ups & downs
So I was doing pretty well after my last entry. Then here comes the let down. It started with my grandson being angry with me because his sister decided to meet Eddie's father. He feels that Eddie would be upset because Ed's father hurt him so we should reject his attempts to make amends. I told Josh that we will just have to agree to disagree. Joshua argues with his sister, his mom, occasionally me. He is drinking too much & I believe much of it is to avoid grieving his Dad. He is much more comfortable in anger as most young men are. I will just let him be but as I told him I personally must choose love.
Then my 89 year old mother started. No offense to anyone who has a good relationship with their mother, but my mother is and always has been rough. She began her list of demands & I said I would work on them but it is never enough for her. My mother has since Eddie passed been of the mindset, "snap out it & get over it". She tells me that she is upset because I've changed & don't do as much for her & then gives me cliches such as "this is life." "He's in a better place & you had him for 37 years." She is a narcissist whose concern when Eddie passed if how will this situation affect my ability to help her. Well, I have changed. I am not as emotionally available to her& I admit that, but I don't think it gives her the right to say cruel things to me. She upset me so much yesterday that I needed to take an Ativan. I cried for 2 days. Eddie & I always talked when she was unkind. On a couple of occasions he even told her to get off my back when she'd have one of her tirades. I miss his support & validation. Well I miss everything about him. I just miss him.
Well, that helped to vent that out. I am taking deep breaths & going to clean up my garden now. Josh & Christina are. Coing over for dinner tonight so hopefully we will all be in better space. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you, Linda, Eddie's mom
Then my 89 year old mother started. No offense to anyone who has a good relationship with their mother, but my mother is and always has been rough. She began her list of demands & I said I would work on them but it is never enough for her. My mother has since Eddie passed been of the mindset, "snap out it & get over it". She tells me that she is upset because I've changed & don't do as much for her & then gives me cliches such as "this is life." "He's in a better place & you had him for 37 years." She is a narcissist whose concern when Eddie passed if how will this situation affect my ability to help her. Well, I have changed. I am not as emotionally available to her& I admit that, but I don't think it gives her the right to say cruel things to me. She upset me so much yesterday that I needed to take an Ativan. I cried for 2 days. Eddie & I always talked when she was unkind. On a couple of occasions he even told her to get off my back when she'd have one of her tirades. I miss his support & validation. Well I miss everything about him. I just miss him.
Well, that helped to vent that out. I am taking deep breaths & going to clean up my garden now. Josh & Christina are. Coing over for dinner tonight so hopefully we will all be in better space. Thanks for listening.
Love to all of you, Linda, Eddie's mom
Replies
Linda...I am so glad that you write down what you are experiencing....the good and the bad. I think that you are right to go with your gut with Eddie\'s father...forgiveness is good for your soul...Joshua will find his way. Love to you...Karen
I do believe that for some anger becomes their fuel. We all have angry moments yet when people choose to remain there it is difficult to be in relationship with them. Love and forgiveness are indeed what it is all about and you are doing what is best for you now. Continue to live into it all and I remember having to set healthy boundaries for myself with my mother too. She was the most supportive and nurturing woman there was yet somewhere along the way she believed that she was \"entitled\" because of her age to say whatever she thought. I used the word, \"Ouch\" only once or twice and she began to get it. I\'m just so sorry, Linda, and hope that you will continue to know that we share it all here. It is in our ups and downs that we may really help someone else too who is experiencing something similar. Hoping your being out in your garden has been healing and that tonight will unfold as you need it to. Gentle hugs and so much understanding. Love, Joanie
Grieving is such a roller coaster ride, especially when dealing with people who grieve differently. Anger is particularly hard to contend with.
As for your mother; I have worked with the elderly for several years and know full well that not all old women are sweet little grannies who smile and bake cookies. I do feel for you.
I agree with Joanie - try to set boundaries. She won\'t like it but hopefully she will come round (or not). Either way, you need to nurture yourself. We are so busy caring for others that we often forget ourselves!
Hugs,
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
It\'s so difficult for others to understand how we feel, especially family. They should be the ones we can count on and often they expect us to \"heal\" and be back to our old selves. Obviously that\'s unrealistic and I hope you can express to your mother that although you wish you could help her more, that you can only do what you can do. It will have to be enough. Thanks for sharing with us. I know it\'s hard to pour out your troubles but you are love. Sending prayers for love and continued strength. Love Robin
Hi Linda ~
I hope the dinner with Joshua and Christina went well. I think you have hit the nail on the head ~ the phrase \"angry young man\" didn\'t come into being because there was nothing to it. You have taken the wise course to tell Joshua that you will have to \"agree to disagree\". I honestly think that one day Josh will realize that forgiveness will lift a heavy burden off his heart. Until he\'s ready to take that step it is his burden to bear, not yours.
It makes me sad when I read about families and, especially parents, who are too self-centered to be supportive of your need to grieve, your sadness and your pain. I know that it\'s tough for you but you do need to continue to take care of yourself first and do whatever you can for your mother whenever you can ~ on your terms, not hers.
You are have expressed a great deal of moral courage and this will take you a long ways.
Sending much love, lots of TLC and many hugs ~ Debbie
Could we be sisters,,,with the same mom????? OMG, my mom does the same, I have changed , my daughter is gone, mom doesn\'t get it, and it\'s all my fault!!!Morgan use to say, When I get old ..I want to be a grouchy old lady just like Nana!..peace , Nora
Families just don\'t get it , they can\'t understand, most are so into themselves and their own family and because of this, I believe because of their actions and indifference, they become the objects of our wrath. Happening to me alot lately so this journal is my personal problem. I wouldn\'t wish this journey on anyone. Take care of you. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
Linda, I think you have done what is right concerning Eddie\'s dad and one day maybe Josh will accept him as well. Forgiving is healing. I\'m sorry about the situation with your mom...it\'s hard at that age to make them change or even understand your pain. Wishing you some peace...Hugs, Kim
You are doing a great job at being positive even in the midst of all you are going through.Finding a peaceful place like your garden when things seem overwhelming is a wise thing to do, it helps me to clear my head.I hope in time Joshua will come to see you and his sister have made the right decision.Please continue to lean on all your friends here during the tough times, With Love and Hugs, Charlene
I don\'t think it\'s too much to ask that family be the most supportive during times of extreme need. Unfortunately it doen\'t seem to work that way, or some family members are such a disappointment, so self centred and ego centred. I feel such hurt for family members who I felt would be there for me and were noticeably absent. I really feel for you. Sandi
Oh Linda, you certainly have your plate full...
Both your grandchildren are right, each for their own reasons... if you granddaughter wants to get to know her grandfather, she has that right, just as your grandson has his right to reject the overatures. I guess the tightrope for you will not to allow then to fight through you.
Your grandson sounds like he is \'dealing\' wtih his dad\'s death the same way my grandson dealt with my daughters.. through alcohol. TG my Chris has now found a loving young woman who is helping him find peace.. she is so much like Jenn (not in looks, but personality and her caring ways) that is healing for him.
I am sorry your Mother is such a trial for you... please don\'t let her take your joy.. do you have any siblings to help ?
MaryLou