Valium

I cant deal with this pain. Knowing he's hers and he will never be mine again. I have been taking Valium to help me at night. I need more help. I need to feel numb. I dont want to feel anything. This hurts so badly. I feel like saying the speech from Grey's Anatomy to him 
"Meredith: I lied. I'm not...out...of this relationship. I'm in. I'm so in, it's humiliating, because here I am, begging-- Meredith: OK, Here it is. Your choice, it's simple. Her or me. And I'm sure she's really great. But Derek...I love you. In a really, really big...pretend to like your taste in music. Let you eat the last piece of cheesecake. Hold a radio over my head outside your bedroom window. Unfortunate way that also makes me hate you...love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me. "
 
Yea but i know who he would pick. Her...cause he already did. 
 
I lost the love of my life and my best friend. I dont know what to do. He wants me to be ok with it and go back to being his friend but I dont think I ever can.