Vacation and memories
I just got back from my vacation. I vacation to this place at least 4-5x a year and have a home there. I met my past AP there over 8 years ago and had a year and a half A (although because of distance were only together 4 or 5x). Sex was great but he treated me more like a fuck buddy and I had feelings for him so ended it because I didnt like the way I felt when he blew me off and kept me at a distance.
Even though it has been 8 freaking years and even though I sold my home (that I had sex with him in), I thought the ghosts would leave. I thought I would stop thinking about him. It didnt work. I know why. Because I didnt ever feel like I "had" him or that he realy cared. Even though I had the wherewithall to finally end it and get my dignity back, I still think about him and sometimes stalk his FB. I believe he is now married. I know he used to stalk mine because twice he hit the friend button by mistake but that was back a few years. Sure, I wonde rif he ever thinks of me. i know he loved the sex and was attracted to me, like that I took ocntrol and told him what I liked.
We talked quite a bit on messenger on gmail while I was away but when I came back to town it was always seeing him on his terms. Sometimes I felt he liked me other times I felt I was just a piece of ass, something he had when nothing better was around. Yeah most of the time I didnt like how I felt.
Do any of you still think of your Ap's years down the road? The sex was good, the high's were good, the feelings were not.
Replies
I too made the mistake of bringing my AP to our vacation home. There should be a rule about that.
It's been 7 1/2 yrs since the start of my A that lasted 2 1/2 yrs & yes, not only do I think of him, I also have contact with him once in a while. We exchange stories of how we're doing & then I start remembering how he treated me & also how we really weren't that great of friends to begin with. Then I ghost him. Kind of makes me feel better.
I don't think you'll ever forget him. But you will learn to live with it. hugs
Exow and I had sex at her house, her apartment, her van, my truck and car, two of her brothers houses, her cousins house, probably a dozen different hotels, friends bathrooms, woods, golf course bunker, river bank, in the hotel bed while her brother slept in bed beside us (I think he was asleep) she gave me a BJ in the bathroom while her mother was in the bedroom and door wide open... I could go on and on... aren’t Affairs classy?
The only rules in an affair are the ones you make up as you go and are all as thin as paper and all will eventually go up in smoke and fire..
I used her as a fuck buddy/toy. She used me as an arm piece/sugar daddy and God only knows what else. And no, I never think of her.......
Btw.. next morning after fucking her in same hotel room that we stayed with her brother, we picked up another of her brothers up in front of the prison he had just served a 2 year sentence in! Hey, if your going to have an A do it with an AP that that brings high entertainment value to the table!!
I want to stop thinking about my AP and, to some extent, other people who tugged at my heartstrings leading up to the big one. I suspect I'm more defined by my affair than some others on here because of how many people in my real life know details of what happened.
If anyone figures out how to carry the good parts forward, like new or rediscovered pieces of yourself, but leave the wreckage of the affair behind, let me know how you did it.
Thanks Clover, I have learned to live with the guilt and the shame and the thought that I let him throw me crumbs to get what he wanted and I made such a big deal of so little. Sad huh?
Gravinggirl I somewhat have. I have definitely learned and grown from it. I allowed a man to throw crumbs and make a big deal out of very little and to treat me like a nobody. My fault, I allowed it. I did learn so much from it, had a year of counseling because of it and know I will never have an A again nor will I ever allow any person treat me like that again, however, the ghost is still there in that state. My husband and I have a better marriage now for it but the D day was horrid and the hurt I caused much worse. Shocking what one will do for so little attention.
Leaving, sounds like you have quite the memories....why do you never think of her?
I like to think I am a better person for all I went through, put my family through and the counseling. I am blessed I was able to keep my family together and my husband didn't kick me out. Luckily, I already had 6 months of counseling under my belt and 6 months after the break up with AP when H found out. I hadn't fully let go of communication but had not seen AP since the break up and I have had sightings but no face to face communication since Oct 2010.
I think what bothers me most as I said, was feeling like I never mattered. That is a tough one to accept.
I think Leaving was just trying to give a different perspective on the whole A thing & maybe help you see the humor in it all. You're giving this guy a lot of credit & putting him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve. Believe me, he still thinks of you & remembers each & every time you were together so stop putting yourself down & start looking at it differently.......smile for the memories but be extremely happy you didn't end up with them. When I look back at my A, it was ME who treated him as a fuck buddy. It was a fun way to escape my life but we all know reality wins in the end. Because of who he dumped me for (I refer to her as Malibu Barbie bc she lives close to a beach in CA & can still rock a string bikini)...although he never met her in person (all thru social media) my self esteem took a hit that lasted for years. Eventually I came to realize she had nothing to do with me. As soon as you are happy with yourself & love yourself, you will look back at this guy & wonder.....what the hell was I thinking?!!! Then, even though there will be times of short lived sadness, you will be like the rest of us & laugh like hell.
Clover, I'm sorry I didn't mean to come across as giving him any credit. I was just saying how low I allowed myself to go. I am about as happy as I can be and have lots of love surrounding me...from people who let me know I matter!
I have zero sadness when it comes to him as a person only sadness I hurt my family.
I think the hardest thing for me to let go of was wondering why I didn't matter. I kept trying to change that. I finally realized it didn't matter what he thought. I had put way too much credence on that instead of how I felt (underline I!).
Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving.
We used to go to my vacation home. In fact, was thinking of him this weekend when I was there.....but now the trend is, "what was I thinking?".
I think, for me, I had an AP that sounded like yours. We spoke daily for almost 3 years, meeting 2-3 times a month and then he ghosted me. Looking back it was that I wanted what I couldn't have.
I agree with Clover they still think of us. I think you/we did matter - we supplied the need and it was fun, it was. But mattering in the sense of riding off in the sunset and dumping all I have in front of me for you? Nooooo........and would we want that? Really? I pity my xAPs wife.
In just the past month, 3 others have contacted me (I think THAT one was either caught or something)....but you know....looking at it, with eyes wide open, they really are all so not worth it.
This comes up often.. “I wonder if he still thinks of me” I guess it helps woman process relationship endings..
I can assure you these guys do think of you.. And probably always will. You cannot have that kind of brain imprint and then just turn it off.. I know... I’ve tried
Thanks Leaving. It is sad what an A can do to one's self confidence.
I think they all teach us something and I did learn a lot about myself with the year of therapy I had after the A was over.
Shore, no I never wanted a ride off into the sunset fall in love with me relationship and I had a couple talks with him about feeling used. The ghosting and treating me like I was an after thought really bothered me and making plans then not showing up, upset me. I should have ended it long before but I enjoyed the feelings being with him gave me. Such a high.
I shouldn't have cared so much. How sad that I only wanted to feel that he genuinely liked me. It doesn't matter now but thinking back it surprised me how far I allowed it to go.
I completely get that. I️ am shocked by the things I allowed and the things that I would do for him to earn his approval.