Urge/Hostage to my own Mind

You ever think of doing something that you know can only hurt you if you do it, but you kind of want to do it anyway out of morbid curiousity? Something in me seems to have started that way.

Here’s an interesting fact: the eyes are one of the three most sensitive parts of the body alongisde teeth and nails. I do n’t know why my mind focuses on th eyes specifically; I just seemed to begin feeling the aforementioned sensation awhile ago when I learnt of this; if the eyes are so sensitive...how much does it hurt to hurt them? How much does it hurt to lose them?

Such an odd thing to fixate on; but the idea evolved to a scary degree. Even though I am not depressed to the point of wanting to harm myself because of it, the idea of gouging out an eye (admittedly among other things) tortures my masochistic, idiotic temptations. It isn’t depression-based because it clearly has no connection to any depression; it isn’t masochism because I know it will hurt in the worst possible way (hence my fear); it is, from what I can gather, that morbig curiousity that has just spiraled out of control.

This has been a problem for so long and escalated to such a degree, twice in the past few months have I had to sleep downstairs because I was afraid of what I could do unsupervised or unattended—one of those days being in the past week. In an attempt to avoid these thoughts, I’ve found myself following borderline obsessively compulsive behaviour (in its specifications) to not be tempted. At this point, though, I feel as if I am at gunpoint by myself; I have to do exactly as this ridiculous compulsive behaviour demands me to, or it will let me free to harm myself as I “intend.” At the time of writing this, I’m even afraid to fall asleep because last night, this problem permeated my sleep in nightmares. Help.