VACAY IN HICKVILLE, USA

I WAS GONE FROM JULY 10TH AT 5AM PST UNTIL JULY 15TH 8PM PST.  IT STARTED WITH MY SON AND I FLYING TO LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS WITH A 4 HOUR LAYOVER IN DALLAS, TEXAS(HI STEPH), AND ENDED WITH US FLYING FROM LITTLE ROCK TO PHOENIX WITH A 4 HOUR LAYOVER IN AT-FREAKING-LANTA, GEORGIA.(HI TODD)  MY MOM AND MY SISTER HAVE BOTH MOVED TO HOT SPRINGS, ARKANSAS WITHIN THE LAST TWO YEARS WHICH IS ABOUT 60 MILES SOUTHWEST OF LITTLE ROCK.  THE ORIGINAL PURPOSE OF THE TRIP WAS FOR MY SISTER'S WEDDING, SO SHE BOUGHT MY WIFE, SON, AND I PLANE TICKETS TO BE IN THE WEDDING, BUT ABOUT 2 WEEKS BEFORE THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIED, THINGS IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP FELL THROUGH, AND THEY CALLED IT OFF.  BUT WE HAD THESE IRREVERSIBLE PLANE TICKETS AND VACATION TIME SCHEDULED OFF FROM WORK, SO WE DECIDED TO STILL MAKE THE TRIP, AND VISIT THE 2 REMAINING MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY.  I HAVEN'T EVER BEEN OUT TO HOT SPRINGS ANYWAY, SO I WAS EXCITED TO SEE THIS PLACE THAT MY MOM MOVED TO 2 YEARS AGO.  NOT TO MENTION THAT THIS IS THE FIRST VACATION THAT I'VE EVER BEEN ABLE TO TAKE WITH MY SON SINCE HIS MOM AND I DIVORCED.  IT WAS AWESOME TO BE ABLE TO GO ON A FLIGHT WITH JUST ME AND MY SON.  IT WAS A BONDING EXPERIENCE THAT I WON'T SOON FORGET.  DANIELLE WASN'T AS FORTUNATE WITH HER ABILITY TO GET SO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM WORK.  SHE HAD TO WORK ALL DAY THURSDAY, AND THEN SHE HAD A HORRIBLE TIME AT THE AIRPORT WAITING OVER 8 HOURS FOR HER FLIGHT TO GET INTO PHOENIX SO SHE COULD THEN TAKE OFF TO LITTLE ROCK.  I FELT SO BAD FOR HER BECAUSE IT WAS HER FIRST FLIGHT EVER, SHE WAS TAKING IT ALL ALONE, AND IT WENT SO HORRIBLY WITH HER SCEDULED FLIGHT BEING SO LATE.  SHE SAID THE FLIGHT ITSELF WASN'T SO BAD, BUT JUST WAITING SOOOOO LONG BEFORE SHE COULD ACTUALLY TAKE THE FLIGHT SUCKED A BIG ONE.  MY SIS AND I ENDED UP PICKING HER UP AT LITTLE ROCK AIRPORT AT 530AM CST.  I WAS SO RELIEVED ONCE I FINALLY GOT TO HOLD HER IN MY ARMS FOR A MOMENT IN FRONT OF THE SECURITY STATION WHERE THEY COME OUT.  WELL, WE FINALLY DROVE BACK TO MY MOM'S APT, AND WE ALL TOOK A NAP FOR AWHILE.  AFTER WE WOKE UP AND GOT CLEANED UP, IT WAS...OH OH OH OH, STOP.   POODLE-TIME.(FROM MC HAMMER) THIS IS WHERE ME, DANIELLE, AND DEUCE GET PARADED AROUND LIKE OVER GROWN PINK POODLES IN A DOG SHOW BY MY MOTHER WHO IS NOTORIOUS FOR SHOW-AND-TELL TIME WHENEVER FAMILY COMES TO HER TOWN.  THIS IS WHERE EVERYONE SHE HAS MET SINCE SHE HAS BEEN THERE HAS TO MEET IN PERSON WHO SHE HAS TALKED ABOUT FOR SO LONG.  OTHER THAN THE POODLE-TIME, WE DID SOME SITE-SEEING IN DOWNTOWN HOTSPRINGS AND HAD SOME DINNER AT A PLACE CALLED THE BRICK-HOUSE.(AND YES, WE ALL SANG THE SONG "BRICKHOUSE" AS WE WERE WALKING TO THE DOOR OF THE RESTAURANT)    AFTER DINNER, WE WENT BACK TO APT AND WENT SWIMMING FOR AWHILE TO CHILL AND RELAX.  THE NEXT DAY WAS SATURDAY, AND MY MOM AND SIS HAD PASSES FOR ALL OF US TO GO TO MAGIC SPRINGS WHICH IS LIKE A SMALL SIX FLAGS COMBINED WITH A WATER PARK ALL IN ONE.  IT WAS A FAIRLY HOT DAY, SO WE SPENT ALMOST ALL THE TIME IN THE WATER PARK PART.  EVERYONE HAD A GREAT TIME, ESPECIALLY DEUCE WHO WAS IN WATERPARK HEAVEN.(I'LL HAVE PICS UP OF THE GLOW ON HIS FACE SOON)  BESIDES SEEING THE JOY PLASTERED ON MY SON'S FACE ALL DAY, MY FAVORITE PART WAS RACING MY LIL SIS DOWN THE WATER SLED SLIDES THAT ARE SIX ROWS SIDE BY SIDE AND EACH SET OF SIX RACERS GET THE "READY, SET, GO" FROM THE LIFEGUARD.(IT'S GOOD TO KNOW THAT I STILL HAVE THE EDGE OVER HER AFTER ALL THESE YEARS)  AFTER WE GOT HOME FROM THE PARK, WE WASHED UP AND I TOOK DANIELLE OUT ON THE TOWN.   WE TRIED TO GO TO THIS SCENIC MOUNTAIN AREA OVERLOOKING THE CITY TO GET A LITTLE FREAKY, BUT THE ROAD WAS CLOSED OFF FOR THE NIGHT, SO WE ENDED UP AT CHILI'S FOR SOME MARGARITA'S AND A PLEASANT LATE NIGHT DINNER.  IT WAS STILL NICE TO GET AWAY FOR A BIT FROM EVERYONE.    THE NEXT DAY WAS SUNDAY, SO YOU ALL KNOW THAT MEANS...YEP, MORE POODLE-TIME.  YES, WE WENT TO THE CHURCH THAT MY MOM AND SIS GO TO AND MET THE REST OF THE GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN HICKS THAT MY MOM PALS AROUND WITH SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK, AND WE WERE FRONT AND CENTER OF EVERYONE'S ATTENTION DUE TO MY MOM'S LEADING.DAMN, AIN'T SHIT CHANGED.  SAME OL' SHIT DIFFERENT CITY.  YOU GO TO CHURCH, YOU FIGHT ABOUT WHERE TO GO TO EAT AFTER CHURCH AND BITCH OUT THE PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACK THAT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO WHERE YOU WERE EATING, AND THEN LEAVE THE TYPICAL SHITTY ASS TIP FOR THE FRIENDLY WAITRESS THAT WAS ABLE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF ALL Y'ALL NEEDY BASTERDS.  OH, AND I ALMOST FORGOT THE...I ORDERED MY STEAK MEDIUM WELL AND THIS THING IS STILL MOOING.  IT'S LIKE FUCKING CLOCKWORK, AND IT REALLY GIVES CHRISTIANS A BAD NAME AND IT MAKES ME SICK THE WAY PEOPLE IN THE REAL WORLD REALLY THINK ABOUT MOST CHRISTIANS BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE MY MOTHER AND HER HOLIER THAN THOU FRIENDS.  I OBSERVE THIS TYPE OF SHIT A LOT, ESPECIALLY IN THE SOUTH.  THERE'S STILL A VERY CLEAR LINE BETWEEN THE SLAVES AND THE OWNERS WITH THE MONEY AND IT CAUSES ME TO VOMIT WHEN I SEE IT CONSISTANTLY.(OK, THAT WAS MY LITTLE RANT.  I NEED A NEW PARAGRAPH NOW) OK, WHERE WERE WE?  AHHH YES, SITTING AROUND MOM'S APT WATCHING SUSIE(MY SIS) AND MOM FIGHTING ABOUT WHO'S FRIENDS WERE WE GOING TO GET PARADED AROUND NEXT LIKE THE THREE OF US WERE A TOY THAT THEY WERE FIGHTING OVER TO PLAY WITH.(GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK)  I THINK THEY ENDED UP COMPROMISING AND WE WENT TO SOMEONE'S HOUSE THAT THEY BOTH NEW AND HAD DINNER AND WATCH "WELCOME HOME ROSCOE JENKINS" WITH MARTIN LAWRENCE.  WATCHING THIS MOVIE IN GOOD LITTLE CHRISTIAN HICKVILLE, USA WAS HA-FUCKING-LARIOUS.  TO SEE THE SHOCK ON THESE PEOPLE'S FACES WATCHING A BLACK COMEDY WAS PRICELESS.  TALK ABOUT CULTURE SHOCK, I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK EACH TIME THEY HEARD THE WORD BITCH OR SOME SEXUAL REFERENCE.  I'VE NEVER SEEN ACTUAL REDNECKS TURN SO RED BEFORE...NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT WAS QUITE ENTERTAINING.  MONDAY THE 14TH WAS MY LOVELY WIFE'S 25TH BIRTHDAY, AND MY MOM TOOK US ALL OUT TO IHOP FOR BREAKFAST BEFORE HAVING TO DRIVE HER OUT TO LITTLE ROCK SO SHE COULD CATCH HER FLIGHT TO BE BACK TO WORK THE NEXT DAY.  IT SUCKED THAT SHE HAD TO FLY ALL BY HERSELF AGAIN AND ON HER BIRTHDAY NO LESS, BUT HER BOSS WOULDN'T BUDGE ON LETTING HER HAVE MORE TIME OFF.  THIS TIME SHE HAD A GOOD FLIGHT AND EVERYTHING WENT PERFECTLY ACCORDING TO HER SCHEDULE.  SHE EVEN HAD A PLANE CHANGE IN HOUSTON THAT WENT SMOOTHLY.  HER MOM PICKED HER UP AND THEN HAD A PARTY FULL OF ALCOHOL WITH HER FAMILY WHO SHE DESPISES ON OCCASION, BUT IT WENT WELL, AND IT WAS A HAPPY DAY FOR HER.   THAT NIGHT IN HOTSPRINGS, SUSIE TOOK DEUCE TO A KIDS OUTREACH WHILE I WATCHED THE AMAZING HOMERUN DERBY, AND WHEN SHE GOT HOME, WE ALL WENT OUT BOWLING AS A FAMILY FOR OLD-TIME SAKE.   IT WAS ALL YOU COULD BOWL IN 2 HOURS FOR ONE PRICE AND WE ALL HAD A GREAT TIME.  EVEN DEUCE, WE PUT UP THE BUMPERS, AND HE HAD A GRAND OLD TIME AND WAS QUITE ENTERTAINING.(I'LL PUT UP PICS TONIGHT)  THE NEXT MORNING, DEUCE AND I PACKED UP AND HAD ONE FINAL ROAD TRIP WITH MOM AND SUSIE TO LITTLE ROCK TO GET ON OUR FLIGHT TO ATLANTA SO WE COULD HAVE A FOUR HOUR LAYOVER BEFORE FLYING TO PHOENIX.  ONCE AGAIN, DEUCE WAS VERY GOOD AND WAS ENTERTAINED FOR THE 4 HOUR LAYOVER AS WELL AS THE 4 HOUR FLIGHT ON THE BIGGEST FRICKEN AIRPLANE THAT I'VE EVER SEEN.  THIS SUCKER HAD 2 ISLES AND 7 SEATS PER ROW, AND IT HAD TO HAVE 50 TO 60 ROWS OF SEATS.  THE CAPTAIN SAID THERE WAS OVER 270 PEOPLE ON THE FLIGHT.  WE MADE IT HOME SAFELY ON OUR CROSS COUNTRY FLIGHT, AND DEUCE ENJOYED HIS TRIP, AND I WAS HAPPY THAT HE WAS HAPPY.      HIS MOM PICKED US UP AND SHE TOOK ME HOME TO A PASSED OUT DANIELLE AT HOME RESTING COMFORTABLY IN OUR BED AND I KISSED HER GOODNIGHT AND PASSED OUT MYSELF.  I WAS OFF WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, AND FRIDAY TO JUST CHILL AND UNPACK AND REST FROM THE VACATION, AND TODAY I'M BACK AT WORK FULLY RESTED AND HAPPY AS EVER.  IT WAS NICE TO GET AWAY TO SEE MY FAMILY, BUT I SURE WOULDN'T WANT TO LIVE THERE.  I'M HAPPY AS FUCK BEING RIGHT HERE IN GOOD OL' PHOENIX, ARIZONA FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT I COULD TAKE THE CULTURE SHOCK OF MOVING ANYWHERE ELSE, SO HERE IS WHERE I AM AND HERE IS WHERE I'LL STAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.