i was uncomfortable. im tired of feeling that my feelings are not valid. im tired of all of this shit. HE is not number one here, I fucking am. Ariyah fucking is. NOT HIM. and he needs to ither step up to the plate and be a fucking man and have ADULT conversations with me, OR stay the fuck away and stay the fuck out of it. none of this FLIP FLOP shit. HE calls me this morning asking to come over here instead of me going over there, calling me from a blocked number, saying he spent the night at a friends house because he has no bed at his house. fucking bullshit. im just tired of bieng lied to. i just want the fucking truth. im TIRED of people fucking with my emotions. dont fucking talk to me about sex, or try to brush hair out of my face and shit. good thing i didnt fall for it, but the fact that he EVEN tried, does he think i am fucking stupid? is he just trying to be smooth thinking i will comprimise on child support? yea fuck that. maybe when he can be an adult. right now i'll take what i can get, and what im entitled to, im through enough from him.
Replies
Hmmmmmmmm.......manipulation, lies, sweet-talking, gentle touching, sleepovers with \"friends\" who have blocked numbers.......wanting to decrease child support.....
I see the pain and betrayal in the lines you have written....sorry you are hurting.
The only advice I have.....is to say Be Careful....and don\'t let your emotions be manipulated to let him off the hook for what your daughter is entitled to.....
Take care of you......Hugs, Dianne
Be careful.
We did meet today, and after talking to him im still so confused. he apologized for the way he talked to me, and such and such, and admitted he was an asshole. he really can flip flop around. when he is sweet and kind it hurts, hurts more than when he is an ass to me. because it REMINDS me of things. of the life i wanted, of my dreams with him, of that feeling that i had finally found someone who would treat me well, after all my struggles with men before. i had felt safe with him. i felt very safe. i dont know those of you who remember what i used to write about him, and little poems he used to write to me, he used to make me feel so important. it hurts to be reminded of the feelings i had for him. how proud i was of the baby that i carried because he was the father. i felt he accepted me, if not always understood me, and that was more important. and now what? im so emotional. i cant take him back, i cant allow myself to. cause if he hurt me again, it would be my fault for letting him, and i dont know if i would ever forgive myself. he says he will prove it to me over time, try to make up for things, but he cant. its impossible. it hurt too much. hurts too much. a part of me died back there... and there will never exist any true words of comfort for what i went through that will make me feel okay about it. ive managed to come out of the depression of it all, and now i feel it creeping back up on me like some dark cloud, and im fighting it. im scared. im scared of my own emotions and my ability to control them right now. what about when the post pardum hits after the baby? what if i cant do what i need to? what if i procrastinate school again? what if im not strong enough? i feel vulnerable and weak and weary. and right now i just wish i had a shoulder to lean on. i wish i had someone to hold me and just let me cry. what if i cant be for my baby what she needs. what if i fail myself. so many things to think about. so little time it seems, and not enough money either. i know time will go on, and things will pan out as they will. but i need to shake this feeling.
i want to live life, not push through it like this.
thank you all again for your wonderful support and comments. i feel selfish lately, ive hardly checked on any of your journals, its hard to get computer time, and when i am on here for brief periods all i do is write about me. im sorry i apologize for that. i should be a better friend.
What if you are not strong enough?! I have followed your journey since May of last year, and you have got through so many hard times. You\'ve been knocked down time and again, and just got back up and dusted yourself off, and got on with it. Dont start doubting yourself now! You are a strong woman! Your daughter will have a strong mother, cos its what she deserves. If you suffer from post natal depression, deal with it quickly if you can, speak to someone, so that you can have the life you and your daughter deserve. You are not a weak woman, please dont let Matt drag you down, he just wants you to be weak so that he can manipulate the situation to suit him. This is your time. Now dont make me come over there and shake you!!!
One thing I have learned...is the importance of looking at consistency in a person.....so.....
He was with some female and was talking disrespectfully to and about you......
Later on.....when that other person was not present, he admitted he was an asshole, apologized.....sweet-talked???? Sounds a lot like some wannabe player trying to manipulate somebody.....but then, I don\'t know the whole situation....YOU can see with your own two eyes and hear with your own two ears....
So, if you tune out the excuses and manipulations, what does the rational Drakona really think about his behavior???? When you factor in how much you want things just to be OK.....and look at the real behaviors, is his behavior confusing?
Love is as love DOES, when you turn down the soundtrack....and just watch the ACTION....
People who are not lying and manipulating.....are not all that confusing. People who are twisting and deceiving and conning and manipulating....well, you can just get paralyzed with indecision trying to figure out what to believe out of what they say...and trying to tune out the bad stuff so you can have the good stuff...
(been there, done that!)
I know you will sort through all this and come through.....and don\'t worry about feeling so afraid for the future....that is natural. You are going to have days like this, but I have faith in you. You will come out stronger than ever later on!
Believe in yourself.....and there is just about nothing you can\'t do....
Love, Dianne
Real = non confusing
Honesty = no need to appologise
Your a smart young lady my friend and you know when you are being snowed. You are soooo worth everything you want from a guy.
I know the pain of loving someone you thought they were.
One that truly is , is sooo worth the wait.
Love ya!,
Kimber
Hi there, glad to see you\'re still around DS. I can understand your fear and frustration-you\'re facing raising a baby alone. But, you can do it. You have come so far. Maintain your health and worry about you and your little girl...you won\'t have time to worry about him once she\'s born. Stay strong, but don\'t push so hard at work; maybe your body needs some rest? Love and hugs...
Brigette