Valentine's Day and Her trip to stay with Neil
What a strange weekend.
Valentine's day weekend was very difficult for me. Reminders of my loss were everywhere. I tried to focus on my son, but it was difficult.
My Ex dropped him off on Friday, and stayed for dinner and a tv show, but left promptly at 6:00. I did not kiss her or try to hold her hand or anything. It seemed to go well. I did fine and was not upset by the visit.
On Saturday morning, she called me as she was stuck trying to do her taxes. I always did them in the past. She wanted me to come over and help her, but it had to be soon as she had an appointment in two hours. I went over and helped her and left. No issues other than she was upset at owing so much. She hadn't taken my advice to claim Single - Zero after the divorce.
On Saturday evening, I took my son to church. They announced that next week they will be doing a special Celtic Mass with a harpist, a prayer in Gaelic, and such. My Ex has an Irish heritage and I thought she would like it, so I emailed her to let her know. She replied back that she won't be here as she is leaving Friday morning to spend another 10 days with Neil.
I suppose this was not unexpected, but now that she totally broke with me, and now that her surgery was successful and her bleeding has stopped, there is nothing remotely holding her back with him. I don't know why, but it was like a kick in the gut and really set me back again. All the thoughts of her moving there and taking my son away came back, along with other thoughts of them and belated valentine's day activities.
I had been doing so much better at looking forward instead of back. What she does with him, or not, is none of my business now. If only my heart could get the message.
So she texted me she was leaving Friday, and I texted her back asking if she was going the full 10 days again, and if so, could I have my son both weekends. She replied yes. I texted thank you, I really appreciate the time with him, and in the future could you please give me a little more notice so I can plan. She replied back that she thought she was doing me a favor by letting me take him this coming weekend, but that if I didn't have enough notice his sisters would be glad to have him. I replied that I already said I would take him and thanked you for it, I was only asking if it would be possible to get a bit more notice in the future out of courtesy so I could make plans. She replied that she wasn't being discourteous and that she wouldn't even let me know in the future since it seemed to be a problem, he will just stay with his sisters. Arghhh. How does this happen. I said thank you and I thought I was making a reasonable request for the future.
So, we went from doing well, making her dinner for her visit, helping with her taxes, to her being angry with me and withholding time with my son when she goes to stay with Neil.
Then she asked me to clarify why I had invited her to church and if I had any thoughts of getting back together. I said it was just being friendly because I knew she liked Celtic stuff and I had no thoughts of getting back together. I lost. I know that. It hurts like hell, but I accept it. She then replied: "It doesn't matter. I was wrong to try it; it doesn't work. I always think I don't have to be limited to general understandings of things- that I can create a better reality somehow. But I must be wrong in this. Universally, it doesn't work for divorced people to be friends. I suppose if it were possible, we could have stayed married. I will lower my expectations and keep it easier and misunderstandings won't happen. We are divorced and we are over. That means the parts I like and miss are gone too. So, okay. I give up. Reasons behind the invitations don't matter- don't issue them anymore. Of course it's best for our son that we are cordial and so, that's what I'll be."
So now I lost her even as a friend too? All because I asked if she'd like the Celtic mass, and asked if she could please give me a little more notice when I could take my son while she was on her trips? I'm so frustrated and confused. I didn't sleep all night again and I'm sick to my stomach. Why does this keep happening? How do I end up making things so much worse? I honestly didn't mean to. I'm so very lost.
Valentine's day weekend was very difficult for me. Reminders of my loss were everywhere. I tried to focus on my son, but it was difficult.
My Ex dropped him off on Friday, and stayed for dinner and a tv show, but left promptly at 6:00. I did not kiss her or try to hold her hand or anything. It seemed to go well. I did fine and was not upset by the visit.
On Saturday morning, she called me as she was stuck trying to do her taxes. I always did them in the past. She wanted me to come over and help her, but it had to be soon as she had an appointment in two hours. I went over and helped her and left. No issues other than she was upset at owing so much. She hadn't taken my advice to claim Single - Zero after the divorce.
On Saturday evening, I took my son to church. They announced that next week they will be doing a special Celtic Mass with a harpist, a prayer in Gaelic, and such. My Ex has an Irish heritage and I thought she would like it, so I emailed her to let her know. She replied back that she won't be here as she is leaving Friday morning to spend another 10 days with Neil.
I suppose this was not unexpected, but now that she totally broke with me, and now that her surgery was successful and her bleeding has stopped, there is nothing remotely holding her back with him. I don't know why, but it was like a kick in the gut and really set me back again. All the thoughts of her moving there and taking my son away came back, along with other thoughts of them and belated valentine's day activities.
I had been doing so much better at looking forward instead of back. What she does with him, or not, is none of my business now. If only my heart could get the message.
So she texted me she was leaving Friday, and I texted her back asking if she was going the full 10 days again, and if so, could I have my son both weekends. She replied yes. I texted thank you, I really appreciate the time with him, and in the future could you please give me a little more notice so I can plan. She replied back that she thought she was doing me a favor by letting me take him this coming weekend, but that if I didn't have enough notice his sisters would be glad to have him. I replied that I already said I would take him and thanked you for it, I was only asking if it would be possible to get a bit more notice in the future out of courtesy so I could make plans. She replied that she wasn't being discourteous and that she wouldn't even let me know in the future since it seemed to be a problem, he will just stay with his sisters. Arghhh. How does this happen. I said thank you and I thought I was making a reasonable request for the future.
So, we went from doing well, making her dinner for her visit, helping with her taxes, to her being angry with me and withholding time with my son when she goes to stay with Neil.
Then she asked me to clarify why I had invited her to church and if I had any thoughts of getting back together. I said it was just being friendly because I knew she liked Celtic stuff and I had no thoughts of getting back together. I lost. I know that. It hurts like hell, but I accept it. She then replied: "It doesn't matter. I was wrong to try it; it doesn't work. I always think I don't have to be limited to general understandings of things- that I can create a better reality somehow. But I must be wrong in this. Universally, it doesn't work for divorced people to be friends. I suppose if it were possible, we could have stayed married. I will lower my expectations and keep it easier and misunderstandings won't happen. We are divorced and we are over. That means the parts I like and miss are gone too. So, okay. I give up. Reasons behind the invitations don't matter- don't issue them anymore. Of course it's best for our son that we are cordial and so, that's what I'll be."
So now I lost her even as a friend too? All because I asked if she'd like the Celtic mass, and asked if she could please give me a little more notice when I could take my son while she was on her trips? I'm so frustrated and confused. I didn't sleep all night again and I'm sick to my stomach. Why does this keep happening? How do I end up making things so much worse? I honestly didn't mean to. I'm so very lost.
Replies
Sorry mlewisct. This is so tough. I am going through somethng similar. Struggling with the friendship and respect. I ended thigns and for good reason, but am finding I miss the collaboration with my ex over our son - he seems to want to nothing to do with me as he moves on with the OW. I\'d prefer friends, but I guess that is just not possible. Sucks.
Friends with exes rarely works and if it ever does it happens maybe years later when both parties have really moved on. I too helped my ex wife with resumes and applications and all sorts of stuff early in the breakup but it just caused me the same pain. I would recommend very limited contact regarding only your child and stop with the tax help, fixing her dinners and Celtic church invites. Those are all roads to heartache. She has moved on with someone else as my ex has also done. One year later and unnecessary contact with her still hurts but it\'s getting better. This weekend was rough though being valentines day, so I get what you\'re saying. It just takes discipline and time.
When I dropped off my son on Sunday, she handed me a small box of caramels and a card. I opened it when I got home, and it was just a note. It said \"it is hard to write a valentine to an ex-husband,\" but this is the first valentine\'s day being divorced. Even though she initiated this, it wasn\'t because she didn\'t love me. That was never the case. It ended with \"I\'m not your wife. I\'m no longer your lover. I don\'t know what I am anymore. I only know that it is valentine\'s day and that I do love you.\"
Well, this morning she flew off to the Florida Keys to spend her 10 days with him, so I\'m not reading much into that valentine\'s day letter. Perhaps it was sent to assuage a sense of guilt? I don\'t know. I only know I\'m tired of hurting.