Vent
Wow. It feels totally awesome when you tell someone that something they say is racist and upsetting to you because it is against you even if the rest of the world totally seems to be ok with it and they continue to say it, try to hide the fact they're saying it, and then stare at you with others while they're saying it like you can't hear everything.
I'm being totally sarcastic. I do not feel awesome about it. It's been hours and I'm reeling still. It hurts. I told this person it was hurtful. They didn't seem to care and that hurt more. It's why I distance myself from others so much. I'm totally ashamed to say that this person is WAY younger than me and I shouldn't care about something a freaking child says. But when the child is backed up by other ADULTS...yeah. Sucks. I was having horrible pain and to have triggers on top of it while I'm out of the house for once trying to enjoy it doubly sucked.
I just needed to get it out. I'm always told to voice my concerns. Voice my hurts. Tell someone when they're hurting me. But for my entire life it's always just escalated into something worse. Always with me being the butt of someone's joke, bullying, or abuse.
I'm an adult and I don't know why I always just feel like that little girl crying in the corner because people are always mean and horrible to her? I thought I did my inner child workbook years ago. Maybe not though. *sigh* I know I'm sensitive. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive in my opinion. I can totally take jokes. But these aren't jokes I'm talking about. And the malicious intent that always seems to follow me speaking up and saying, "Hey, I don't appreciate that" or whatever (in a nice way might I add because seriously, I'm way too polite to people who definitely don't deserve it) sickens me. I don't want to hate people. I used to love people so much. Now they just terrify me.
Replies
racism is very out in the open and covered with a bit of comedy or saying the object of the assault is being too sensitive. ok not realy object because i think often the racism is not done with malicious intent but not understanding what its. but that is due to a long running racist culture. more later.
I'm aware of it. It doesn't mean I think it's right though. It wasn't malicious at first but then when it's repeated to you it definitely is. I explained why. I viewed it as a teachable moment and was willing to move on. But it was repeated in my direction and laughed about. That's the part that sticks. Sure, it's been around forever. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt and it definitely doesn't mean it's ok. No matter how many times these types of things happen to me, it doesn't get any easier. Feeling uncomfortable or unsafe is never fun.
Without getting into it, I had a friend that I went through school with, we helped each other tremendously. We shared a name and an attitude. What we didn't share was culture. She was African (as in from the continent). I still have to sit on my hands and get so angry at some of what she faced. "People" just don't appreciate how much discrimination both overt and hidden that there is. I say that as a person who's straddled both lines. I honestly don't think that people of color really know how much is said behind their backs. And whites certainly don't know how much overt racism is out there.
That said, there are some amazingly good people out there, along with the bad ones.
I'm sure there's a ton said behind my back. My people are always referred to as being "of the past" when we're sitting right in the room. Native people aren't included in conversations about things that affect us. It doesn't help self esteem much when it's so widely acceptable to use slurs against us. (Just look at the racist football team name...so sad.) But still, I don't ever say "all white people are racist" or "all ______ are ______" ever. It's just not my way. I can't find it in me to hate people even if I hate what they do. Like you said, I still believe there are good people. I hope I never lose that.